{ When it becomes the norm }

I want to start this post by letting you all know that I got my mammogram results, and everything is normal.  Praise the Lord!!!

Your prayers and thoughts always help, so thank you so much for that :)

I know that some may find this whole thing silly in a way, but I've had issues since the age of 18, ultrasounds, call backs, more exams and imaging, fibrocystic breasts, pains and lumps and all sorts of things.

When that happens, a yearly breast exam done by my doctor, or my mammograms the past 3 years, become quite stressful and anxiety inducing.  For me. Not everyone is the same, and I'm hoping that as the years go by, I reach a state of fearless, non worry filled and no anxiety being around this time of the year.

The past week has been one of full on anxiety for me, so much so, that praying continually all throughout the day, became my norm.  It was the only thing that took away the edge of the anxiety and got me a little calmer.  Rebuke it all in the name of Jesus, and that is what I did, over and over again.

Here's the frustrating part about anxiety, and let me start by telling you that my anxiety only showed up a few months ago, completely out of nowhere.  I didn't really understand it, and what little I could get from it was through my daughter's daily battle with anxiety and depression....so in a way, my view and thoughts were always from an outside perspective.

When it hits you in the face and you're thrown into a full on anxiety attack, that is when you fully grasp how debilitating it can be.

Personally, I only really have Health related anxiety, meaning, any other situation in my life, no matter how scary or complicated, is met with calm, positivity and glass half full emotions.

Anything health related and more specifically breast related???

Forget it!!!

I will be talking to my doctor more on this, because I think a lot of it has to do with my hormones and possibly premenopause.  There is a LOT, and I mean a LOT going on with my body the past year, many changes, hormonal issues, cycle issues and so on, so when I go for my yearly in 6 months, I'll be asking to have my hormones tested and really try to get an understanding of what is happening.

But this week, my anxiety was out of control, so I held onto the Lord tighter, read my bible and devotionals, prayed and prayed and prayed, rebuked and proclaimed my health and life to the Lord on a daily basis.

It was hard my friends, there were days that by the time I went to bed, I was mentally exhausted from the constant battle.

This morning when the nurse finally called me to tell me the results, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and the very first thing I did when I got off that phone was praise God, give all the glory and thanks to Him and make a reaffirmation of standing firm in my belief and not straying, not ever doubting His way, or my instincts (which by the way, have been telling me for the past 3 months that there is nothing wrong with me, while my anxiety laughed and told me I was fooling myself).

I kept busy, my Nicholas had his 15th birthday on Wednesday, and I baked him a cake, as I have always done the past 15 years.

I also took photos, went outside and sat in the fresh air, talked to family and friends, loved on my dog, made summer plans and pushed and pushed closer to God.

Because you know what hit me, especially this last week???

That this is my norm, this is what is normal for me now as a woman in my 40's and as many other amazing women out there, this is our lives.  These tests, these exams and appointments that we subject ourselves to yearly, this is OUR normal, all of it, with the uncomfortable pains and the small talk during certain procedures, and the fear and anxiety while waiting for results.

And many of us will get called back and be subjected to other stress inducing tests, and then we will wait a while longer only to be told it's all fine and to come back and do it all again the following year.

Would it be easier to not go, to not get mammograms or breast exams, to not check for ourselves, or get the yearly pelvic exams and paps and all that stuff???  Oh absolutely, I don't think any of us enjoy this yearly ritual, but at least I know that I'm doing something proactive towards my health and being able to be around for years to come to enjoy my children and my husband.

I actually have it set up where I get my mammogram the beginning of the year, do my self exams at home every month after that, and then have my yearly Gynecologist exam six months later in the middle of the year. 

And yes, this is my new norm since turning 40 and will be my life until the day I die.  I can complain, fight it, get frustrated or whatever, or I can just accept it and do what I have to do not just for me, but for my family.

So I go into this weekend with a sense of relief and a renewed love for God, for putting up with me the past few days and never letting go, and I'm so glad he didn't because the relationship I have with Him at the moment, compared to the one I had with Him just a few months ago, is worth every fear, stress, worry and anxiety filled moment I went through......and why you may ask??

Because it taught me to trust implicitly and to let go and let Him take over, and that's not something I ever want to change, ever again :)

{ Incomplete Mammogram....oh boy }

Well friends I was planning on coming in and doing a different kind of post, but this is my online journal and I need to talk and vent and write down what is on my mind.  Good, bad, worrying, exciting, it all needs to be documented no matter what.

I'm sure many of you will understand what I'm thinking at the moment, what I'm feeling, the questions, the fears and all that.  I'm also pretty sure some of you won't and that's a good thing, because this is not something I would wish on anyone.

