Thursday, August 28, 2008

Things you do NOT want to hear at the Girlie Appointment!

If you're a man, and I doubt I have man readers, but still, if you are a man, I suggest you stop right now and go do something else. It's not that I'm about to go into details of any kind here but I'm sure you don't want to hear what I have to say....LOL

So I'm sitting there in that nervous limbo, you know the time between the nurse asking the questions and the doctor coming into the room???

You're sitting there at the edge of that uncomfortable table/bed/thingamagig and you're looking around at the weird posters on the wall with all the way too graphic pictures and there's always that annoying little Pain Chart with the know that one???

This really happy face for no pain at all and this distorted one with a lone tear for excruciating pain. I'm wondering why they don't have a chart for Most Nervous and then they could display those faces and have things like:

1 - Very Very happy to be here

2 - Not happy but not scared either, it's just so so

3 - This place is creeping me out

4 - Quick, think happy thoughts and imagine you're on a deserted island

5 - Get me the heck out of here, I would rather have a root canal

But anyway, I'm sitting there and the nurse tells me the doctor will be right in, she walks outside and closes the door and I'm sitting there, FULLY CLOTHED, sitting on the table wondering what is wrong with that picture, but I'm not complaining, after all if I can get away with doing this exam without any clothes coming off, it's A-OKAY with me. LOL

But she walks out the door and closes it and I hear her voice outside.....she said....well this is what I heard:

Nurse Letsmakethepatientevenmorenervous - "For the removal of an IUD, do we need the forceps???"

UH?!?!?!?! It's even worse that she was dead serious, she was asking an honest question not joking. Then she quickly rushes back inside to tell me that she forgot to ask me to get undressed. Bummer! I was rather enjoying conjuring up in my mind ways in which to get through this fully clothed. And then just to add insult to injury let's give us some paper duds to wear, you know the paper vest with the opening in the front and then this yard of paper to cover yourself up from the waist down. So now I'm sure I look wonderful, I have a look of absolute fear in my face from the whole forceps conversation and the weird posters on the wall but I have to worry that this stupid paper doesn't even cover my backside. UGH!

Long story short, the IUD was NOT removed, I just did my annual exam and got the heck out of crazy town. I mean honestly, is it not bad enough that I have to sit there and pretend that I'm interested in the small talk about the weather and the rising gas prices when there's someone down under, but then to hear them talk about forceps. Last time I got close and personal with one of those I was in labor with Jasmine and it was not a happy experience!

I should have just shouted out from inside the room "Forget the forceps, see if the local city crane is available". Absolutely ridiculous!

But it's done, it's over with and I don't have to worry about it again until next year. I have to be honest, it is one of those exams that I loathe, detest, would avoid at all costs, but every year, like clockwork, I go and I grit my teeth through it. I would rather suffer an hour a year and be sure that I'm healthy. Besides, if I didn't go I wouldn't have this to blog about would I?

I wonder what they would have done if I had taken my camera and started snapping pictures LOL I know I'm a little nutty but even I wouldn't go that far. LOL

So thank you all for your thoughts and I was so glad to read that I wasn't the only one that loathed this kind of doctor's appointment.....but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do right?

I'm off to read my new Taste of Home Annual Recipes 2008, it just came in the mail, and I can't wait to browse through it. Then I have kids to supervise with baths and homework and bedtime....after that I think I'll take a nice hot bath and crawl into bed with one of my Netflix movies. I have The Nativity Story and Wives and Daughters: Disc 1.

I hope you all had a good thursday, at least one not as weird as mine LOL


Anonymous said...

My name is Sara and I'm an ER nurse (also a lurker of your delightful blog). There are several kinds of forceps and they each have a different purpose. Kind of like the word screwdriver refers to flat-head, phillips-head, ratcheting, etc. The forceps used in labor are huge and scary, but what the nurse was probably refering to was a very small set of medical pliers if you will so that the doctor could easily grab a hold of the IUD without his or her hand slipping on the strings the entire time. Hope this helps!

Sandra said...

