Maybe it's due to this time of the year. Watching the trees drop their leaves to the ground, as if shedding the past and getting ready for the future. I sort of feel the same way, like I need to let go of some things and start new.
I have never made it a secret that there are things in my life I am not happy about, or rather, one big thing, which is where we're at. I'm not a fan of Arizona, I didn't want to come here, I still can't stand it, and everyday I have to force myself to look it at through different eyes, to try and appreciate what I see, what is around me. To remind myself that I may not be where I want to, but I am with WHO I love and that has to count for something, it COUNTS for something.
But letting go and letting God is one of those phrases that I tell myself constantly. And it doesn't just relate to this particular issue, but to everything I do in my life.
Some people make it seem so easy, and I envy their faith, their way to be able to really take that phrase to heart and do what it says without looking back, without question, without doubt.
And then there's me. Letting go is hard. It is SO very hard. It goes against every fiber of my being.
It's that nagging little thought in the back of your mind, that little doubt that creeps up and stops you in your tracks, every.single.time you make progress towards being free of worry.
Your mind really can become your worst enemy.
You know, I had to stop and tell myself that it's ok to just stumble along, it's ok to feel overwhelmed and helpless and like I'm not in control, and that if I let go the world will not cease to exist in that very moment.
I think deep down I am slowly realizing that the biggest issue of letting go, is that I will have to completely let go of the need to be right. Of the need to feel that only I can fix things and only I can do what is best for me. Because really, who else but myself would have MY best interests in mind?
So I'm learning, I'm plodding through and I'm trying my best to be content with everything in my life, including and more importantly, being in the moment of where I am in this point in time.
I am just like everyone else when it comes down to it. Living life, trying to do my best, failing miserably at times but always pushing myself to continue and not be consumed by the negative feelings that sometimes threaten to take over. I'm not perfect....I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be me.
