Motherhood.....the changing tides and parenting a child with depression and anxiety!

I've been meaning to type this up for a very long time, but it just never seemed like the right moment, or I didn't have the right words or felt like there was more to think about before I could put it into words.

However, this morning I felt moved to actually sit down and try to get my words out, if nothing else than in a way that I can maybe help myself deal with the struggles of being a mother and especially now that my children are both teenagers.

When we have children we have all these dreams and hopes and thoughts of what they're going to do, of how they're going to act and the people they will be.

I used to fall into the trap of the "my children will never do that"...."my children will never behave that way"....."I won't ever make them eat this or that."  At the time I was so sure that I meant what I was saying and that all those parents I saw struggling with kids had to be doing something wrong, maybe they weren't strict enough or maybe they just weren't cut out to be parents.

Oh how wrong I was and today I'm the mom sitting in the corner quiet giggling when I hear a young woman or man proclaim exactly what I use to.  Truth is, they have no idea what they're in for.

I'm not going to talk about motherhood or parenting in general because you all know it's one of my greatest treasures on earth, I love my children with every fiber of my being and I wouldn't trade the life I have or the children I have, for anything in this world, and yes I include even the tough moments.

Just a warning, this is going to be a very long post and I apologize for it, but there is so much I need to say.

I want to talk about her, this gorgeous girl above, the light of my eyes, my mini me.

Jasmine is 17years old and very much a typical girl her age, except for the part where she struggles with depression, anxiety and eating issues.  She's not bulimic, she's not anorexic but she has never been one to eat much or properly at all and has always been extremely thin and tiny.

When she turned 12, as her body started changing and her hormones kicked up, things changed and since then she's been trying to deal with the normal challenges of growing up but added in the difficult struggles of depression and anxiety.  For the most part she could keep in under control, until about 10 months ago.

She's been in a relationship with a wonderful boy for over 2 years and just like normal relationships they have their ups and downs, unfortunately the fact that it's a long distance relationship also adds in more stress.  If you remember end of last year they had a horrible break up, and around that time she was going through a pretty dark patch in her life.

You have never known worry and fear, until you see your child suffering and not knowing how to help her or even understand what she is feeling or thinking.

She became extremely withdrawn, she wouldn't leave heoooooooor bedroom, she would stay in bed for days on end, she was irritable, she sobbed at the drop of a hat, she was clingy and needy, she stopped caring about school and fell behind to the point where I didn't know if she was going to finish her school year, she wasn't eating, she started passing out randomly, she started lying and being manipulative.  She wasn't my daughter, she wasn't the sweet little red headed girl that we had raised, the happy go lucky, full of life child that I knew.

There was so much going on, and I immediately knew that this was serious.

The worst part as a parent who doesn't suffer from depression or anxiety, is not knowing how to help or how to reach out, and so I began a long process of figuring out what set her off, when to speak to her, when to leave her alone, when to reach out, when to hug, when to walk away, and most importantly NOT to take what she said in her moments of anger, to heart.

That my friends was the hardest part for me.

Small little things that I learned to look for, like for example, I would walk into her room in the morning and say hi and she would be her old self, hug me, and be happy to see me and talk to me......I would walk out and if I walked back in 30 minutes later, her demeanor and reaction to me would tell me whether I could proceed to talk or just close the door and give her space.

I quickly learned how to be there for her when she wanted to talk, and how to leave her alone when she didn't.  My husband on the other hand had a very hard time and they did not get along at all.

He is retired military, he is a tough guy, he is all about protecting his children and if there is a problem, solving it.  When he saw her struggling his instinct was to hug her and hold her, but in those moments where she was having a really bad anxiety attack, she didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to be hugged, she wanted no one around her and so it became a power struggle.....with me in the middle.

Between December and May of this year, I was in a haze.  Not many knew, only a very select few close to me would know what was happening, or at least to some extent, and the deep dark place I was in.

I cried, I prayed, my husband and I had marital problems to the point where we came close to divorce, I felt pulled and  in the middle of my daughter and my husband not quite knowing how to help either one while at the same time trying to support each individually.  I felt so alone, I felt misunderstood, I felt helpless, I felt like nobody cared about me or how I was dealing with it all.

I withdrew myself, I didn't want to go out, I stopped caring about myself and my house and anything that wasn't relating to my daughter.

Worst of all, I was in complete denial, I mean how could a 17 year old (16 at the time), have depression or anxiety?  Stupidly I kept thinking it would get better, it was a phase, it would pass.  Until one day, early morning, my daughter sent me a text message from her bedroom saying "Momma, I need help, I need to see a doctor, I need medication, please!".

