Monday, August 1, 2016
Life has been difficult around here. I don't know how else to put it, but plainly telling you that I'm struggling through a lot of things at the moment and I've even considered just getting rid of my blog because I don't have time to post, I don't feel that connection to it anymore and I'm not sure if I will get that blogging mojo back ever again.
I don't want to make any concrete decisions that I'll come to regret later on. All I'm going to do is leave things as they are at the moment and hope that it all comes together in my life and my heart and my head.
I just am feeling extremely beaten down by life, it's a constant barrage of problems, losses, sadness and I don't quite know how to get through all of this.
I'm trying though, really I am, but I'll tell you that I've cried more the past 2 months than I have in the past few years.
I feel like we are under attack as a family, and it's been ever since we moved to Texas. I don't regret our move, I don't regret the decision to be here and I certainly don't regret the amazing job my husband has.
It almost feels like we are having to fight to keep all this together because it's so good for us as a family, that it's made someone down there extremely irritated.
I've strayed from the Lord. That's the honest to God's truth. :(
And it wasn't for any specific reason, other than life got in the way and I got busy and focused on things that really don't need to be focused on. I removed my sight from what matters, I became a wordly person instead of a Godly child and it's hit me hard, extremely hard.
The past few months have been excruciating, I will tell you that I would be glad to see this year come to an end, even though we're only halfway through it. The heart ache, the difficult decisions and situations we've had to work through, the losses around us. They've worn me down.
Lately I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at me. I've aged, my health is suffering for it, I've become hardened to a lot of things, I've cussed, I've said things out of anger, and I've tried so very hard to hold on to things and people that are no good for me.
I'm not sharing any of this to garner sympathy. I just felt that I needed to get it out. What you're reading is pure, truth, raw.
I feel like a broken woman. I've had to fight for my marriage to stay together, we've struggled and in the midst of all the drama, problems, financial issues and uncertainties around us, we turned on each other instead of TO each other. Hurtful things have been said and I honestly thought that my marriage was over.
Then our sweet Lola passed, and for the first time in what seems like forever, we turned TO each other and it felt like coming home after years of being away. We stopped all the BS, we stopped all the drama and the bitterness and petty fights, and we really focused on us, on our marriage, and getting back to where we need to be. Things are finally back on track in that area and I'm so extremely thankful and blessed to have my husband back.
Our beautiful daughter Jasmine, is another issue. It's been so hard dealing with her anxiety and depression. She is going to therapy, taking medicine for her depression and anxiety, and trying to find her way and who she is.
I was a teenager before, I know how hard it is to feel like you don't know yourself and you don't know who you are and where you fit in. In my day things were already difficult but I feel like today, with social media and the way society is, it has made it so excruciatingly hard for teenagers. They all feel like they need to fit within a certain label, a certain group, and there in itself lies the biggest issue.
I'm not going to talk about what all she is feeling or going through because it's private, and it's not something that I feel needs to be put out into the world.
I will share that my husband and I have been trying very hard to help her through everything she's going through, while at the same time struggling with our marital problems, giving her the unconditional love and support she deserves and needs from us, while trying to understand or learn to understand things that we ourselves have never experienced.
I ask you all to pray for her, and I mean pray really hard because at this point, she desperately needs it.
I've reached my breaking point. I'm ready to give it all back to God again and to ask Him to please take me back and help me through this. I need to get back to my faith, back to my roots so to speak, back to HIM.
I'm not saying that once I'm there, I will never have issues again or problems again, but I know for a fact having been through it many times before, that I will be able to get through them, and face them much easier than I am now.
It feels like we are in a huge battle at the moment, and to be honest, I felt like we were losing it. I can't let that happen, I WON'T let that happen.
My family is everything to me. My husband, my daughter, my son, they are the reason I get up every morning and face another day, even on those days where I want to fall apart and call it quits. And believe me, there have been many days like that lately.
I'm turning 42 years old in 9 days. 9 days!!!!
I can not, and will not be beaten down.
Is life hard? Yes!!!
Does it feel unbearable at times? Yes!!!
Does it sometimes feel like we have no break from the negativity? Yes!!!
But it's up to us to make that change, and to fight it or give in. We have a choice, and for far too long I've left that choice up to chance, instead of grabbing hold of my own life and placing it in God's more than capable hands. He's never let me down before.
I'm sorry that this post is not at all like my usual posts here on the blog. I'm honestly bearing my heart and soul to you all, I've never in my life felt more vulnerable than I do at this moment, but I needed to do this.
People have this idea that my life is perfect, that I'm always happy and nothing goes wrong for us. So I hope that by reading this, you will finally get a little insight into what it's been like for me.
I need prayer, I need comfort, I need someone to tell me that no matter how big this mountain looks, I will cross it and come out on the other side stronger than ever before. That I will one day look back on these years and smile because I won the battle before me.
I'm scared, I'm weak, I'm emotionally and physically tired, I'm not myself, I lack motivation, I lack joy and the oomphff I used to have. I just hope that it will all work out and I'll be back to myself soon.
I am sorry, truly, for neglecting you all as my readers, for neglecting my blog, and my faith and what matters.
Maybe I'm supposed to blog my way through this mess, maybe I'm supposed to use it as a way to jot down my feelings and try to make sense of it all. I don't know. I honestly don't know, and that right there is one of the biggest stress factors for me, the uncertainty of what is to come and where this will all end up.
For now, I've turned back to the one and only who can help me through it. God!!!