Monday, August 1, 2016

Life update!!!


Life has been difficult around here.  I don't know how else to put it, but plainly telling you that I'm struggling through a lot of things at the moment and I've even considered just getting rid of my blog because I don't have time to post, I don't feel that connection to it anymore and I'm not sure if I will get that blogging mojo back ever again.

I don't want to make any concrete decisions that I'll come to regret later on.  All I'm going to do is leave things as they are at the moment and hope that it all comes together in my life and my heart and my head.

I just am feeling extremely beaten down by life, it's a constant barrage of problems, losses, sadness and I don't quite know how to get through all of this.

I'm trying though, really I am, but I'll tell you that I've cried more the past 2 months than I have in the past few years.

I feel like we are under attack as a family, and it's been ever since we moved to Texas.  I don't regret our move, I don't regret the decision to be here and I certainly don't regret the amazing job my husband has.

It almost feels like we are having to fight to keep all this together because it's so good for us as a family, that it's made someone down there extremely irritated.


I've strayed from the Lord.  That's the honest to God's truth.  :(

And it wasn't for any specific reason, other than life got in the way and I got busy and focused on things that really don't need to be focused on.  I removed my sight from what matters, I became a wordly person instead of a Godly child and it's hit me hard, extremely hard.

The past few months have been excruciating, I will tell you that I would be glad to see this year come to an end, even though we're only halfway through it.  The heart ache, the difficult decisions and situations we've had to work through, the losses around us.  They've worn me down.

Lately I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at me.  I've aged, my health is suffering for it, I've become hardened to a lot of things, I've cussed, I've said things out of anger, and I've tried so very hard to hold on to things and people that are no good for me.

I'm not sharing any of this to garner sympathy.  I just felt that I needed to get it out.  What you're reading is pure, truth, raw.

I feel like a broken woman.  I've had to fight for my marriage to stay together, we've struggled and in the midst of all the drama, problems, financial issues and uncertainties around us, we turned on each other instead of TO each other.  Hurtful things have been said and I honestly thought that my marriage was over.

Then our sweet Lola passed, and for the first time in what seems like forever, we turned TO each other and it felt like coming home after years of being away.  We stopped all the BS, we stopped all the drama and the bitterness and petty fights, and we really focused on us, on our marriage, and getting back to where we need to be.  Things are finally back on track in that area and I'm so extremely thankful and blessed to have my husband back.


Our beautiful daughter Jasmine, is another issue.  It's been so hard dealing with her anxiety and depression.  She is going to therapy, taking medicine for her depression and anxiety, and trying to find her way and who she is.

I was a teenager before, I know how hard it is to feel like you don't know yourself and you don't know who you are and where you fit in.  In my day things were already difficult but I feel like today, with social media and the way society is, it has made it so excruciatingly hard for teenagers.  They all feel like they need to fit within a certain label, a certain group, and there in itself lies the biggest issue.

I'm not going to talk about what all she is feeling or going through because it's private, and it's not something that I feel needs to be put out into the world.

I will share that my husband and I have been trying very hard to help her through everything she's going through, while at the same time struggling with our marital problems, giving her the unconditional love and support she deserves and needs from us, while trying to understand or learn to understand things that we ourselves have never experienced.

I ask you all to pray for her, and I mean pray really hard because at this point, she desperately needs it.


I've reached my breaking point.  I'm ready to give it all back to God again and to ask Him to please take me back and help me through this.  I need to get back to my faith, back to my roots so to speak, back to HIM.

I'm not saying that once I'm there, I will never have issues again or problems again, but I know for a fact having been through it many times before, that I will be able to get through them, and face them much easier than I am now.

It feels like we are in a huge battle at the moment, and to be honest, I felt like we were losing it.  I can't let that happen, I WON'T let that happen.

My family is everything to me.  My husband, my daughter, my son, they are the reason I get up every morning and face another day, even on those days where I want to fall apart and call it quits.  And believe me, there have been many days like that lately.

I'm turning 42 years old in 9 days.  9 days!!!!

I can not, and will not be beaten down.

Is life hard?  Yes!!!  
Does it feel unbearable at times? Yes!!!
Does it sometimes feel like we have no break from the negativity?  Yes!!!