And that was it, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The first thing I did was cry and then look for answers, stupidly enough.  What did I do to cause this, what did my husband do, what did anyone do?  If and If and IF.

I dropped to my knees and God immediately set me straight.  "Pull yourself up, you did nothing, your husband did nothing, no one did anything wrong.  No one is to blame, it just is, but what you decide to do from now on is what matters".

And so I did what I was told, I got up, I wiped away my tears, I walked into my daughter's room and gave her the biggest hug ever and right then and there made a doctor's appointment.

A few months have passed, she's on medication for Depression and Anxiety and has been seeing a Therapist every week.  The change I have seen in her is like nothing I could have imagined.

She is back to her loving, happy self, she has put on 3 pounds, she is eating and enjoying eating, she is back on track with school, she just got her driver's permit, she is planning on college and what she wants to do, she knows where she wants to go, she is out of her bedroom and spending time with the family, she is doing well with in her relationship, matter of fact he is picking her up next week and she will be spending a whole week at his grandmother's house.

I'm so proud of her and looking forward to her future. 

Not to say that she still doesn't have a bad day here and there, she does, and I think she always will.  Medication is not meant to make her feel nothing, but it IS meant to take balance it all out and help
her function, so that on those odd bad days, she is able to deal with them easier.

In the middle of all this, I'm also having to learn to go with the flow and to embrace the changing tides of parenting.  She is no longer a little toddler or a small child needing my full attention 24/7, she is a young woman and in a few months probably moving out and moving away.

It's hard to think of that moment, not just because she will be out on her own, but because of her depression and anxiety and knowing that I won't be there every day helping if needed.

You know we go our whole lives protecting them, shielding them, trying to keep them from things we know or fear will hurt them in any way, but the truth is that they need to grow and spread their wings, and learn on their own.

I hope that the morals and values we have instilled in her and my son, stay with them for the rest of their lives.  If we take every decision out of their hands, or try to stop them from making mistakes or continue to shield them from everything life has to offer, we are only hurting them in the long run.

Because when we are no longer there, I need to trust that they will make the right decisions on their own, and if not, that they will learn from whatever the outcome may be.

This has been one of the hardest posts for me to write, funny enough I seem to be having a few of those lately , bare truth, open, nothing held back. 

But God led me to write this, I don't know why or who will read it, who it will help, or if it is meant for someone in particular who may be going through the same and no exactly knowing what to do, or seeing that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  Trust me, there is.

At first I questioned why this was happening to us, why did I have to go through this, but I trust God and I trust that this is for a reason and that I'm being taught a huge lesson as a parent, and really I am, I have learned so much about myself and my child, and the bond we have is something that will never be broken. 

On my birthday, she posted this message:

"Happy birthday to the best momma in the world. Thank you for being there for me through everything, even if you don't agree with or understand certain things you still try to and that's what matters. You've supported me through everything and I really can't thank you enough. I love you mama, I hope you have an amazing day. :3c".

And that is when I knew.....I'm on the right path, I've done my best.  To have your 17 year old say these things to you is the best feeling in the world.  I am ONE lucky mom!

{ The Great Plains and homey stuff }

Oklahoma.  Land of horrible roads, but beautiful scenery.

I have always loved traveling through the State.  The very first time we drove through it was many many years ago, when we were still stationed in Mountain Home, Idaho.  Nicholas wasn't even dreamed of at the time, and Jasmine was a tiny 6 month old.

We made the 22 hour trip, going through Kansas, down through Oklahoma City and into Lawton to visit my in laws.  We were young, it was our first real road trip and we didn't know any shortcuts to make the trip shorter.

Aside from the car trip being long and boring, one thing stands out for me, and that was the drive through Oklahoma.  Coming from Idaho and traveling through Utah, Wyoming and Colorado which is surrounded by mountains as far as the eye can see, it was quite a shock seeing nothing but flat land for miles around.

But I quickly fell in love with the plains.  Miles and miles of green land, cattle, little ponds here and there and hay bales.  It was beautiful, it was peaceful and I never got tired of looking out the window.

When we went to the Renaissance Faire on Saturday, we traveled through Oklahoma and once again I was reminded of just how beautiful it is.  I still dream of a ranch house surrounded by acres and acres of land, horses, chickens and cows and all that.

A girl can dream right?

My Easter flowers are still going strong, well, for the most part, there are a few that are starting to wilt and that's expected, but I do enjoy the pop of color they bring to my bedroom.

I've started growing some herbs.  You have no idea how many times I think back to our home in Arizona and miss all my herbs, it broke my heart to have to leave them behind.

But never mind that, I'm starting my herb collection again and so far I have parsley, cilantro, chives and basil growing.  Oh and of course I planted some Lavender because, well, I had to, it's stronger than me.  Hahah

Spring is now in full force, our yards are littered with hundreds of birds, chirping and flying from tree to tree.

