So many thoughts

First let me begin by saying that I love Christmas.

Then, let me follow that statement by telling you that it is also one of the months I least like.

There's just too many emotions and thoughts that plague me during the holidays, namely the fact that I grew up in a big family, and always had many people surrounding me, big tables with loads of food and a tree that seemed to be surrounded by an ocean of gifts.  Laughter and chatter and all that fun stuff.

As I left South Africa behind, I also left that part of my life.

It's simpler now, much simpler, but also much quieter, which in turn sometimes translates into loneliness.  Loneliness that is amplified around Christmas time.

Some family members have since passed on, siblings have married and had children and have their own families, and the big Chistmas feasts have ceased to exist.  For me, it's been 15 years since I was able to celebrate that way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children, and there's nowhere I would rather be than here with them.  But I do wish that my children would have had the chance to indulge in a bit celebration akin to the ones I had when I was their age.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this is the month where I most miss my big family around.

I know I'm not the only one, I have many friends who don't like December and Christmas, simply for the feelings it evokes in them.  It's normal to miss those that are no longer among us in body.

These past few days have found me in somewhat of a blue mood.  I try not to let it get to me, but deep down it hurts and what that translates into, is a somewhat somber, quiet demeanor.

Some days it's good, some days it's not so good, and some days it's an inner battle between the smile and the frown, but I almost always let the smile win.

The main reason being that my children shouldn't be deprived of a good Christmas, and laughs and joy.  It's about them now, it's not about me.

Letting them enjoy the season and everything that comes with it, is my priority.  Oh I'm not saying that I can squash down all my feelings and pretend they don't exist, but making a choice to not let my mood affect everything is what I do.

Besides, my kids keep me grounded and in the moment.  How can I do anything but smile when I turn around and see this staring me in the face?

Something else that takes the sting away, is doing what I love to relax, like crochet.  Have let my hands move at their own speed, creating and creating away.......

And at the end of the day, I step outside and see God's beauty reminding me that I'm still alive, I'm still kicking and it's STILL a beautiful day no matter what.