May brings sad memories for me!

Image credit: Allposters

You know how there are some people that have a certain month they don't like? Maybe it's because they think they have no luck during that month or it reminds them of a sad moment in time?

For me it's the latter, it's the fact that since May of 2001, I have held this immense sadness inside me, this photographic memory of a certain place and time in my life when I lay in bed, crying in physical and emotional pain, begging God for an answer, a reason to why I was suffering.

Just a few weeks prior, at the end of April 2001, I had gotten confirmation of the one of the happiest moments in my life, I remember sitting in the bathroom with that pregnancy test and smiling, a huge grin spread across my face. I literally jumped for joy, this was it, this was our second child, it was just perfect, Jasmine was two years old and I thought the difference in age was just right.

But things weren't meant to be. I didn't know it at the time, but in just a few weeks I would be back in that same bathroom, sitting on that same toilet in shock, watching almost in an out of body experience like, as I lost that baby.

The pain that rips through you is unimaginable, it's nothing I could ever sit down and describe, I cried and I lashed out at God at first, I was so frustrated, why me? Why did this happen? I had done everything right but yet it didn't seem to work and I found myself blaming my body, after all I was supposed to have kept my child safe but I didn't. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming, no matter how many times the doctor said "It's not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it".

The worst part was the looks when people found out, or the unfeeling words from those that didn't quite know what to say but yet felt compelled to offer some kind of advice. But when you're going through a miscarriage, the LAST thing you want to hear is "it's for the best"....or "it just wasn't meant to be".

I used to sit there, bite my tongue and think "what the heck do you know about me and what is best or not?". It was the grief speaking, I was so blinded by it that I had no patience whatsoever for anyone.

I remember the first month I walked around in a fog, I cried every time I went to the bathroom, every time I wiped it was a reminder that I was wiping away what could have been. I would never get to hold this baby in my arms, to see him/her take their first steps, go to kindergarten, smile and laugh and call me mommy. That hurt, it still does to this day.

May just does that for me, I may be having the best of time, but when this month rolls around, the memories come flooding back and they hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially around Memorial Day, the day it happened. You learn to deal with it, but you never forget.

I didn't stay mad at God for too long, a few days at most before I quickly changed my tune and knew that I would never get through it without Him. So instead of turning away, I turned towards Him......I clutched my hand in His so tightly and let Him lead me through it.

I just knew deep inside that I would get pregnant again and have a perfectly beautiful and healthy baby, but little did I know that I would have to endure another miscarriage just a month later.

When it first happened again, I was in utter shock and the fact that it wasn't an easy straight forward miscarriage, just added to the pain. There was a D&C and ultrasounds and weekly blood tests and even a Methotraxate shot.....yes chemo.

So yes, May became that month for me.

Nowadays as painful as the memories are, I have to remind myself that I did lose two beautiful babies who are now in heaven, but if I had one or both, would my sweet handsome Nicholas be here? Things happen for a reason, I know that, obviously at the time I didn't want to hear it, all I wanted was for people to just support me and if they didn't know how to react or what to say, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss, will be praying for you" would have sufficed.

I'm not sure why I was led to write this post today, other than the fact that I'm feeling sad I felt a strong need to put it on the blog. Maybe it will help someone out there going through a miscarriage, maybe it will bring some comfort to someone, I don't know.

I do know that there are many women out there who have suffered miscarriages and my heart goes out to every single one of them, I only wish that when I went through it, I had blogging in my life, it may have helped a lot.

Slow Cooking Thursday

Don't forget to add your name to Mr Linky and a link back to your SCT post so others can come by and see your recipe too.

As always, share your slow cooking recipes but if you REALLY REALLY don't have one and still want to participate, then you can share any kind of recipe.

Red Wine & Rosemary Pot Roast

3-lb boneless pot roast
¾-tsp salt
¾-tsp pepper
2-tbsp vegetable oil
3-cloves garlic, minced
4-onions, quartered
1-cup beef stock
1-cup tomato juice
1-cup dry red wine
2-tsp crumbled dried rosemary
3-tbsp all-purpose flour
2-tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Sprinkle beef with salt & pepper
In a large Dutch oven, heat oil medium-high heat
Brown meat all over and transfer to plate
Drain fat from pot
Fry garlic and onions over medium heat stirring occasionally until soft, about 4 minutes
Add stock, tomato juice, wine and rosemary, stirring and scraping up brown bits from bottom
Pour into slow cooker
Add beef to slow cooker
Cover and cook on low for 10 hours until meat is tender
Transfer meat to cutting board and tent with foil; let stand 10 minutes
Thinly slice the beef across the grain and arrange on a platter
Cover and keep warm
Meanwhile, whisk flour with ¼-cup water
Whisk into slow cooker
Cover and cook on high for 15 minutes or until thickened
Stir in parsley
Serve with beef

Makes 8 servings

Reading and Relaxing!

