Thursday, May 14, 2009

May brings sad memories for me!

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Image credit: Allposters

You know how there are some people that have a certain month they don't like? Maybe it's because they think they have no luck during that month or it reminds them of a sad moment in time?

For me it's the latter, it's the fact that since May of 2001, I have held this immense sadness inside me, this photographic memory of a certain place and time in my life when I lay in bed, crying in physical and emotional pain, begging God for an answer, a reason to why I was suffering.

Just a few weeks prior, at the end of April 2001, I had gotten confirmation of the one of the happiest moments in my life, I remember sitting in the bathroom with that pregnancy test and smiling, a huge grin spread across my face. I literally jumped for joy, this was it, this was our second child, it was just perfect, Jasmine was two years old and I thought the difference in age was just right.

But things weren't meant to be. I didn't know it at the time, but in just a few weeks I would be back in that same bathroom, sitting on that same toilet in shock, watching almost in an out of body experience like, as I lost that baby.

The pain that rips through you is unimaginable, it's nothing I could ever sit down and describe, I cried and I lashed out at God at first, I was so frustrated, why me? Why did this happen? I had done everything right but yet it didn't seem to work and I found myself blaming my body, after all I was supposed to have kept my child safe but I didn't. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming, no matter how many times the doctor said "It's not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it".

The worst part was the looks when people found out, or the unfeeling words from those that didn't quite know what to say but yet felt compelled to offer some kind of advice. But when you're going through a miscarriage, the LAST thing you want to hear is "it's for the best"....or "it just wasn't meant to be".

I used to sit there, bite my tongue and think "what the heck do you know about me and what is best or not?". It was the grief speaking, I was so blinded by it that I had no patience whatsoever for anyone.

I remember the first month I walked around in a fog, I cried every time I went to the bathroom, every time I wiped it was a reminder that I was wiping away what could have been. I would never get to hold this baby in my arms, to see him/her take their first steps, go to kindergarten, smile and laugh and call me mommy. That hurt, it still does to this day.

May just does that for me, I may be having the best of time, but when this month rolls around, the memories come flooding back and they hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially around Memorial Day, the day it happened. You learn to deal with it, but you never forget.

I didn't stay mad at God for too long, a few days at most before I quickly changed my tune and knew that I would never get through it without Him. So instead of turning away, I turned towards Him......I clutched my hand in His so tightly and let Him lead me through it.

I just knew deep inside that I would get pregnant again and have a perfectly beautiful and healthy baby, but little did I know that I would have to endure another miscarriage just a month later.

When it first happened again, I was in utter shock and the fact that it wasn't an easy straight forward miscarriage, just added to the pain. There was a D&C and ultrasounds and weekly blood tests and even a Methotraxate shot.....yes chemo.

So yes, May became that month for me.

Nowadays as painful as the memories are, I have to remind myself that I did lose two beautiful babies who are now in heaven, but if I had one or both, would my sweet handsome Nicholas be here? Things happen for a reason, I know that, obviously at the time I didn't want to hear it, all I wanted was for people to just support me and if they didn't know how to react or what to say, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss, will be praying for you" would have sufficed.

I'm not sure why I was led to write this post today, other than the fact that I'm feeling sad I felt a strong need to put it on the blog. Maybe it will help someone out there going through a miscarriage, maybe it will bring some comfort to someone, I don't know.

I do know that there are many women out there who have suffered miscarriages and my heart goes out to every single one of them, I only wish that when I went through it, I had blogging in my life, it may have helped a lot.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Something you said really stuck. I have a VERY ill daughter. People say the stupidest things meaning to be kind. Like you said if people could just say they are sorry and praying it would go a LONG way. People try to tell me its God will (that a kid suffers?-thats mean) or that God wont give us more than we can handle (wow thanks) or any other stupid remarks. Sorry and I am praying. How can I help. Those are the magic words.

Sandra said...

Anon - You are SO right, those are the magic words and they're all we want to hear at a time like that. I sent up a prayer for your daughter and will continue to keep her in my prayers daily. *Hugs*

Lisa said...

Oh, Sandra. I wish I had words. Just know that, if my human tongue knew how to utter just the ones that would take your pain and sadness away, they'd be the very ones I'd aay. Praying for you. <3

Lisa said...

