So overwhelmed right now.....

I feel as if I'm on this roller coaster of emotions and I can't get off.  I honestly need time to breathe and to relax and to take everything that is going on around me, and make some sense of it.

Remember back in January when Lola had a seizure?  She's been fine since then and I had honestly thought that it was just a one time thing, never to happen again.  In truth, I think I was in denial, because the doctor had told us at the time that when they happen once, more often than not they tend to recur sometime in the future.

So I let my guard down, and yesterday afternoon she had another seizure.  This time she actually fell off the couch onto the ground.  It scared Nicholas to death, and he was quite affected with the whole thing.  I just wish the kids hadn't witnessed it, it's hard enough for me as an adult to see it and to feel so helpless, but for children it can be quite traumatizing.

The only reason I even knew something was wrong is because I heard Nicholas scream and then run out of the living room.  Later he told me that he ran into my bedroom, got on the bed and proceed to pray over and over for God to take care of Lola.  Lump in my throat, I tell you.

Anyway, I picked Lola up, held her, stroked her fur and kept saying "it's ok baby, mommy is here", over and over until she stopped and came out of it.   I don't now what to do in a situation like this, but I just felt like I wanted her to know that I was there?

I knew then that something was going on, so this afternoon we took her to the vet.

$260 later, and blood work done, the vet thinks it is epilepsy but of course they have to rule out everything else, one of them being valley fever.  *sigh*

Will know for sure over the next few days when he calls us with the lab results.

My nerves are already on edge because of many other things going on, and I think this was the catalyst. 

One thing I'm not good at is, is flying by the seat of my pants and I'm feeling like a fish out of water right now.  There is just so much going on in my life right now, so many decisions, so many things hanging in limbo.

I have cried a few times since yesterday afternoon, I have prayed, I continue praying and at times I feel like I can't catch my breath.  I hate feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat, that constant lump in my throat, the burning in my eyes.  Really don't like feeling like that, but here I am.

I consider myself a pretty strong person, pretty optimistic and have a strong faith, but I think that far too often I forget that I'm human, that I have emotions and feelings and that sometimes even the strongest need a break.

So I come to you today and ask that you pray for me, for us, for Lola.

You know the funny thing is that I know in my heart that everything is going to be alright, but maybe I'm tired, emotionally and physically which just exacerbates everything.

Either way, I just need to breathe, to slow down, to just really take a moment and hand it all to God.  But I need help, and I don't like asking for it, it's that whole "makes me look weak" thing.  Shameful, I know.

So if you have a moment and you would like to, I could use prayers right now, for whatever it is you may think I need the most cause frankly I can't even begin to say what it is.

Maybe I need more faith?
Maybe I need to let go and let God?
Maybe I need peace in my heart?
Maybe I just need comfort?

I don't know, I'm just.........I don't know.

A royal mess is what I am, I guess.