I actually took a little video yesterday and put it on Instagram.  I had stepped outside with the dogs and couldn't believe just how loud the chirping was, it was almost like being in a bird sanctuary.

That feeling is like nothing else.  It's why I will never willingly live in a city again and why I will always choose the country life.

With the busy life I've had the past few months, or year actually, I can always count on stepping outside and taking a deep breath to make me feel rejuvenated. 

So I've been working on the yards, the patio out back, the inside, growing flowers and herbs and really trying to bring Spring into the house.

You've probably also noticed that I've posted quite frequently the past few days.  I know, I shocked myself, but I've learned not to get too bummed out when I can't, and to just post when time allows it.  It takes that pressure off of me and so I hope you are ok with my sporadic blogging, it's kinda like my life, sometimes it's calm and sometimes it's chaotic and crazy.

Right now, I am about to go get school done with Nick.  He is dying to finish as fast as he can so he can be done for the year.  My Jasmine on the other hand seems to think she has all the time in the world, she goes slow, she often falls behind and it's become a struggle getting her to really devote herself to school.

I guess it comes with age, she's about to turn 17 and she's all over the place.  One thing I am finding myself dealing with is her anxiety, and I think I should probably do another post on dealing with teenage anxiety and how to approach it, things I'm learning etc.  Maybe it will help another mom out there.

Let me know if that is something you would be interested in reading, or if you yourself have a teenager going through it and have any advice to offer, I would love hearing it.

Off I go, have a blessed Tuesday :)

Getting ready for Halloween!!!

So I have some photos to show you, just a few decorations I put up.  I didn't put up anything big outside like we did previous years, not just because the kids are bigger now and not much into that, but we're also out in the country, and really, aside from the field mice and the owls, who is going to see it???

I did want to make it a little more Halloweeny in here but keep it simple and quick to remove since we're literally on top of the day.

Hung this little sign on our front door, not that anyone will see it, but we will and that counts too right?



Have had these 3 for such a long time, they usually go up in my kitchen but I have zero space in this new one, so I hung them up in the family room.


Family room window, strung some orange lights around the big window, added some black fabric and sat this skeleton on the bench.

He's not too thrilled to be there and has taken quite a few tumbles already, currently he is laying on the ground face up and I'm too tired to go mess with him again, so I'll leave it for tomorrow.



Here's the window in the living room, also strung lights, added the same kind of black meshy fabric and then added those two skeletons facing the window, and a black mouse.  *shiver*



This ghostie has survived a lot, he has been with us since Arizona and has been in dust storms, then through snow and rain storms in Idaho and now here he is, still going, looking a little ratty but I can't bear to part with him.

I didn't know how to hang him up because somewhere along the line, he lost his string, so I kind of propped him on my lamp.  Ha!!!



These were literally thrown into the corner of my entry way, for lack of an idea on where to place them.  Oh well, there he lays.....



And that is is, not much but enough to give the house a cute little holiday feeling.

Nick does not want to dress up this year, I'm not even sure if he wants to trick or treat at all.  Jasmine on the other hand picked out a costume and still wants to trick or treat hahaha

I'm not sure if she will be in the mood for it as things have kind of come up since yesterday.   She has been dating a very sweet boy for the past year and almost a half, but things are a little rough right now and they've decided to take a small break.  She is heartbroken of course, and oh my word, I am not prepared for this stuff at all.

Friends, I've been through it, obviously, we all know how it feels at 16, everything you go through is felt so much more deeper and stronger.  As a woman I understand what she's feeling, and it's not even a real break up, it's a little break, but still......as a mom though, Lord help me.

It's so hard not to get involved and you want to find out how they're feeling and want to know what's going exactly, and for them to talk to you and tell you, but she's not ready, and I'm stepping back and allowing her to just deal with it on her own, knowing full well that dad and I are here if she needs us.

It's not a fun thing to go through or to watch your child go through.  I have a very good relationship with her boyfriend, he calls me mom and comes to me for advice on a lot of things or if he needs to vent about something and needs a shoulder.  I've come to think of him as a son and love him as one, which makes all of this so much harder.

Ultimately my daughter is my priority, but I do care about him through this too, so I'm trying to be there for both, giving them space, listening when they want to talk without judging or telling them what to do or not to do.

This is one of the parts of being a parent that is so hard.  I kind of want to run to my own parents and be like "what do I do?  you take over I don't want to do this".  Seriously!!!

I'm sorry friends, this is turning into a pretty long post, very reminiscent of my old blog posts where I would babble about everything and anything, but the truth is that I think of you all as close friends and I know that many of you have gone through this with your own kids, or are going through it now and sometimes it helps to just let it out.