The past few days I've been trying to catch up on reading, I go through phases where I either read constantly, every day, a few books at a time....or.....I don't read for months on end.

That's where I'm at right now, in that in between stage where I'm craving a good book and the smell of the pages (please tell me you smell books too or I'll forever feel like a freak of some kind). So that's what I'm doing, I am still enjoying the pioneer books but I also have two others that I need to review.

One of them is the new Double Daring Book for Girls, I'll have a post up next week and I'm going to throw down the gauntlet, I'll be challenging some of you to join me and play along, trying this or that project from the book. Oh don't worry, it won't be anything that out there or impossible to do....maybe I'll make you tie a sarong and take a pic to share with the blogging community. LOL Only NOT!

I've also realized that I've had the same Netflix movies sitting on my DVD player for the past, oh, month at least? Thank God for no late fees, but I guess I should get around to watching them, maybe tonight after American Idol.

And can I just say while on that subject, that maybe I'm the odd ball around but I can't stand Adam? I think he's a great performer for the Theatre or Broadway but I just can't take the screeching he does. It's a little too much. Feel free to throw tomatoes at me, I know most of America thinks he's amazing, along with some of the judges who coddle him so much it's nauseating. LOL

Now that I got that off my chest, I think I'll go back to my books, but before I leave I want you to tell me what book you're reading right now or just finished, tell me which one I absolutely need to read this summer.

And if there's an author that you think I will enjoy, let me know, I'm trying to make a list for my Summer Reading.

Well Hello there.....

Come on in out of the sun, it's a scorcher out there. Of course that's for us folks here in Arizona, I'm not sure how the weather is going for you all in the other states, but here? Goodness gracious, I'm already hating stepping outside the door.

So anyway, it's Monday afternoon and here soon I'll have to start fixing dinner, but I thought I would stop in first and do a little post on this ol' blog of mine. I feel like lately I've been sorta, kinda, maybe neglecting it a bit, not intentionally, mind you, but life has just been happening around me and I have to attend to it.

I mentioned earlier in my Happy Homemaker Monday post that there's sickies in the house again, but it's actually not that bad. Curt got sick with a cold for about a day or two but he's fine now...Jasmine just has an ear infection, which is so weird because if you remember correctly, 3 weeks ago she had one in her left ear and strep throat. Now it's her right ear....oh and let me tell you something, when the doctor says "come here let me show you", just think twice.

I am all for being educated and learning new things and I'm glad I did look into her ear because it's absolutely fascinating to me, but in another way I thought, gross, with a capital G.
I wonder if it's easier just not knowing what our insides look like, I mean...really?!?!?!

It started yesterday afternoon with her saying she couldn't hear out of that ear, she could hear her heart beating through it and it felt blocked like when you're on an airplane. By this morning she continued complaining and as much as I don't want to be that mom that runs to the doctor for every little thing, I don't like playing with ears and infections, those can become quite serious if not taken care of.....after seeing what it looks like, boy am I glad I took her in.

The doctor prescribed Amoxicillin but told me to hold off on it for two days, to use just the drops he's giving me and the motrin and see if it clears up on it's own, if it doesn't then start her on the antibiotics. We both feel it's better not to just give her another dose of antibiotics seeing as she was just on some 3 weeks ago, UNLESS, absolutely necessary.

She's doing fine though, unfortunately, we had to walk to pick up Nicholas from school and being outside just hurt her ear, she's in bed now trying to get some rest and complaining of ear ache, poor kid. Bring on the summer already, we're sick of this.

Now the weekend....oh the weekend, where to begin. Maybe with the fact that it was not exactly how we had planned it. See in the Air Force if a Jet breaks down, it has to get fixed...THAT day, come rain or shine, snow or a tornado, whether it's flying or not, weekend or week day, Mother's Day or other special day.....so it went. The kids were beyond frustrated because Curt works swing shift which like I've talked about before, he goes in at around 2pm and doesn't get home until late, very late, sometimes 2 or 3 am, which means the only time he sees the kids is on the weekends.

Well when the weekend rolled around, he was stuck at work for 13 hours on Saturday and 12 hours on Sunday, fixing Jets. My first reaction on Sunday was to get really irritated, I thought "you have to be kidding me, it's Mother's Day" but then I had to remind myself that this is Par for the Course.