As you all know I went for my yearly mammogram last week.  Unfortunately my hospital doesn't give me the results right away, they send it to my doctor and then if something is wrong they will contact me and have me go in for a second mammogram.

I hadn't heard anything until this morning when I got the dreaded phone call which stopped me right in my tracks, I didn't even want to answer because I knew what it was going to be.

I guess the good thing is that they didn't say they found something and needed me in right away.  But, I was told that it was incomplete and that the radiologist needs me to come in for a second mammogram to my right breast so they can get a clearer picture of one of the areas.  She followed it up by saying that it doesn't mean it's something serious, it just means they need a clearer picture of that breast.  They will do a mammogram and if need be, an ultrasound as well.

When I was 18 years old, I found a lump on my right breast (surprise surprise).  My doctor sent me for a mammogram and at the time they couldn't really see well either, so they had me do an ultrasound and it came back that it was fibroids.  It's something I've deal with my whole life, my mother has them and often gets very lumpy breasts which need to sometimes be aspirated. 

After I had my daughter, one of the first yearly exams I had, my doctor thought he had felt something on my right breast (again surprise surprise), so he had me go in for a second opinion.  I was 25, and they told me the chance of it being anything serious was minimal, and after checking it was fine.  Again, fibroids.

I knew that the chances of getting called back were high for me.  My breasts are dense, like I said, get lumpy during that time of the month and swell up and so on.  It's the reason why I opted for the 3D mammograms which are a lot better than the usual mammogram, and the chances of getting called back are not as huge as with the other normal mammogram.

Getting that phone call today knocked the wind out of me.  I am not even going to lie, I went into panic mode because this has always been the one thing that has scared me to death.  My mind goes to the worst case scenario, I start thinking the worst, and worrying myself sick.  I was a total mess by the time I got off the phone with the lady.

After talking to my daughter, to my sister in law, to my niece and my husband, I've finally started calming down. 

• I allowed myself to cry and to panic and to worry and to get that initial shock out of my system.
• I calmed down, I hit the ground and I prayed.
• I have not asked why, it's not for me to ask, it's not even for me to know.
• I have tried to put it out of my mind and to force myself to be rational and realistic.
• I posted about it on Facebook, to ask for prayers mainly because I need to stop worrying and need to think clearly and logically.
• After reading so many of my friend's comments (some of you here too who are friends on facebook as well), and realizing that this quite common and it does happen, especially when you have dense breasts, I've calmed down a lot.

I don't know what is going to happen.  I've felt an overwhelming sense of calm come over me, almost like I can hear God saying "you're going to be fine, stop worrying".

Way I see it is, I won't know until next week Thursday, what is going to happen or what is wrong, if anything is wrong.  If nothing is wrong, then I went through a scare, and maybe I needed to go through it to learn an important lesson.

If something is wrong, then I will face it and deal with it and again, learn an important lesson. 

One thing is for sure, I have an amazing support system, family and friends who will not let me fall, who will be there no matter what.  People who tell me when I'm overreacting, people who tell me when I'm not thinking clearly, people who tell me that I'm loved, people who tell me I'm making a big deal and getting worked up without needing to right now.

I think the biggest thing for me is the fact that this has always been my biggest fear, so when the phone rang and I saw that it was the Women's Clinic, it came true in a sort of way and took me completely by surprise.

Look, I have no idea what this means, what any of it means or what is coming my way.  But, I do know that no matter what, it's going to be placed in God's hands.  I'm not going to allow the devil to steal my joy for the next week, to make me doubt, to make second guess God or my faith.  I'm going to leave it and go with the flow.....no matter what.

I do appreciate any and all prayers, and I'm not even asking for it not to be something or whatever, I'm just needing prayers to not panic, to stay calm and to let it go and let God.  That's it!!!

Whatever happens, when I go to my appointment, I'll certainly let you all know, I promise.  :)

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and talk this through.  It really does help to type it out and get it out of my mind.

Have a wonderful Tuesday and I'll be back tomorrow with a much nicer post :)

{ Mammogram and finally Coffee }

The dreaded mammogram is done!!!

Friends, I stress myself out waiting for it to happen, it's not something I enjoy or look forward to, but I'm so glad to have it behind me and move on. 

I debated on whether I was going to take a picture at the hospital or not, I wasn't sure if it was something that I should do, but I felt led to do it if nothing more than for the fact that, I think if I encourage even just one woman to go and get her mammogram, then my job is done :)

In this day and age where so many selfies are taken, there are some that need to be shared and I often find that the most important things we SHOULD be taking selfies of, are left undone for either fear of how it will be viewed, or embarrassment or for fear of offending someone, or maybe because we just don't think it's something anyone wants to see.

Now I didn't take a photo of the actual mammogram, of course, but I did snap two photos before the exam, because I wanted to share them.  Because March is Women's History Month, and if there's any better time to bring this important women's exam to light, it is now.

