Yet for some unknown reason I still question and wonder and get frustrated and sometimes I downright demand answers from Him, as if I think I deserve anything with the attitude.
See it's always been a struggle for me, the whole control issue has been exhausted in my life and even on my blog, I've mentioned it quite a bit so you would think by this point in time I would be a pro, an expert at dealing with the Lord, a know it all and been through it all. Quite wrong actually, so this is why I'm writing this post today, in the hopes that others out there will share with me, and you, their personal experiences in a way to maybe get some insight and learn a lesson or two.
When Jasmine got sick again on Saturday I didn't think much of it, kids get sick all the time. Ok, MY kids seem to get sick all the time, but that's neither here nor there, the point is that I didn't really worry about it, until monday morning when the fever kept getting higher and she kept getting weaker and more miserable etc.
Then I stopped, and during my prayers, asked the Lord to please take the fever away, to make her better, to step in and heal her. Then I sat back with a stupid grin on my face and thanked Him for doing it.
Again, it's the control thing and the ignorance on my part, because no matter how many times I've heard the saying "all in His time" I still tend to think I have some special line to Him, that He will put everything and everyone else aside for my problems and issues. How ridiculously unfair and quite pathetic on my part....but you know, I'm human and I err and continually stumble and mess up. This is why I love my blog, because on here I can be ME, the real me, without hiding behind a facade or pretending to be something I'm not.
By Monday afternoon I began feeling extremely irritable, I couldn't understand why such a simple request for my child to be better, was not being answered. The truth is that it WAS, I was just too blinded by my need to have things done on MY time that I wasn't seeing anything else.
When Curt and I had to take her to Urgent Care yesterday I was beyond annoyed. Yes, I get annoyed at the Lord and anyone who says they don't, is lying....with me it doesn't last for long but there's that split second where I think "Come on, why are You not answering my prayers?"
I sat there with my little girl running a fever of 103.4, out of it, extremely sick and as I look down at her I felt helpless, like I had never felt in my entire life. That overpowering feeling of knowing that you've done everything you can but yet it's not enough, it's not up to you anymore. That's when I had that brief meltdown and inwardly told the Lord that I was really upset with Him.
But after being to the doctor, getting the antibiotics, coming home and now watching my girl starting to get better, it suddenly hit me.
He didn't ignore my prayers, Yes, he didn't take away the fever and make her all better when I asked him, but it doesn't mean He wasn't at work. He was. The proof is in the fact that any other time I would have kept doing what I was doing, giving the Motrin and doing the washcloths and the baths and the fluids and hoped that she would feel better. But I didn't, I scooped her up and took her to Urgent Care all the time questioning the Lord, wondering why I was having to go this far when it was nothing more than a cold.
Now I look back and think "You were right, You couldn't take the fever away on monday and just make it all go away, because she needed the antibiotics, she needed to have a doctor look at her and see that her ear is red and her throat is red and she's really sick".
And once again I was hit with the reality of it all. STOP trying to control things, STOP trying to tell the Lord what His timeline should be. Let go and Let God! So simple but yet so so hard for me to grasp. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever quite get it, I would like to think that one day I will but for now.....not quite there yet. Still stumbling, still learning.
What about you? I want to know if at any time you asked for something from the Lord and got irritated that it wasn't done when you wanted it, only to have it come to fruition at a later date and making you realize that it was for the best. That it really wouldn't have been the same or good if it had happened when you asked.
Won't you share with us?
23 comments:
Oh my yes, I struggled with inferitiliy issues for years! I would cry and beg the Lord to give me a baby. What would he do? He would say "okay, you will get your answer, just wait" I would wait a little while then cry and beg again. What we he do? He would say "Okay, you will get your baby, just wait" This would happen over and over. He even told me I was going to get my prayers answered how I wanted but I still grew impatient. I am grateful we have a Lord who is patient with us. Even more, I am thankful that He loves us and does answer our prayers in His time! Now I have my beautiful twins and life is great!
Great post Sandra! One thing that comes to mind for me was when we were trying to get pregnant for our second. We had decided that we wanted them 2 years apart. Well - I wasn't getting pregnant right away like I did the first time. I ws getting really upset with God for not answering my prayer the way I wanted Him to. It took over a year of trying - Heather was born when Laura was 3 years and 3 months. I soon realized that it was a nice amount of time between them and of course if I had gotten pregnant earlier - we wouldn't have Heather! I do think God has a sense of humor though, because Andy was born 2 years after Heather, and this time we weren't even trying! So, although I keep forgetting this, I'm reminded that God knows best and his ways are better than ours~!
Oooooh IS so in control isn't He??!!!
Thanks for this reminder today.... I have been trying to think of just one story or example of prayer being answered in a way that I hadn't expected it to.. and I can come with SOOOOOO many! LOL!!
One of the greatest things I have learned this year is that God is sovereign... He can do what He wills... in whatever way He wants.... and that is waaaay scary to me... but the one thing that I can count on is...