Curt woke up extra early yesterday, made me a wonderful breakfast and I had all these sweet gifts waiting for me on the kitchen table. It was his way of making it up for me somehow for the fact that he wouldn't be here. He's such a wonderful husband.

Let me show you how well my family knows me, and before I do, let me just say, I don't like expensive gifts and jewelry and such, I'm extremely easy to buy for and everytime I get gifts from my family, I'm reminded of how well they know me.

Am I the only one who could spend hours playing The Sims? *snicker* I don't know if it's the fact that I can make a family and decorate a home and play them, it's the whole housekeeping thing in me, I can have veggie gardens and beautiful flowers LOL

And he got me Kahlua, for my Kahlua Don Pedro's....some vanilla ice cream, a little bit of milk, a shot of Kahlua and mix it all up in the blender. YUM!

My kids, they know my love for chocolate AND coffee....and not just any coffee but the Godiva Creme Brulee. Yum is not even enough to describe it, you have to try it.

Some of the cards from the kids, they are so sweet :)

This just cracked me up, I couldn't stop laughing. I had this gift from the Pugs....yes from the Pugs and the card was the funniest thing ever.....and of course some Calgon bath products.

Beautiful flowers.....

And lastly, yesterday afternoon, the kids and I stepped out into the front yard for a few minutes, just to get some fresh air and enjoy the afternoon breeze.

This little cat is constantly around the houses here in the neighborhood, I'm not sure if it belongs to someone or if it's a stray and truth be told I'm not going near it. I'm allergic to cats to the point where the cat came up to me and just rubbed itself on my leg and that was enough to make my nose start itching and my eyes watering.....look, I'm not a cat person but I can admire a pretty animal, so I grabbed the camera and just snapped some pics. From a distance LOL

So there you go, a peek at my exciting life. Oh and I almost forgot *snicker.

My car has decided to not even start for me, so until this coming weekend when we plan on getting it fixed (because Curt was stuck at work, therefore not getting to my car), I am driving the kids to school in Curt's big ole truck and walking in the afternoon's. You should see me coming down the street in that huge thing LOL

It's like driving a bus, good grief.

Alright, I have to get on out of here, I'm supposed to be making Salisbury Steak for dinner, but the kids have requested Grilled Cheese and Ham sandwiches with Zestie Cheesy Fries....so that's what we're having.

Have yourselves a wonderful Monday, stay out of the sun, stay in from the cold and I'll see you back here tomorrow.

Happy Homemaker Monday!

On my bedside table:
Knit Two
Two books for reviewing on the blog


On my TV:
Dancing with the Stars
Paranormal State


On the menu for tonight:
Salisbury Steak, Salad


On my To Do List:
Take Jasmine to the doctor this morning, she's complaining of ear ache
Iron 3 loads of laundry and put away



New Recipe I tried last week:
No new recipe, just revisited an old favorite..... Ham and Cheese Chicken Rolls


In the craft basket:
Summer Skirts


Looking forward to:
Summer break in less than two weeks.....can't wait.


Homemaking Tip for this week:
When the kids come home from school, I immediately go through their backpacks, throw out any junk, put aside what is to keep, and sign any letters or notes that need to be returned. I pack Nicholas' snack and his folder back into the backpack and set both backpacks near the front door.
Saves a lot of time when we're running around in the morning.


Favorite Blog Post of the week (mine or other):
I loved my mother's hands by 4 Reluctant Entertainers...what a sweet post.


Favorite photo from last week:

Lesson learned the past few days:
That even with all the sanitizing and disinfecting I've done lately, there will still be sickies. Curt caught whatever we had and is sick with a cold, and somehow Jasmine is complaining of an ear ache and is off to the doctor this morning.

I think the biggest lesson for me has been to let go, do my part and then just go with the flow when things happen and not make a big stink about the fact that I can't control who gets sick and who feels this or that.


On my Prayer List:
My family
Troops


Devotionals, Scripture Reading, Key Verses:

“For where two or three have gathered together in My name,
I am there in their midst.” Matthew 18:20 (NAS)

I love these faces!

There is something so sweet about the look of concentration on little one's faces.

You can never really figure out what they're thinking about.....





The joy of feeling well. The happiness of being outside in the fresh air....

of walking around with umbrellas shaded from the hot Arizona sun....

And the sidewalk chalk waiting on the picnic table, ready to decorate the patio.

It's what spring lazy days are all about, isn't it?

Slow Cooking Thursday

I'm having a really hard time with the linkies today, I don't know what is going on.....just add your links to the comments and I'll post them on here. Sorry ladies!