 I wish I had found a blog post somewhere sharing these things with me, before I went for my first mammogram last year.  I was terrified, I didn't know what to expect, what it would look like, what I would have to do, how long it would take.  I had so many questions and so many fears.

Because of my own experience prior to my first, I thought that today I would share a little about how my mammograms have gone, granted I've had just two, this being my second.  Many women have different experiences, their own stories to tell, their own way of preparing, some don't prepare at all.  Some doctors give them advice, others don't.  But I think for the most part, it's all the same.

I was advised not to wear deodorant or any lotion under my arms or on my breasts.  The deodorant because of the aluminum it contains which may show up on the mammogram and thereby make the radiologist think there's something there where there isn't.  Same thing with the lotion.

Many hospitals will tell you it's fine to wear deodorant because they do provide wipes and deodorant for after the exam.  Mine does, but nonetheless I stay away from it, unless it's the peak of summer then of course, I'll wear something and wipe it off there.

The caffeine thing seems to be a bit of a mixed feelings on it.  Many women say they've never heard of it and have always had their mammograms done without a problem.  Many others like me, have been told to stay away from it for 3 days up to a week prior.  Actually if you google it, you will see the explanation as to why recently they tell you not to have caffeine.

I snapped this pic right before my mammogram.

Let me just say that so many women will tell you that it's not sore, it doesn't hurt, it is just uncomfortable.  Many others will say that it's painful.

I fall into the painful and uncomfortable category.  I have always had very sensitive breasts, I have dense fibrous breasts and caffeine exacerbates it.  My one coffee a day is not an issue, but if I have those days where I need the extra energy boost and have 2 or 3 coffees, I definitely feel it.

I'm not here to scare anyone, I'm not here to tell anyone that it's so sore that you can't handle it.  I can handle it, I can take it, but yes, it is quite painful for me.  At one point today, I actually remember that as she took one of the xrays, it was so sore that I literally said in my head "Lord, please hold my hand through this."   But just as you think you can't take anymore, it's done.

I guess the point I'm trying to make through all this is that we need to take care of ourselves.  We need to set that fear aside and, get in there and do what needs to be done in order to make sure we are healthy for our husbands and our children and our friends.

I don't enjoy this, I don't look forward to it, I stress in the days leading up to it, and then I stress for a few days more until I hear the results, because my hospital doesn't divulge them to me, they send them to my gynecologist within a few days and then if there's something wrong, she will call me, if I don't hear anything then everything is fine.  It's nerve wrecking, to say the least!!!

But please, if you are a woman, if you have a history of breast cancer in your family, go and get your early screening done.  If you are a woman who is 40 years old, please go and get your first mammogram done. It is SO important, I can't stress that enough!!!

Another thing that always helps me, is having my husband with me.  He knows how scared I am and how nervous I get, and so he takes time off work to take me to my appointment.  He can't go in, but just knowing that he is in the waiting room, makes me feel better.

Right after the appointment, he took me to Starbucks because he knew how much I was wanting a nice cup of coffee.  A Salted Caramel Latte later and my headache was gone.  Yay!!!

Now, I knew I had my appointment late in the day, so I threw together a Lasagna in the Crockpot so it would be ready when we got back home.  It was something that took a little bit of time in the morning to get together, but it ensured that we had a yummy dinner ready and I didn't have to make the hubby and kids wait for me to get back and then still cook dinner.  Sometimes a little planning and organizing on our part, goes a long way.

I need to show you this beauty.  My Jasmine's boyfriend, Nick, works for Starbucks, and he gave Curt and I this machine as a Christmas present.  He hadn't had a chance yet to visit so we didn't get it until we picked up Jasmine, but oh my goodness.

I was so shocked, I actually wanted to cry hahaha  I've wanted one for a long time, so to have this gifted was amazing.  Since I couldn't have coffee, I had to wait until today to go buy the pods for it, which I did when we stopped at Starbucks for coffee after my appointment, and tomorrow I'm going to give it a go.  I can not wait :)

My Marley is growing into a beautiful dog.  I am amazed by him on a daily basis, he is gorgeous, he is the sweetest dog, he is incredibly smart, I adore him :)

He loves everyone in the family, but he has a very special weak spot for Jasmine, he loves her to death and he missed her when she was gone for two weeks.  Now that she's back he is constantly near her and cuddling with her.  How adorable is this?

She fell asleep on the couch and he just went right to sleep by her :)

Anyway, a busy, eventful day, but I'm glad it's over with.  Tomorrow I am doing a Spend The Day with Me, so I hope you'll join me bright and early.  I'm quite looking forward to it!!!

I'm going to get off here and go and work on week 4 of the Scheepje's Hygge CAL, I'll show you tomorrow.