Monday, August 3, 2015

Mother and teenage daughter relationship!

 

Tiring!!!

That's the only word I can think of at the moment, I'm absolutely shattered and heartbroken, sad, confused and just don't know how to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'll be fine, there are millions of mothers out there doing this every single day, dealing with hormonal teenage daughters and sons, and they do just fine.  I know I'll be ok, I know I'll get through, but for this moment in time, the issues seem insurmountable.

It's hard folks, and for those of you with little ones, trust me, it's nothing like you ever imagined, matter of fact, think of the worst it could be and times that by a thousand.

In my attempt to keep it real here on my blog, and you know I've always shared my life with you, my thoughts and opinions etc, I wanted to talk, vent, let it out and maybe even get some advice from you out there who have been through it.

When your children are little, you look at them and they have all this love in their eyes, they run up to you and wrap their little arms around your neck, kiss you, tell you they love you and will never be mean to you, and you believe it.  Wholeheartedly believe it!!!

Those moms dealing with unruly teens?  That's not you.
Those moms dealing with the I hate you's?  Nope, that is never going to be me.
Those moms complaining of the daily fights with their teenagers?  That's not going to be my precious child, she's too sweet and she loves me so much.


And then you blink and you find yourself standing in the kitchen with a 16 year old before you, arms folded across the chest, eyes rolling and major attitude coming at you like waves from a tsunami.  It's quite confusing at first, you wonder where that all came from, and where is the sweet little red head that you could have sworn was just kissing you the day before.

As a mother, there is nothing worse than the look of disdain from your own children, hearing them smart mouth you, tell you that they know better, that they don't want to discuss this any further, it's quite shocking at first.

Your first instinct is to not say anything that will make them hate you, really, it is.  But just as quickly as that thought comes, another creeps in, and that is the one that tells you that YOU are the parent and not them and that they may hate you right now but one day they will understand and thank you.  Oh how many times I heard that from my own parents and I reacted the exact same way my daughter did, thinking "Oh please, whatever, so dramatic".

I'm at a point where as much as I love her, I don't like her very much at times.....let me rephrase that, I love her with all my heart, but don't like some of the things she does.  That's better!!!

She has a boyfriend, they've been together over a year.  I get it, I was 16 once, I had a boyfriend who I was completely in love with, anything my parents said that interfered in any way with that was frowned up and hated by me, and I jumped to his defense like a lioness defending her cubs.  I never once stopped to think about how that made my parents feel, not once, not until I was on the receiving end and it hurts, and it's frustrating, and guess what?

It's normal!!!!  Yep, it's absolutely normal and that is the part of this that sucks.  If it wasn't normal it would mean that I could find a solution for this, like a special pill I could pop that would stop all this in it's tracks.  But there isn't, the only way to get out of this is to go THROUGH it, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

Most days I'm fine, I can deal with the attitude, then there's days like today where I'm feeling especially emotional, missing my great grandmother and grandmother terribly and any little thing sets me off.  So I have zero patience and zero tolerance for insolence and I could care less how upset she gets that I pull the wifi.

Does it make me a terrible mother?  In her eyes, I'm sure it does.


Thing is, I'm not here to please her, or anyone else, or make her life easy.  I'm here to mother her, protect her, shelter her and give her the tools she needs to get out there in this horrible crazy world and survive.  No one is going to make things easy for her, no one is going to give her hand outs, no one is going to care if she is too tired from being up too late, or too lazy to clean her room, no one.....because in the end, as always, the only people who will always be there will be us, her parents.

I'm so tired, so incredibly tired and my heart hurts, we've fought so much today, she's said things, I've said things, tempers flared, voices were raised and tears where shed on both parts.  And then 2 hours later she says "Momma, I love you so much".  My heart melts, the anger subsides and all that is left is this feeling of being drained.

Tomorrow, we'll be back at it over something else I'm sure, or maybe we won't.  That's the thing, with teenagers you never can tell, and Jasmine and I have always had a very close relationship, but the past 2 months it's been extremely strained and I think it's part due to me not wanting to let go as she grows up, and her trying to exert her independence.

I pray, so fervently for the Lord's guidance through this, because I know that without Him, I will fall and stumble and do it all wrong.  I am after all just a human, a simple mom finding her way through this teenage maze and hoping, just hoping and praying that I come out the other side unscathed.  Oh I'm sure I'll have a few battle scars, but for the most part, I'm hoping to survive it.