Don't forget to add your name to Mr Linky and a link back to your SCT post so others can come by and see your recipe too.

As always, share your slow cooking recipes but if you REALLY REALLY don't have one and still want to participate, then you can share any kind of recipe.

Image credit: Gather.com

CHICKEN SOUP

Ingredients:
1 lb chicken breasts, skinless & boneless
12 cups water
One onion, chopped
1/4 tsp pepper
Any leftover rice, pasta or potatoes from the fridge. If none of these are availble add 1/2 c instant rice.
Any little bits of veggies leftover in fridge or freezer.
Celery (optional)
Salt to taste (I use about 1/2 tsp)

How to make this recipe:
Cut the chicken breasts in one inch cubes. Place all ingredients in slow cooker.

Cook on low 5 to 6 hours. Notes: This makes quite a lot for my family (of 4). I usually freeze half for another time.

Serves 8 - 12



MJ - Portuguese Stew
Mari - Maui Chicken
Kim - Marinated Chicken Tenders
Renee - Spring Veggie and Chicken Stew
Newlyweds - Crockpot Pinto Beans
Blessings Beyond - Chicken Tacos
Sherry - Hirino Psito Slow Roasted Pork
Lisa - Crockpot Chicken Stroganoff
Cassandra - Meatballs with Mushroom Gravy
Lori - Barbecue Pork

She was the most influential woman in my life!

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that I've talked many times about the most influential and pivotal woman in my upbringing. My greatgrandmother Ema. Without a doubt, this woman was one of the most important in my life, apart from my mother and my stepmother and grandmothers, my greatgrandmother Ema was around me most of my life, she was there during the scariest and happiest times.

I would sit for hours at the kitchen table, with a cookie in hand and a cup of tea with milk, listening to her voice. This soft, sweet and sometimes demanding and strict tone, but for the most part, I sat there entranced by her stories, the things she had been through which were for me not only interesting but sad. I felt immense sadness listening to her talk about her mom passing away when she was just 4 years old, how she became the woman of the house, cooking and cleaning and taking care of her father, setting the table and sitting down to dinner with her own glass of wine when she was merely 8 or 9 years old.

See nowadays we look at that and think "are you kidding me? I wouldn't give my child a glass of wine" but for some reason, it seemed to be acceptable back then. It stuck with her, she drank that glass of wine for lunch and dinner EVERY.SINGLE.DAY of her life until the day she died.

The reason I'm talking about her again is because while speaking with Jasmine yesterday about my childhood and the family, it struck me again just how blessed and lucky I was to have such a woman in my life. To know that from the moment I was a wee little one, she had such a positive impact on who I am today.

She didn't sugar coat things, you won't ever hear me say that at any point in time, she glossed over life and marriage and having children. Far too many times she flat out said "it's not easy, it's life" and I thought to myself, well that doesn't make me really look forward to anything. But just as quick she would smile and she would go on about how much she loved her husband, my greatgrandfather.

She was but 16 years old when they got married and he, a strapping handsome 29 year old. I think for her she saw a way out of the life she was living. This was a girl who lost her mother at 4 years old.....came home from school at 13 years of age, walked into the kitchen, and found her father dead. He had hung himself....and if that in itself wasn't traumatic enough for her, she lost her older brother to a fishing accident, where he got struck by lightning. I mean this could all be part of a movie or book but it's not, it's real life and the fact that she survived all this just shows what a strong woman she was.

We used to talk about marriage and motherhood, what it entailed, what it would be like and what was expected of me as a wife and mother. It's all things that nowadays I tend to think about and wonder if I'm giving my daughter the right advice, the right idea about life without making it all seem peaches and cream or really hard to deal with.

So I guess to me the best thing is to do what my Greatgrandmother did for me, tell me the truth, not lie about anything and answer all my questions as fairly and truthfully as she could, even on those subjects that would be taboo. I still remember the day she tried to tell me about her wedding night, she described it as "I was so nervous, I was shaking, the bed was shaking and nothing was happening...YET". Hahahahahahah

She talked about modesty and romance and mother duties and how to clean a home, when to have dinner ready for your husband and what pots and pans are best for cooking this or that. Stuff that maybe at the time I thought was completely unneeded by me, I mean I was young, what did these things matter when right after we were done chatting I would go back to playing with my dolls or painting pictures and waited for the dinner call, which I didn't have to prepare.

But I am so glad I kept all that information tucked away inside me, there are so many days that I go back and remember some advice she gave on how to clean something or home remedy and apply it to my daily life. Tried and True Advice from this amazing little lady who lived such a full life surrounded by family. She never stopped smiling and she never stopped working, she puttered around the kitchen with her walker until her last days, she cooked, she cleaned, she gave out orders from the table, she asked for specific meals or a little favorite snack.