But it's up to us to make that change, and to fight it or give in.  We have a choice, and for far too long I've left that choice up to chance, instead of grabbing hold of my own life and placing it in God's more than capable hands.  He's never let me down before.

 
I'm sorry that this post is not at all like my usual posts here on the blog.  I'm honestly bearing my heart and soul to you all, I've never in my life felt more vulnerable than I do at this moment, but I needed to do this.

People have this idea that my life is perfect, that I'm always happy and nothing goes wrong for us.  So I hope that by reading this, you will finally get a little insight into what it's been like for me.

I need prayer, I need comfort, I need someone to tell me that no matter how big this mountain looks, I will cross it and come out on the other side stronger than ever before.  That I will one day look back on these years and smile because I won the battle before me.

I'm scared, I'm weak, I'm emotionally and physically tired, I'm not myself, I lack motivation, I lack joy and the oomphff I used to have.  I just hope that it will all work out and I'll be back to myself soon.

I am sorry, truly, for neglecting you all as my readers, for neglecting my blog, and my faith and what matters.

Maybe I'm supposed to blog my way through this mess, maybe I'm supposed to use it as a way to jot down my feelings and try to make sense of it all.  I don't know.  I honestly don't know, and that right there is one of the biggest stress factors for me, the uncertainty of what is to come and where this will all end up.

For now, I've turned back to the one and only who can help me through it.  God!!!

23 comments:

Lisa D said...

I will pray for you and your family. You are exactly right, turn it over to God, I love the saying Let go and Let God, I repeat that to myself several times a day! Another saying I have is When life gives you more than you can stand, Kneel! Take one day at a time and keep praying!

Alice said...

Don't give up Sandra. Satan works hardest on Believers because he knows he has the unbelievers already!

I think we all go through difficult times and sometimes it takes a long time to move through them. Pray, pray, pray.

My youngest daughter has a lot of issues and we call her our "difficult parenting child". We help her work through her issues all the time and she's in her third year of college. We never give up and she never gives up. She had a boyfriend in high school that pressured her into everything and she just about lost everything we taught her in the Faith. We saw the relationship was not good and then one day God intervened while she was showering. I don't know what happened but a heavenly visitor told her to stop seeing him, apply to a different college (about a month before college started) and to change he lifestyle. She followed that "visitors" advice and has followed that advice ever since.

I also think all marriages have their ups and downs but don't give that up either. We also gripe at each other (mostly me) but if I didn't have my husband I would be a lost woman. The grass is not greener on the other side. We moved three years ago and I miss my house very much. I do not like the house we're in and we're a bit unsettled and ready to move on. That is part of the problem right now.

We have a son who is overweight and can't see that he needs to lose a lot. He is studying biochemistry and will graduate in May and his weight might be a problem in gaining employment. My daughter is a Spanish teacher and taught this year but her job is eliminated so she's moving to Honduras. As parents, we pray for our kids all the time but they are God's kids too and He knows what is best for them.

Life is hard and I'll pray for you as a family. Don't give up.

Sending you my love, Sandra.

Alice

Lulu said...

praying for you and your family Sandra..We all go through things in life and its never easy..Life is Hard...Never give up hope, never..
hugs for you and your little girl, may God put his hands on her and bring her out of the darkness...
hugs,

Kim James said...

Praying now.

countrywife02 said...

Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing from your heart. I appreciate your honesty and pointing us back to Him when things are rough. Thiis is just the reminder I needed to read this morning. I have prayed for you and your family. Praying that the Lord will help you through this difficult time and give you the strength you need. I will continue to pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind. (((Hugs)))

Christy said...

My heart is with you Sandra. It seems as though the Lord is preparing you for Him. Most definitely turn to Him. I know I have told you in my comments before, but we have been through a similar struggle with my oldest son. He too has anxiety (extreme) and depression. He is still on high doses of meds. I'd like to say that he is doing great now, but all I can say is he is doing okay. He may be doing better if he turned to God, but he has chosen to put Him aside at this time in his life. You will have a new normal.