Wish me luck!!!

21 comments:

Sweet Tea said...

I really do understand.
I know how difficult this season of life is, and it seems that teenage girls
are the most difficult - perhaps it's our hormones.
I've made no secret of the difficulties our family has had through the teen
years with our daughter. Now she's 20 and we are best friends and confidantes.
It will happen for you too...My only advice is to take it "day by day".
Every day is a victory and a day closer to her becoming of age.
You're a wonderful Mom!

Lee said...

Hi Stay at home Mom....
Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.
Being a full time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in any field, since the payment is pure love.

You just stay easy...one day she'll write on your birthday card.."And my mom is a never ending song in my hear of comfort, happiness and being. I may sometimes forget the words, but I always remember the tune".
You have a nice day, and keep a song in your heart.
Best regards,
Lee.

Victoria Adams said...

i always knew children would bring me joy, i just never realized how much Sadness they bring as well...

Mari said...

As one who's been there, I can tell you that the time will come, when she has a little one of her own and she'll tell you - "I get it now. I'm sorry for what I put you through." Hang in there until then!

Tanya said...

I have no words of comfort or advice. All I can give is a virtual shoulder to cry on and heaps of hugs. I've been through teenage years with my son, but he was a great teenager a not-so-great adult though.
I've yet to come to Niquitta's teen years. For now she is my lovely and wonderful 9 year old, but I know those years are laying ahead, waiting for me and there's nothing I can do about it except bookmark this post and read it when I get to that stage where anything remotely normal seems like the end of the world.

Anna TheSmellyLady said...

been there done that twice now. Everyone always says how bad the terrible 2's are. They are a breeze compared to the terrible teens. They can never seem to comprehend, until several years later, that Mom and Dad have been there done that. It's always nice when they come back and say "hey, you were right" :-) Hang in there ((((HUGS))))

Renee said...

Oh Sandra - I'm right there with you. Hang in there!

Sue ZK said...

Sandra- I don't usually comment but I enjoy your blog. Please realize you are doing everything right. You love her. You want her to grow up right You aren't a tyrant. You don't expect miracles from her and that's important. Continue what youre doing. It will be ok. My girl is now 31 and my son 27 and we get along fine. Its ok to let her know she is hurting you but youre still in charge until she is of age and can support herself. Keep going Sandra youre on the right track!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy at love made my home said...

I can only imagine, but it sounds to me as though you are doing really well!!! SO keep doing it!!!! I am sure that this is all normal and that it too will pass. xx

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

This too shall pass ~ as the saying goes.

Hang in there Sandra. Love is the important ingredient and you both have it for each other.

Life isn't always peaches and cream, but hopefully through all of the ups and downs we grow into better people.

Love, hugs and prayers for the both of you ~ FlowerLady

Elizabeth Moorhead said...

Praying for you! I have 3 teenage boys and one of them we have decided is our drama king, complete with the mood swings and all. I may not have girls, but they are teenagers. A big hug to you!

Elizabeth

Lori said...

I completely understand all of this! My daughter will be 17 in October. I am so done with the attitude! What bothers me most is how disrespectful she can be at times. I'm looking forward to this phase being over.

NITA said...

I was once a rebellious teenager, I fought, I argued, i rolled my eyes...then I grew up, got married, prayed for kids & got three 80 year old kids who fought, argued, rolled eyes when I told them what was the best & safest...
My last Mother's day was the best telling my Mom how much I loved her...
Mother/Daughter relationships are the best

Deb said...

Prayers for you and your daughter. I wish I could say it always gets better - but I can't. Right now, I have two adult children who think their dad and I did nothing right as parents and two other adult children who think we did OK - one of who thinks we are "the best parents ever." Go figure. Sometimes, it is takes many years for our children to see our point of view and thank us. Sometimes, they never do. Do your best to try and be "Godly mother" as I know you are, but ultimately realize that working our selves out of a job and raising children who can stand on their own two feet is what the goal of every parent should be. It's just that sometimes, that is not a fun task. Prayers from AZ.

Rachel said...

I can't give any advice, as I still have a few years to go before entering that realm of teenage daughter versus mother battles. However, what I can offer is virtual hugs and thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter. And I can say that I believe that you ARE a wonderful mom, because if you did not love and care for your daughter, you wouldn't care about your relationship with her now.

