Wednesday, September 23, 2015

{ Happy Fall }

First day of Fall

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
fluttering from the Autumn tree." 
- Emily Bronte

First day of Fall

By John Greenleaf Whittier

Heap high the farmer's wintry hoard!
Heap high the golden corn!
No richer gift has autumn poured
From out her lavish horn.

Let other hands exulting glean
The apple from the pine,
The orange from its glossy green,
The cluster from the vine.

But let the good old corn adorn
The hills our fathers trod;
Still let us, for his golden corn,
Send up our thanks to God.

First day of Fall

It's here, it's finally officially here and I'm thrilled.

Not that I needed an actual date to tell me what I already knew, see, for the past few weeks I've been watching my trees turn, the leaves going yellow and falling to the grass below, the mornings getting a little nip in the air, and fog rolling in.

First day of Fall

Fall has arrived, and with it some of my favorite things on earth. 

Scarves, boots, pumpkin flavored everything, hot chocolate, warm days and cold nights, crisp air and hoodies.

First day of Fall

With Fall also comes the beautiful orange glow of the season.  Things take on a different view, vibrant colors become more subdued, the flurry of summer activities start slowing down and preparations begin for the colder months ahead.

First day of Fall

This photo above happens to be my favorite from this set.  You know why?  Because aside from that perfect leaf on the ground, it is nothing but weeds, annoying weeds, but when I look at it I don't see the ugliness or the annoyance of those sand spurs, I see beauty.

It honestly makes me think of life in general and how everything has a beauty of it's own, no matter how ugly it may be labeled by society. 

Seeing the beauty in the hard times, the tough moments, is what gets us through.

I haven't said anything on my blog yet, but if you are friends with me on facebook then you will know that the past few days have been excruciatingly hard for me and my family.

My sweet dear grandma is in hospital fighting for her life.  A month ago she had a pacemaker put in to regulate her poor tired heart.

On Sunday she couldn't catch her breath and was transferred to the hospital.  She has been in ICU since then with an accelerated heart beat, fluid in her lungs and an infection.  On Monday she went into cardiac arrest and is now in renal failure too and on a ventilator.  She is hooked up to 6 IV's and now has a hole in her throat so they can feed her.

I'm heartbroken, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm lost and I'm feeling absolutely helpless because I can't be there to hold her hand.  It's killing me and I'm struggling really really hard to keep it together.

I know the inevitable is coming, she is after all 92, but I can't let go and selfishly I want her to stay around for many more years, but that is not fair to her.  So I've put it in the Lord's hands and all I can do now is wait and see what happens.

She means the absolute world to me.

So this morning, I stepped outside with my camera and allowed God to calm my heart and to force me to take a deep breath and slow down and try to block it all out, at least for a minute or two.

I don't know what the next few days hold, I find myself breaking down and crying at random times throughout the day, and at first I tried to stop myself, but I can't friends, I need to let it out, it's almost as if my body is preparing for her passing.

This is life, this is the cycle and sometimes we are hit with circumstances that knock us right off course, the trick is to allow yourself to go through the emotions while still moving forward. 

That is where I'm at, the struggle to balance it all......


Heather said...

I am so sorry about your grandma. Saying a prayer for peace for you, and your family.

Lulu said...

praying for her and you also ...
god bless

Lori said...

So sorry, Sandra. Sending prayers for you and your family.

Dirt Road Primitives said...

Quietness is what we all need from time to time, calm and still, may you find some peace in these autumn days ......prayers to you and your family.....

Blessed Be..

Tina Leigh said...

Sandra I could not be at my grandmothers bedside when she passed, or when her health was failing. Our distance was great & my family obligations did not allow for it either. I guess I really could have been there but I know she would have wanted me to meet my immediate families needs first and to pray for her. We had a thing...a thing we did when WE did get to see each other that turned into a thing we did when we were able to talk on the phone. She was losing her hearing towards the end so phone calls became difficult. But the "thing" we always did was pray for each other & she would always tell me this, "Leigh-Leigh, if we don't ever see or talk to each other again on this earth, then I will see you in Heaven." SHE ALWAYS SAID THAT TO ME, when we parted or ended a conversation. She knew her years were coming to a close yet she made it so simple for me..."then I will see you in Heaven". Sandra when you can do nothing else, pray. Father God, you can heal Sandas grandma if You want to. Actually I know You will one way or another. Perfect healing You give us on the other side. We don't always like that when we are left behind but You know which is best for her. Lord we do not want her to suffer. Will You keep her comfortable in this thing regardless. Will You give comfort & peace to Sandra in all this. Guilt and hard decisions come during this time, heartache that only You know. Will You help the ones making the decisions, let the family be as one accord in it all. Guide the nurses in every decision & every comfort measure given to this woman. Have them give just the right information to the attending doctors. Again when know You can totally heal her in this world. We want Your Perfect Will regardless & we will give You praise & glory for very bit of it. Comfort & settle Sandra. In Jesus Name.

Anonymous said...

So sorry, Sandra. The Lord is with her and you at this difficult time. My Daddy passed Valentines Day 2001 and is still a great lost. But, not like losing my youngest brother 12/26/13 (visited with him in Florida week before he passed), with my Mother on 11/30/14 (spent many hours with her in the nursing home in New York summer before she passed). Then, middle brother had Stage IV lung cancer. Thankfully, we got to visit with him a couple of weeks before he passed (August 5, 2015), while he looked good despite cancer and was so positive in his outlook for next year in replacing dead trees in his apple orchard, many wooden projects, etc.). We no sooner got home from the 1200+ mile trip only to turn around to go to his beautiful funeral in New York. All six of his children were pall bearers and so heartbreaking. We just never know what is in store for us, but place our lives in His hands with knowing of our eternity reunion with family. I'd say enough is enough, but three years in a row with our loses! It's just my oldest brother (77 who also has liver cancer, but holding on) and me left in our family. May the Good Lord be by your side. You're in my thoughts and prayers. (Mary in Georgia)

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

I am so sorry about your Grandma dear Sandra.

May you feel the love, peace and healing strength of Jesus flowing through and surrounding you at this time.

Love, hugs & prayers ~ FlowerLady

Renee said...

So sorry to hear about your Grandma. Am sending praying for her and you and your family. Take care!

Anonymous said...


I am sorry to hear about your Grandma. I will pray for your Grandma, you and the family. May you find strength in Jesus.

Laura B.

Amy at love made my home said...

So sorry to hear about your Grandma. We were in a similar place this time last year. My Grandma is still with us - she is older than yours - so I hope that your Grandma will make it through too. Sending you all good thoughts and hugs. xx

Sweet Tea said...

Beautifully said, Sandra. Loss is hard and I understand your grief as you prepare for the inevitable.
When I lost my Dad to Alz's I felt as though I had already grieved his passing and actually felt
Great relief knowing his suffering was over. I refuse to remember him during those last month and instead, in my mind
I see him as he would want to be remembered, hard-working, capable, and strong. ((HUGS))

Laura {a spoonful of joy} said...

What a beautiful post. Truly inspiring.
Thoughts and prayers for you at this time of loss. :(

Carrie B. said...

Sending many prayers your way dear Sandra! I was so close with my Grandma too and it was so difficult to let her go. I know you have a strong faith and a Loving family - and may they both help you get through the days ahead.

LOved your photos and the beauty in this post.
Blessings to you!! xoxo

Ang Boz said...

Oh, Sandra. I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you.