HIS HEART.... His Heart Is GOOD!
And tho He might seem wild at times... and we all know what that means... unpredictable..sovereign.. not controllable.... He is GOOD.... and that will NEVER change.
That brings my heart such peace... tho circumstances don't turn out the way I think they should, I can rest and know that my Father is good... and His heart and plans for my children, my family, myself are good.
I hope that makes sense...
I so understand what you mean tho!...ugh.. o do I!
Now you've really opened a can of worms! LOL! My boys...this is my thorn...even Little Package is a thorn. Let me explain. All 3 of my boys have been involved in drugs...but even before the drugs..when they were in middle school I could see them continously making poor choices. It is a longggg story. Danny and my boy's real mother have drug problems. Danny has been clean over 20 years, their real mom, it is amazing she is even alive but still has a serious drug problem. The thing I struggle with, FREE WILL! God gave my boys a free will, it is their choice to live like they do. I remember pitching a serious fit in my bedroom one time b/c of what God was allowing my oldest son to get into. I stopped my fellowship with God that day for a long time. I dont have answered prayers yet for any of my boys, and now my granddaughter has been brought into this world and she is frequently in environments that scare me. But I am able to trust God with her more than I am with my boys becasue she doesnt have a free will yet. I can trust God that He will take care of her, I can trust God that He will take care of my husband's health, that HE will take care of you & your daughter's concerns. It is easier for me to pray for you than my own boys...becasue of free will. What I am saying is I struggle every moment of my life with the fear that my boys will die not knowing my Savior b/c of their free will, their choice to pick things of this world over an eternal life with HIM. So I fight with God about it all the time. I know HE loves my boys more than me. I know that every breath they take is another opportunity that they may decide to change, to have a life with God. Yes it is all about control. I am a fixer, I want to fix my boys yesterday! I guess in all of this mess God is going to get me to give up my control. In the mean time...I will fuss at HIM, I will love HIM, get angry at HIM, praise HIM, tell HIM I'm threw with HIM, and then beg HIM to listen to me...HE knows me..HE loves me and my boys..and my Little Package...I will wait, (cause I have no choice) for HIM to answer my prayers...and then HE will remind me of this comment I made on your blog!! LOL I dont know how this could be encouragment for you, I guess it is just for me...with no rhyme or reason to it but these are the worms that came out of the can that you opened!! LOL Love ya Sandra! Thank you!
aw man.... i had a struggle with this right after i had our first, i went into heart failure.... oh boy it was something else, i'll tell you what, and me? new mom? HEART FAILURE?!?! NOT FAIR! but you knwo what... the 'if he brings you to it, he'll bring you through it' and 'let go and let God' were probably said to me a thousand times, but until i wanted to hear them, they just DID NOT SINK IN. and then again lately... we're looking for a house, put in some offers, and im sitting here like, "Lord, can't we just have a house, really cheap, PLEASE?!?" and you know what... he has his plan. and i'm sitting here waiting for a house to fall into my lap.... i gotta work for it! normally i try to, like you said, be incharge- and it is a control issue- but this time i've given it to him to the point of expecting magic, if you will- hey, i gotta do something to! God can't use me when i'm doing nothing! so i now am pursuing houses, out of my comfort zone, and really looking... aw man its a vicious cycle, i tell ya... i know you will get through it though... :) i just adore your blogs i hope you know! i comment a lot but never get comments back, but just keeping up your 2 (or is it 3?) blogs has got to take up so much time! love to see others out there with the same issues i'm struggling with... :) love in christ, manda
oh, i didn't mean to make you feel guilty! and i totally understand not having time- i just wanted you to know how much i appreciate you! all your recipes, your cheesy meatloaf is a favorite in our house now, and all kidns of other stuff i've tried from you! its just great to have others we can identify with! :) and know we're not the only one wishing we knew what the good Lord was THINKING! lol.
Though I pray every single day and have often been known to ask (and beg!) God for answers, guidance, healing, etc. I am also a big believer in the gift of FREE WILL that God has given us. I tend to view your instance with Jasmine as using that blessing of Free Will. Maybe also answered prayers, but I feel it was more God leading you to know that a different course needed to be taken. Many times my opinion and belief about free will is not popular, but it is clearly discussed and lifted up in the Bible as a viable gift of grace from the Lord. A more simple example would be that you do not let your kids play in the street while praying to God to not let them get hit by a car. Rather, he's given you the gift of free will to discern that playing in the street is not safe.
I have been there many times. The time that stands out the most to me is my struggle to become a mom. I went through fertility treatments and my prayer to have a baby wasn't answered. Then adoption entered the picture. The wait for China was 6 months when we started the process. It keep getting longer and ended up taking 17 months to bring our Megan home.
I have come to understand that God does answer prays, just maybe not the way we thought we wanted them answered. With that said I still have moments when I am frustrated that things aren't happening my way or soon enough.