Carrie B. said...

Prayers and strength to you my Dear! You're SO not alone and I think you have the exact right attitude. My teenager is a son and I have the exact same thoughts as you at times, but in the end I completely agree that we're here to be their parent and not their friend. Our job is to love them, guide them and give them the tools to be good adults one day.

Keep up the good fight and know one day you'll both look back on all of this and maybe even laugh and feel even closer because you got through these teenage years together with love as the bottom line.
xo

Anonymous said...

Sandra,

I am sorry for what you are going through now but it's not just a girl thing. My now 24 year old son had a bit of attitude at times when he was younger and my now 15 year old son sometimes seems a little moody (uggh hormones!!) however I agree with everyone that it is our job to love them , guide them and help them to be good people once they are on their own. Motherhood is the best but hardest and sometimes thankless job there is!! I joked with my husband one time that I deserve "combat pay"-LOL! You are doing great and you are in my thoughts. I only hope that my husband and I have and still are doing a good job as my 24 year old sometimes talks about spreading his wings and getting his own place. BOO HOO! He can't be all grown up already!

Laura B.

Linds said...

Sandra - my kids are grown and have flown, but let me tell you, this is normal. I remember once, when I started a bookclub many years ago, all the girls had little ones and I had teens. I told them one night, that one day, their little darlings may swear at them, have zero respect, be horrendous, and that they would be too afraid to tell anyone, in case they were seen as failures, but that not to worry, they were normal.

Well, those dear friends all rolled their eyes and thought, never MY baby.

Haha.

Scroll forward a decade or two, and every single one of them, at one time or another has come to me and said, thank you SO much for warning us, because it all happened, just as you said, and knowing we were not failures meant the world.

As I have said many times, my job is to be Mum. My job is to parent it is not a popularity contest. Now I have grown children, we have the luxury of choosing to spend time together. I have never not loved them. I have not liked what they have done PLENTY of times! Hang in there. 16 is old enough to join the army. Give me strength. You are doing just fine. (Oh, and one thing I found worked well was to find something to stand on, like our stairs, so I was taller than them, when I yelled - ahem - chatted to them!) You will laugh one day. I promise. xx

Theresa F said...

My daughter is 17 and can be a real treat at times. I did not allow dating until 17 and she was fine with that. I undoubtedly saved myself much drama there. She has struggled with depression and had a friend hang herself at 15. I never dealt with anything so tragic as a teen and so I try to be understanding of her moods. As a teen I never caused my parents grief. Truly. My husband says I was abnormal. I say my mom instilled the fear of God in me :).

My son is 13 and gives me a much harder time. He is a good kid morally he is just unbelievably stubborn!!!! It is exasperating at times. Still I know he doesn't back down in his faith in Christ and shares his faith without fear. For that I am thankful and try to thank God even for his stubborn bent.

itsjustToni said...

I have raised 3 children and am a great-grandma now. In addition, I was an early childhood educator for 25 years, so I worked with literally thousands of kids and their parents. I am here to tell you that you couldn't pay me enough to be a teenager, nor could you pay me enough to be a parent of a teenager! Those are the two hardest jobs in the world! One needs to pull away yet hang on (they don't know about that part) and the other wants to hang on yet push out of the nest (believe it or not). This is the perfect set up for turmoil! Just hang on and some day you may overhear her say to her half grown kids "My Mom is better than YOUR Mom!" and want to correct her...

Not to forget: Love your Blog and I want to live in your header painting!

Stacey said...

My daughter is 15. And man-o-man its so hard being a mom! Lol I'm a stay at home mom now (before full time nurse and worked outside the home). My job at this point is to keep her going the right direction. Shes super smart- makes awesome grades- doing very well- but boy crazy!!!!! I'm pretty strict. There is no book on parenting and my husband works out of town most of the time! Its hard! I dont want to be too protective- but not protective enough! Its a balance that is hard to manage. This world is scary. Im scared for her. Im scared I'm sheltering her too much. But when I hear stories from her friends of things they have done or been through- it makes me more protective. I pray on it and take it day by day. But it scares me. Teenage years are hard as a parent! You never know if your doing it right or not! My daughter lettered as a freshman for academics and found out this year (sophomore yr) so I think 'ok I'm doing something right?!' but you still as a parent question yourself if your doing any of this right at all!? So hard! So scary! Parenting is scary and I just hope I'm doing something right.lol