I meant "say"... I swear, I try so hard not to do that in my comments!

Katrina said...

I lost my first baby... It isn't easy, and you're right, people try and say all kinds of things, some help, but most don't really make you feel any better. Hope this May is a happy one for you!

Mistress said...

Beautiful post. The words are very expressive of any woman who has had to suffer a loss.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope that you find strength this month and this blog post helps you out.

)))hugs(((

shannon said...

I am so very sorry for your losses. I pray give you something wonderful in the month of May so it is not always a sad month.

I have suffered 3 losses myself and have a post on blog that kinda goes with yours. Thought I would share.
http://shaslifespot.blogspot.com/2009/01/words-never-to-say-to-woman-after-mc.html

shannon said...

OOPS... that is suppose to say

I pray GOD gives you something wonderful in the month of May.....

Mari said...

I have never gone through this, so can't pretned to know how you feel. I'm sorry though and will be praying for you this month.

Conny said...

Thanks for sharing that ... my sad month is October (2002). We lost our 3rd baby to miscarriage then. Your post helped me to realize I'm not alone (which I knew - but still ... good reminder). I'm glad God gave you Nicolas - and I'm praying God will give me consolation through our baby that is due in early January!

Nicole said...

I have not experienced a loss such as yours; your post moved me. I can't even begin to imagine! I pray that God will give you much needed strength this month. {{{HUGS}}}, ice cream, and a good movie.

Michelle said...

There are no words to comfort but to say I"m here for you.I've never had a miscarriage and don't know the heartache.{{{HUGS}}}}}

...they call me mommy... said...

(((HUGS))) I lost a baby February of '06, Sandra! I understand how sad it is...thank you for sharing your heart!

Rachel said...

We lost a baby in May of 2005. At the time I was so very crushed but thank the Lord we have a beautiful 1 year old daughter now. I'm sorry would have been much easier to handle than some of the "kind" sympathies people offered.
Thank you for sharing with us! It is hard to talk about things like this so publicly.

The Bookworm said...

I lost both my first and last babies so I understand your pain. A friend of mine who has suffered a number of miscarriages has written some beautiful blog posts, including this poem you might like to read.

Micha said...

Sandra,
I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you.

Cheri said...

June is my difficult month- it will be 13 yrs this year that I had stillborn twins at 20 wks. We lost 2 pregnancies before that which is what led us to adoption. I think often if I hadn't lost those children I wouldn't have my girls.
God's plan- it's not always easy to understand it at the time and sometimes never but sometimes we get a glimpse!
Praying for you!

Tina said...

I'm so sorry Sandra. I'm sending up a prayer for you right now.

Sarah in England said...

I struggled through a miscarriage too with my second pregnancy. I had to go into hospital as it wasn't a straight forward miscarriage. I totally agree that people should be so careful with their words.

It hurts even now. We planted a rose bush just outside our living room window and our pastor came round and prayed with us. It really helped me. I remember writing about my baby being in heaven on my blog (one of my old blogs I've deleted) and someone disagreed with me (I won't go into details). That hurt so bad. We should be so careful with our words.

Your little ones are in heaven as you say. It hurts us but they are there so joyful and happy, and I actually believe we are with them because Heaven is eternal and not constrained by time. Well that's what I really feel anyway.

Huge hugs. xxxxxx

Just me~ Bobbie Jo said...

((((((((((sandra))))))))

Amy said...

))Huggs(( being sent to you. While I have never had any children and can not imagine how difficult someting like this is. I will keep you in my thoughts. Amy

autumnesf said...

Thank you for letting us know not only what doesn't help, but what DOES. I'm very sorry and am praying for you!

Sarah said...

keeping you and hubby in prayer today.

Renee said...

Thank you for sharing with all of us. Big ((())) to you! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Stacey said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I will be praying for you! I love your blog and thank you for all that you share with us!

Susanne said...

I'm so sorry Sandra and praying God carries throughout this month. I too lost a little one at 14 weeks. And I am very much looking forward to finally meeting them one day which as believers is the hope that we have. I don't know what I'd would have done without that.

Michele said...

