{ What has really been going on with me }

I've been feeling very unmotivated again, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  I prayed on it, over and over, asking God to enlighten me, to show me what is going on and why I feel this way.  It seems I've been feeling like this for a while.

But, I think I finally realized what is going on, with the help of God and my husband and children.  

 

See, this started last year around this time, when Marley first got sick.  I went months walking around like a zombie, taking my sweet boy back and forth from the Vet, trying to figure out what was wrong.  

Then he got diagnosed with Lymphoma and within a month he was gone.  It was all so quick, and yet so slow.  There were days that I felt the stress would never end, I couldn't think straight, I didn't know how to get past it, and just wanted it to end, not even realizing that once it did end, it would catapult me into a deep grief.  Yes, what I am dealing with is grief.  Pure and simple.

I don't think I ever really dealt with my feelings.  The first part of the year I was focused on *fixing* him, wasn't getting much sleep, wasn't eating properly, was exhausted mentally and physically, and then losing him was excruciating for me.  It still is.  I still can't think of him without crying and feeling a pain in my heart, like never before.

 

 

I hadn't quite realized just how deeply this had all affected me, until I tried to crochet after he passed, and I just couldn't do it.  He was my little shadow, he was always near me, always around when I was working on a new crochet project, and I guess I connected the two.  I've tried over and over to pick up my crochet hook, to start a new blanket, or work on an old unfinished one, and I just can't do it.

 

I even tried again last week, I grabbed my crochet bag, picked a few colors and was all set to sit and do the one thing that I have loved for so long.  Started, ripped it apart, started again, ripped it again.  Just could not feel it, and it started frustrating me, to the point I set it aside and have let it just be.  For now!

 

For some reason, I have not been able to get past Marley's death.  I haven't accepted it, I haven't move on, I haven't made peace with it, any of it.  It is strange in a way, because I've had so many dogs before, and I've lost so many too.  It's not that I didn't love my dogs, because I did, all of them and I felt their deaths deeply, but Marley?  There was something about him.

 

And that's probably why it's affected me so much.  So, I'm making myself face what happened, deal with it, as ugly and raw as it may feel.  I need to accept it, see it for what it is, and move on.  I haven't even able to get another dog, it just hasn't felt right for me.

 

But I'm giving myself time to really go through the process of grief, seeking help and hopefully bring a new sweet puppy into our family, by the end of the year.  I miss the companion of a dog, I just can't seem to do it quite yet. 

I'll get there, I'm sure, just as soon as I face it head on and stop living in denial.  I will say, having Elliott has been so good for me.  I had no clue I would ever all in love with a cat, but this sweet boy has become my shadow.  You know how they say cats pick their person?

I never believed that until Elliott.  He goes where I go, he has to be near me all the time, cuddles up against me, purrs and throws himself at my feet.  I love him so much!!!

As always God knew what I needed before I even did.  Thank you Lord!!!

 

I know that I will never get over it, that's normal,  we learn to live with it, but we don't forget.  Please just pray for me, that I am able to get through this process, to not hold back, to not shy away no matter how painful it gets.

I need to, so that I can get back to enjoying my life, and my blog, and all the things I've always loved doing.

In the meantime, I am trying to just live each day, whatever it brings.  

Whether it's enjoying watching the birds out in the yard, or new plants coming in from the ones I propagated, or just my usual homemaking, cleaning and cooking. 

The biggest thing I need to remember and keep in mind, is that we gave Marley a wonderful life.  He was so loved and so spoiled.  I wouldn't trade that for anything in this world, and if you ask me would I go through this all over again to have him here?  Absolutely, without even a second thought.  

He was that special.  

So I'll get there eventually, just have to be kind to myself and stop ignoring what happened.  

I'm sorry if this post was not my usual, but it's been weighing on my heart for a long time, and I felt I needed to get it written down and on the blog.  It's a part of my life, it's a part of my journey, and I want to be able to look back on it one day, and see where I was and how far I came.

I am looking forward to the day I come on, and share our newest family member, and know that I will be able to love him or her, just as much as I loved Marley.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thank you.  Thank you for sitting and reading and letting me vent a little.  As I said above, I would really appreciate your prayers.

I'll leave you now with a picture of my sweetest boy.  Gosh how I miss him ♥