Sara, thank you SO much for clearing that up for me. When I heard the forceps word I broke into a sweat LOL
Now that I know what they are, I'll definitely be a lot calmer. Thank you :)

Michelle said...

You're not the only one who loathes those appointments! Definitely uncomfortable, but need to be done! I'm glad Sara cleared up the forceps as I would have wondered about that too!

Mari said...

Glad it's done and you can enjoy your evening. I love the Nativity Story!

Stacy at Exceedingly Mundane said...

I'm so glad it's over for you too, and that everything is a-ok. I dread it more than words can say, and I have mine coming up in a couple of months. Oh, joy. :)

Enjoy your evening, I loved Nativity Story too! Great movie :)

autumnesf said...

Ditto! And of course being military you are never quite sure who is going to walk into the room. I got smart and started asking for only GYN and women (small hands, thank you very much).

The last one said....My! You really are nervous aren't you?

And so!?!?!?!?

elizabeth embracing life said...

New reader here, and not even sure what rabbit trail I went on to find you, but completely laughing about your blog. I have to make the appointment to stay in step with my once a year visit. I have to laugh over the small talk thing. I mean really, you are in a completely vulnerable position, and the discussion of gas prices is what a distraction to the intrustion on your most private parts...really. Looking forward to reading more. I LOVE the Taste of Home magazine. My 90 year old best frind got me hooked on it. So we have some things in common, and also a stay home extremely blessed mommy.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

Ugg... It's over, thankfully!!

Seriously, gas prices???

Can't say as I relish those appointments either. But, like you, I would hate cancer more! Good for you, going every year!!


MoziEsmé said...

That is seriously scary!

Jen said...

Weird. I love Taste of Home too...waiting on mine to come...hope you had a relaxing evening.

Sarah said...

Arghhh forceps. At least it's all over now.

Hugs n' love

Sarah x

Jillian, Inc. said...

Wait until you get to add mammograms to the mix. Makes things even more special. I take 1 day every year and get all those lovely appointments out of the way all at once.

Nikowa said...

ROFL! You seem to have the same sense of humor as me! TOO FUNNY! "Bring in the local crane"!

I can't stop laughing!

KrisinTN said...

I'm glad that it is over! I had a partial hysterectomy in 1995, and now even though I should be faithful about going, I can't seem to make myself... I hate it! I'm always afraid they are going to say that nasty! So, I went this year, and that was the first time in the last 4 years.

Stacia said...

Too funny!
To make you feel better Sandra, you can read my post about the same subject.
You are SO the better patient than I am!

Renee said...

Too funny!!

annie said...


Cheri said...

I don't like doing that appointment either- always awkward.
However, I hate going to the dentist even more!!

Lani ~ The Wooden Porch said...

Ha! I hate those appointments. Once, my doctor came in 15 seconds after the nurse left the room. I was standing up with my pants down trying to get out of them. I was so taken off guard that I screamed. He quickly backed out and shut the door. (Not sure what the difference is between him seeing me standing up and naked or laying down and naked?) Anyway, he left and was gone for THIRTY MINUTES! When he finally came back in he said he left to go DELIVER A BABY to give me more time.

Barb said...

This whole post just made me cringe, Sandra. And the use of the word "ratcheting" in the first comment only made me cringe more. LOL

Lavinia said...

Ohh.....I hope you are all better now!

Elizabeth Ann said...

Oh, you had me laughing out loud in complete understanding of the Girlie Appointment! If I had the Face #1 - Very, very Happy to be here...I would realize that the frontal lobotomy I'd had was a complete success!! No worries, ever again!! Go ahead; Bring on the ice-cold spoon-spreader..Ha-Ha!!

Glad you got through it OK and hoping the tests are OK, too.

mamajil said...

Very funny post!! My ob has delivered so many of my kids that he thinks we are related at my yearly exams he is usually asking about each family member by name while he is doing a pap smear...its a bit awkward...but I suppose since his practice has delivered 7 of the 10 he feels like this is NO big deal I still get nervous though!!