Thanks for sharing this. I never had a MC, but my daughter did. She never was one to open up her feelings to anyone, me included, so your words have helped me understand what she was going through.
Three months later, she was blessed with creation again and now Lucas is the joy and light of our lives.
I, too, didn't know what to say to her, so just cried and hugged her. I don't think there could be any words to say at a time like that.

Naomi said...

Sandra,

I've never commented until today--the day after I experienced my first miscarriage. Thank you so much for putting into words how it can feel... Especially the reminder to hold the Lord's hand rather than be angry. He's an awfully good Comforter when we allow Him to be, isn't He? Thank you again,

Naomi

Anonymous said...

I have a month like that too. Mine is October but that is because my grandmother, who meant the world to me, passed suddenly. I miss her dearly and every October sadness comes over me.

I am sorry for your loss. One day when we are in heaven there will be no more tears :) and we will be reunited with our loved ones!!!!!!!!!

Izabela
Canada

Nancy said...

Both of my daughters had miscarrages and all I could do was sit by and hold their hand. It was a helpless feeling, but both girls have beautiful children now, and one day we will all meet their other babies in heaven. I'll remember you in prayer.

Lisa@UnexpectedJourney said...

Hugs to you, Sandra! I also experienced two miscarriages after having my first daughter. What a horrible time - the losses, wondering whether I would ever have another child. I can relate to what you're saying. Now think of the joy you'll have when you see your angels in heaven!
God bless you!

Debra said...

Sandra, reading this post made my heart ache for you! I had two miscarriages also and the first one included a D&C too. I remember how devastating it was, after trying all the tricks in the book to get pregnant for 11 solid months, the first time.

I had even taken a sewing class and made my first little flannel pj's for the baby. I remember how depressed I was and then, to lose another one, was just more than I could even understand.

I'm so sorry that May is such a terrible reminder for you. I just stopped and prayed for you, just now!

heidi @ ggip said...

I agree, I think blogging can be quite therapeutic with experiences like these.

Lulu said...

I'm so sorry sandra...
hugs,

Michelle said...

I'm sorry May brings such sadness and unhappy memories for you. I'm sorry for the babies you lost and can't hold in your arms...but just know that you will see/hold them again one day. Be kind to yourself as you get closer to these anniversaries of sadness and know we're all thinking of you.

Niki said...

I miscarried my first child on May 31st. It took me till the due date to be able to not cry anymore.

I've had dreams about that baby and I do miss that baby but I do feel very blessed to have my two boys.

**hugs** You are in my thoughts Sandra!

Barb said...

I'm sorry, Sandra, and I can understand why the anniversary of such a heartbreaking experience would make you sad. I know how blessed I am that I never went through this. I think people are well intentioned but just don't know what to say. I'm sure "it just wasn't meant to be" is a very painful thing to hear and I know people say that a lot. It would upset me too, to hear that.

Sarah in England said...

Sandra I have just read the most beautiful post and wondered if you would find it as encouraging as I did.
http://thejoyefuljourney.blogspot.com/2009/04/miracle-of-my-precious-titus.html

Huge hugs and kisses. xxx

Kelli said...

I too lost a baby in May during the Memorial day weekend, but it was May of 1998 and we had just moved into a new town, a new house and our 2 boys were trying to make friends and finish up their preschooling in our old town. I never knew anything was wrong, just started bleeding. I was about 13-14 weeks along.

I feel your pain. I have been there, and I'm sorry for your pain. I don't think we will ever forget, I haven't yet, or understand why.

Carol and Christie said...

I 2 know this feeling 3 times over. Losing twins during labor at 14weeks, losing a single child 12weeks and then last year not even knowing I was pregnant and miscarrying at around 9weeks we guess. It is hard. Know this, God has promised us that our children will be in heaven awaiting our arrival. I was finally blessed with 1 healthy pregnancy and a beautiful daughter. Life finds its way.

Tina Leigh said...

NO words Sandra.......

Jodi said...

Sandra-

Thank you for writing this post as I'm sure it was not easy. I think you helped to bring a lot of people together that sadly have a miscarriage in common. I'm very sorry for your losses and I understand that it is difficult. I too lost a baby...it was last June. You will be in my prayers.