It is so frustrating and heartbreaking as a parent to see your child suffer so much and not be able to cure it. But, I will tell you one thing that this experience has done for me. It has given me a big dose of COMPASSION. And that is something we need if we want to be like our Savior. Hang in there. He will give you peace, in spite of the turmoil around you. I have followed you for some years now and from what I know of you and your family from your blog, you will make it. Much love to you. I will pray for all of you and especially your sweet daughter.

Michelle-ozark crafter said...

Dearest friend, it is indeed an attack against you and your family. I will be praying with and for you and I am here if you need me! We all struggle in these ways, I do believe. Jack and I went thru a spell much like what you are going thru and even lived apart for a time. I was struggling after a nervous break down. It seemed when we returned to the Lord and were rebaptised the struggle became better but it took time.

Christal Lee Scholes said...

Don't give up, pray to him he will hear you, I'll pray for you sandra, I love your blog I've followed you for years! You will be missed if you quit your blog!! Love you with huge hugs, god bless!! Love n hugs christal

Carrie B. said...

Praying so hard for you now sweet Friend. And for our world! Don't give up hope. I think this is truly a problem everywhere. We, as a world, have gotten too in the habit of putting the wrong things in priority. We're about our own worldly THINGS and not about our relationship in Him. And I do believe Satan does thrive on that - and our world is suffering for it.

The wonderful thing is that you know Him dear Friend. He never turns His back and is just there waiting for you. So you have the right plan and I know you will get back on track. Let Him take over and be the priority again and you know you won't feel alone. You will have wings beneath your feet and your load will be lightened.

Please know I'm sending huge hugs of support and my prayers are raised up with yours. God please bless Sandra and her family through this difficult time and give her the strength and guidance to be near You. To listen to You and see the path open before her with fresh eyes and then give her the wisdom to help her family - through Your will - and in Jesus' name forever. Amen. xoxo

Wendi said...

You are right... life is hard! My niece, who will be 15 in January, has had a very rough time. Two years ago it started with a call from a school counselor and escalated with a found suicide note. Which was a saving grace as it made my sister open her eyes and admit my niece had issues that also included cutting. I share all of this to let you know that there is hope. L sees a counselor and takes medication. Two years later and she is in a much, much better place. She still struggles and unfortunately probably always will, but I can see that she is healing and learning how to deal with things.

I hate that it took the loss of Lola to bring you and Curt back to each other. :( I am happy to see that you the two of you are turning to each other instead of on each other.

I would suggest that you let your blog just sit if you need to. I wouldn't delete it as you would lose so much of your history. I say blog when you need to/want to and don't feel bad when you don't. As much I love to see the bits of pieces of your life I know that living that life is much more important. I think anyone that reads your blog, or any other blog, knows that no one has a perfect life. Some days are better then others, some years are better then others. :)

I will be praying for your family. Hang on and cling to Him!

Mrs. K. said...

His peace first appeared upon my salvation in 1977. I was in my mid-teens. Not from a Christian home or even in any church. Boy. Raising children? Cares of the world are not the same at 15 as they are in the 20's and beyond (grown-up world). The attacks on my marriage and children could have been a best-selling thriller at times. But God. Joel 2:25 The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you. The attacks were for many, many years. I will share this: the best thing believers could do: spend QUANTUM time off social media; perhaps 'fast' it. Hard? You betcha. It is because He so tenderly loves and you will not miss here if you are with Him more. Daughters now fiercely devoted to the Lord and in families of their own that do so as well. Our tears have been replaced. Our mourning turned to dancing.

Liz said...

I will continue to pray for you and your family. I'm so glad you've turned back to God. He brought you to it and He'll get you through it. Some day you will look back on this time in your life, and while you make not look back on the individual events with happiness, you will be glad because you made it through it and grew. Marriages are had and have ups and downs. Working through the downs is what brings you closer. Not when everything is just fine and dandy. Being a teenager is incredibly difficult, especially now, with social media, but I also think that Jasmine will be more prepared for her future than we all were, because of what all she's gone through already. Remember that while she may seem fragile at times, she still is that tough girl you've raised. She knows right from wrong, and how to fight for what she believes in. (I'm sure she's shown you that even though you probably didn't like it under the circumstances. lol) She will be just fine with her family by her side and both she and Nicholas will do great things.