She had her rituals, she had to have wine with lunch and dinner, she had to have tea with milk and toast for breakfast but coffee on Sunday's.....she always had a banana or something else after her meals, usually Saltine crackers, and she always used butter, pure, yummy butter, no such thing as margarine on her bread.

And you know what? I soaked all that in, all of it, even things I thought I had forgotten, I go back to and remember and I'm so thankful for that, my only wish if I could change anything, is that she would be here today, so that I could call her on the phone and ask a question or advice or even just laugh about a mishap I had or something I did at home that was dumb.

I am going to try my best to be that woman for my daughter, to be the pillar of strength and information that she will carry with her for the rest of her life, the kind of things she'll pass on to her own children. I don't think I'll ever be able to match the unbelievable, amazing woman that my Greatgrandmother was, but I'm sure I can do her proud.

So I want you to take a moment and think about who that woman was for you, who was the most influential woman in your life and tell me a little about her, I want to honor them all, the mothers and stepmothers, grandmothers and greatgrandmothers or maybe it was an aunt or a sister, let's give them the praise they deserve.

Getting out of the funk!

All the sickies around here have had us in a funk, well me especially, I just didn't have the energy or patience to do things I normally love.....like cooking and baking and stepping outside to enjoy the fresh air.

It felt like we were playing a game of musical chairs with the flu, but thankfully it seems to be dissipating and we're all starting to feel like ourselves. To me, it means grabbing the camera and snapping some pictures and being back in the kitchen where I feel most relaxed.

I had 3 overly ripe bananas sitting on the counter, so I whipped up a delicious Banana Bread. Smells heavenly in here!

I went outside this afternoon and found this. We've had some pretty strong winds here lately and they seem to knock all the lemons off the tree and other than the fact that some hit the ground and become a little mushy......I actually don't mind the wind's help, makes picking lemons even easier :)

I don't know where the little one went, but I found this broken egg shell in my front yard and just had to smile, isn't it just the cutest little thing?

So life goes on here, we're having some stuff to deal with when it comes to future plans and immediate plans. The main thing is that we do NOT like Arizona, we've pretty much been sick constantly since moving here and we've also had some issues with the public schools.

It comes down to whether we can handle it all for another year or two, or we make plans to have me and the children return to Idaho while Curt finishes out his career here. It's hard, extremely hard to make a decision of this magnitude, so we'll see how things go.

Other than that, we're counting down the days until Summer break, I think the kids and I are both ready to call it quits for a few months and just relax, get up late, stay up late, enjoy the summer days of nothing planned and just doing whatever strikes our fancy.

I keep reminding them and myself that we only have 16 days left. WooWee, can't wait!

Well the dinner dishes are calling my name, then it's baths and homework and all that fun stuff before we can sit down on my bed and watch American Idol.

I hope you're all having a wonderful Tuesday. I'll see you back here tomorrow morning for my "wanna try" post.

Happy Homemaker Monday

On my bedside table:
Knit Two
Pioneer Sampler
Bunch of Pioneer Books
Two books for reviewing on the blog


On my TV:
Five Mile Creek Season 1 (STILL...it's taking me forever)
Paranormal State


On the menu for tonight:
Shrimp Egg Rolls, Salad


On my To Do List:
Laundry, Sweeping and Mopping.....
Post office to FINALLY mail off Crystal's crochet goodies (with all the sickness around here I haven't had a chance, sorry Crystal)


New Recipe I tried last week:
Nothing new


In the craft basket:
Nothing, I need to get something going


Looking forward to:
Both kids back at school today, but only for another two weeks before school is OVER. Thank goodness. Looking forward to our trip to Texas in June and seeing family.


Homemaking Tip for this week:
When frying something, you get left with all that oil. If it's still clean, you can reuse it for the next time you need to fry something else, but if it's to be thrown out.....don't just dump it into the kitchen sink, it will clog it up.
Let it cool down in the pan, then pour it into a ziplog bag, then dispose of it in the trash.


Favorite Blog Post of the week (mine or other):
Haven't been reading blogs, hope to do that today.


Favorite photo from last week:

Lesson learned the past few days:
You can never use enough sanitizer, especially nowadays. I keep bottles everywhere in the house and even in my purse.


On my Prayer List:
My family - praying that we're done with all the sickies around here


Devotionals, Scripture Reading, Key Verses:

Proverbs 15:22-24(KJV):
22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.
23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
24 The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath.