Image credit: Allposters
You know how there are some people that have a certain month they don't like? Maybe it's because they think they have no luck during that month or it reminds them of a sad moment in time?
For me it's the latter, it's the fact that since May of 2001, I have held this immense sadness inside me, this photographic memory of a certain place and time in my life when I lay in bed, crying in physical and emotional pain, begging God for an answer, a reason to why I was suffering.
Just a few weeks prior, at the end of April 2001, I had gotten confirmation of the one of the happiest moments in my life, I remember sitting in the bathroom with that pregnancy test and smiling, a huge grin spread across my face. I literally jumped for joy, this was it, this was our second child, it was just perfect, Jasmine was two years old and I thought the difference in age was just right.
But things weren't meant to be. I didn't know it at the time, but in just a few weeks I would be back in that same bathroom, sitting on that same toilet in shock, watching almost in an out of body experience like, as I lost that baby.
The pain that rips through you is unimaginable, it's nothing I could ever sit down and describe, I cried and I lashed out at God at first, I was so frustrated, why me? Why did this happen? I had done everything right but yet it didn't seem to work and I found myself blaming my body, after all I was supposed to have kept my child safe but I didn't. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming, no matter how many times the doctor said "It's not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it".
The worst part was the looks when people found out, or the unfeeling words from those that didn't quite know what to say but yet felt compelled to offer some kind of advice. But when you're going through a miscarriage, the LAST thing you want to hear is "it's for the best"....or "it just wasn't meant to be".
I used to sit there, bite my tongue and think "what the heck do you know about me and what is best or not?". It was the grief speaking, I was so blinded by it that I had no patience whatsoever for anyone.
I remember the first month I walked around in a fog, I cried every time I went to the bathroom, every time I wiped it was a reminder that I was wiping away what could have been. I would never get to hold this baby in my arms, to see him/her take their first steps, go to kindergarten, smile and laugh and call me mommy. That hurt, it still does to this day.
May just does that for me, I may be having the best of time, but when this month rolls around, the memories come flooding back and they hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially around Memorial Day, the day it happened. You learn to deal with it, but you never forget.
I didn't stay mad at God for too long, a few days at most before I quickly changed my tune and knew that I would never get through it without Him. So instead of turning away, I turned towards Him......I clutched my hand in His so tightly and let Him lead me through it.
I just knew deep inside that I would get pregnant again and have a perfectly beautiful and healthy baby, but little did I know that I would have to endure another miscarriage just a month later.
When it first happened again, I was in utter shock and the fact that it wasn't an easy straight forward miscarriage, just added to the pain. There was a D&C and ultrasounds and weekly blood tests and even a Methotraxate shot.....yes chemo.
So yes, May became that month for me.
Nowadays as painful as the memories are, I have to remind myself that I did lose two beautiful babies who are now in heaven, but if I had one or both, would my sweet handsome Nicholas be here? Things happen for a reason, I know that, obviously at the time I didn't want to hear it, all I wanted was for people to just support me and if they didn't know how to react or what to say, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss, will be praying for you" would have sufficed.
I'm not sure why I was led to write this post today, other than the fact that I'm feeling sad I felt a strong need to put it on the blog. Maybe it will help someone out there going through a miscarriage, maybe it will bring some comfort to someone, I don't know.
I do know that there are many women out there who have suffered miscarriages and my heart goes out to every single one of them, I only wish that when I went through it, I had blogging in my life, it may have helped a lot.