Have a great day!
That was so true and amazing! I am sorry your daughter is sick, but glad that you are getting the meds she needs. You have a wonderful blog(s).
I am 29 and just starting my journey with the lord. It is wonderful thus far. Yes, it is hard but worth it!
Sandra:
Reading your post was hard but reading all the comments brought me to tears. We are a community and as I said we bloggers are so alike. We have some common thread that makes blogging attractive and fulfilling to each of us and I really see this here today.
I so want to be in charge. I too get angry when I don't get my answers from the Lord quick enough. I tend to stumble through life and then think to pray and ask Him to fix the mess. I get scared as I get older that I am going to run out of time before I get my act together when I should be working hard on getting my relationship with Jesus together. Great post.
Roberta Anne
Yep, I can relate to this one too...I am a bona fide CONTROL FREAK!!! And God seems to continuously put situations in my life that I CAN NOT control. One is, like some of the others mentioned, conception...I struggled with infertility too & still secretly long for one more child (I miscarried our last baby)...but GOD's timing is best. He gently pries my fingers off the situations I want to control but can't. I cry & rebel sometimes - but eventually find that just yielding to His will brings so much relief from the STRESS of control-freaking. I blog a lot about my own journey with control-issues about all aspects of my life - and am slowly learning God does answer all prayers: sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes just wait. He never fails & He's never surprised by the outcome of something! :)
Oh Sandra you are sooo not the only one, as we can all see.
My mum and dad were pastors for years and years and lived on nothing for years and years struggling to make it through each week. I had to watch and help them out with money all the time and often I got sooo mad at God wondering why he wasn't blessing them or providing them with simple needs or telling them to quit the ministry.
But it was in his time that all of the above would happen and he is still working on it.
If you could hear my calls to God I am sure they would be full of selfishness and anger at times.
Boy, you have opened up a Pandora's box. As so many of these comments have said, the hardest part is when you see something bad happening and you pray for it to get better, sometimes for years, and nothing appears to get better. It's really hard....
I understand so well how you felt. I feel exactly the same. I know that God is in control, and not me, that He has His timing and that His will is the best, even if I don't understand it. But even knowing and believing this, when it comes to my life, it's hard to live by that. I don't understand why I've always wanted to have many children and have only one (ok, I know many women cannot have children at all), I don't understand a lot of things but I'm learning to ask for God's will to be done, instead of mine. But when it comes to health issues, and especially with my daughter (and right now she's in bed, with a terrible headache!), I want God to heal her in the exact moment I ask Him. And when that doesn't happen (and it usually doesn't), I get angry. It's not easy, but as the Bible says, I press on toward the goal.
I constantly have to remind myself that "No" and "Wait" are answers too! LOL!
Thank goodness he knows what is best for us! I'd have it all messed up with my demands!
Wow Sandra- you're right- we were on the same wave length today weren't we!
I just have to remember the lesson I learned about trusting that God can handle it much better than me WHILE I'm in the next valley!
So glad Jasmine is doing better.
Wow Sandra. I just read your post and then had to read all the comments ... what an amazing discussion you have started. Does it make you feel better to know that you are not the only one ? That there is a whole world out there of people who struggle with the same thing ? It makes me feel better !! :)
You know, I'm glad that God is who He is. Who else would be so patient with us when we get like this ?
The past couple of weeks have been like that for me. I've had to let go and let God. I keep remembering the verse "My Grace is Sufficient for Thee!"
Just stopping by to let you know of a forum that is for Christian parents...I follow your blog and thought you may be interested. It is http://www.christianparentsforum.com/forums/index.php
There have been times when I was really angry at God. For instance when my dad passed away, I so angry at God for taking my dad away. Then I started to get mad at my dad for giving up and leaving me. God has placed it in heart that my dad didn't give up, he is still living in my heart. I just have to quiet my mind and listen. I believe he is truly right. There have been other times I was mad at God but he put in my heart to forgive him and I eventually did.
I agree that he will answer our prayers in his time, I too have to remind myself that his time isn't necessarily my time.
I hope Jasmine continues to feel better. *hugs*
I think this is something many of us struggle with as you can see by all the lengthy comments. I have to sometimes laugh at myself, like I can really bully God. That's what I call it, I feel like I am trying to get him to do what I want, not just pray and ask. This was a great post and a good one to contemplate.
Catherine Marshall has a book called Adventures in Prayer where she talks about the very thing you are dealing with. It's a wonderful collection of stories about her struggles with God's will and His time line.
Oh lol, so many times.
The funniest was when I commanded my tumble dryer in the name of the Lord to start working...it didn't, but it gives me a good laugh now to remember it.
God loves you Sandra, and one day we'll see clearly, in this world we will have trouble, but be of good cheer for He has overcome the world. Everything is safe in His hands, trust in His way and all will be well.
Love and hugs
xxxxx
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