Don't delete your blog!! Write in it when you feel inspired, let it sit when you don't. Don't force anything. Stay genuine to yourself, but don't erase the blog that you love to look back on as a virtual scrapbook full of memories, good times, bad times, milestones, moves, etc. I feel you'd regret it so much if you did delete it.

Sending you hugs, prayers, love and as much positive thoughts as I have. YOU WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS! Just leave it all in God's hands.

~Mrs.J~ said...

Oh my goodness!! Y'all have been through the wringer as my Memaw would say!!

I am praying sugar, for you, your husband and your children. I do believe that when we are under attack the best thing to do is hit our knees!!

I have been married for 23 years and been a housewife for all that time and I agree that there are seasons that will drop me to my knees crying out to the Lord, and He is always faithful!

Many prayers for y'all!!! ~Mrs. J~

Nikki W. (SAHMinIL) said...

I could have written this. I'm in the same post for so many other reasons, different from yours, but yet familiar. prayers.

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

Dearest Sandra ~ You are in God's tender care always. Sometimes we let what's going on in our lives and all around us take our focus from Him. Satan goes after those who want to live a life pleasing to God. The fact that you see your need of Jesus, is good. Your marriage is growing through thick and thin, love covers a multitude of sins and will grow stronger and make you better singly and as a couple.

Trust in God to take care of Jasmine. He knows her needs, each and every one. He is working in her life.

Love, hugs and prayers for all of you ~ FlowerLady

Renee said...

Sandra, you and your family are in my heart, my thoughts and prayers.

Amy George said...

Praying for you and your family, Sandra. Draw nigh to God and He will see you through!

Row. said...

Oh Sandra My heart goes out to you but I am SO glad to hear you are giving it all up to the Lord. the Struggles you were facing are the enemy attacking you-don't let him win. it's no wonder you are feeling defeated with all the things on your plate. Put god first and take it day by day. He will turn it all around. Take a break away from social media and focus on the family. Sending you Prayers and good thoughts.

Bev said...

I will pray...I understand your pain... I've been there...Your foundation is firm HE will see you through...though HE never promises it will be easy...'BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!" The thing I learned was to give up my problems...there is NOTHING I can do.... HE will do the work! I wore myself out trying to solve the problems...

Cheryl Battjes said...

So sorry for all the struggles. Some days it does just seem too much to bear. You're right to turn to the only one who can truly give peace and comfort. I saw on facebook that you've already received that confirmation :) Praying for continued peace.

Mary said...

One thing I learned after my husband passed away, my regrets were all the time I'd spent doing what I realized had been inconsequential, wishing I would have spent the time going fishing with him, or just sitting & talking or listening. What had been every day was now golden moments I wanted back. I'm grateful for you all that you've come together with renewed purpose & commitment to our Lord. God bless you all!

Dirt Road Primitives said...

Sandra my heart aches for you, I too have had many struggles in my life, still have bumpy roads from time to time, but know that you have many people you don't know personally, but know through your blog that care for you and your family......I pray you find your way back to happiness....stay strong, keep family close, and God closer.....if ever you need a friend to talk to, please anytime email me personally, I am always here.....I truly know the struggles of children, marriage, family, life......

Hugs and many prayers
Rhonda

Dawn said...

My summer has been so busy and I rarely have time to come on here to write or read other blogs. I'm a little behind so I thought I'd catch up this morning. I'm very sorry to hear about things. I am 37 years old but I have suffered with depression for a very long time and a few years ago started having anxiety issues. It was to the point where I couldn't even leave the house without having a panic attack. It was so strange and something I never went through before. I went to the doctor and was put on medicine and also went to therapy. I was taught a breathing technique and how to talk myself out of those attacks and it's helped so much. As for the depression I remember being a teenager and feeling so lost in the world and feeling like I didn't even want to go on. I felt constant sadness and had no desire for anything. My parents sent me to counseling but they couldn't understand why I was the way I was. It's nice that you are there for Jasmine and doing all you can for her but I know it's tough for you, as a mother, to know she's going through this. I will pray for her. I will pray for you and your family.