I kind of feel like I haven't caught a break the past few months, it really is one thing after another and it's getting to the point where I'm starting to laugh through this because it's that ridiculous.  Good grief, life needs to back off our family for a bit.

Anyway, yeah, so they're taking a break, they both love each other very much but it's a long distance relationship and it's rough and they're young and all of that and a bag of chips, and here we are.

One thing I want to make very clear though, I do NOT agree with people saying that just because someone is young they don't know what they're doing, their relationship shouldn't be taken seriously, or their feelings are not valid.  Just DON'T!!!!  I don't care how young someone is, to them their feelings are real, the love they feel is real, the heartache is real and the hurt is very much real.

All this to say that......I'M NOT READY TO DO THIS!!!  Can't we just go back to those days where she was 6 and crying over a lost shoe???

One thing I've learned though, is to never take a single moment as parents for granted.  Those times we complained about them being toddlers and needing us for everything and how we couldn't wait until they did things on their own????  Blink of an eye and they're teenagers.

Now I could sit and complain about this all, and as much as I don't want to deal with it and don't feel ready for any of this, I am gladly going to embrace it and ride it out, because I know I'm going to blink and they'll be in college and then getting married and having kids and I'll miss all of it, including these rough teenage years.



Alright, after that, I need a cookie, and I have a huge batch of these delicious chunky Andes Mint Chocolate Chip cookies in my kitchen.  Yeah, I'm putting away 1 or 2 before bed, which is right about now.

I'm tired, life has been draining lately, both hubby and I were saying this morning how we feel like we just can't catch up on sleep.  We wake up every morning just as tired as the night before.  It sucks!!!

Ok, cookies, then bed.  Goodnight all, oh and if you have any expert advice on how to make it through these teenage years, broken hearts, feeling like the world is ending etc etc.....feel free to leave them below, I would very much appreciate them :)

{ I HATE you }

*slam goes the bedroom door*

Well my friends, it has finally arrived.

For the longest time, as a mother, I had heard my friends and other blog readers and people in general, talk about the dreaded "hate" word that would magically slip out of teenager's mouth.

Some would even say, you're not doing your job right until you hear that from your child.  I always tended to think "that won't happen, not from my sweet Jasmine." 

Last night it came out, in a flurry of hormonal charges, between screams of frustration and raised voices between daughter and father, and it culminated in the dreaded "I HATE you", followed by the slam of the bedroom door.

I was shocked, to tell you the truth.  It's like when you hear about bad things happening and always think that kind of stuff happens to other people, not in your family.

My husband's response was simple, in a strict tone "Good, hate me all you want, but you WILL do what I am telling you."

 What we end up with, is a power struggle.   She is not a little girl anymore, she is 15 and she is at that hard age where her hormones are going nuts, she doesn't quite know what to do with herself, she wants to assert her independence, and then we have the all too common "they know better than the parents" phase.

My husband on the other hand tends to be quite strict and hard on her at times.  He is a wonderful father, but he is a military man to the core, and sometimes it's almost like he is dealing with one of his airman.  He wants things done now, this very second, without giving her a chance to get to it, or even the benefit of the doubt.

I think this is where we differ in parenting styles.  My husband has this discipline instilled in him since an early age, and then 22 years in the military of being told to do things right now, no excuses, jump up and do it, has transferred into the way he deals with the kids.

I'm more of the relaxed parent, in the sense that I will ask them to do something, and then I will give them space and time to get it done, if they don't do it, then I bring it up again more sternly and letting them know "right, now you're going to do it NOW because you didn't listen the first time."  Funny enough, my children always tell everyone that they are more scared of me than dad.

I don't want them to be scared, I just want respect.  Usually all it takes from me is one look, and then scurry to do what they were told.

With my husband, they tend to push the limits and see how far they can take it, and I honestly believe this stems from the military world.  He was gone quite a lot, and so when he wasn't there, it was just me, and it's hard when the guys come back because they want to assert themselves as the parent and father figure again, but for the children it's confusing, it's almost like they feel "you haven't been here, I don't need to listen to you, I need to listen to mom."   It surely carries on through life.

To be honest, I think that if she had directed those words to me, I would have reacted very differently from my husband.

He managed to keep his calm, me on the other hand, I can take a lot, but disrespect is one thing that I can't stand and I may have over reacted if I were in his shoes.  With that thought though, I have decided that since we seem to have entered this difficult teenage phase, I should probably arm myself with some information to better handle it, in case it does ever come my way.

After doing some research last night, I came upon a lot of advice for dealing with this, and one site listed some points to consider.

Know that it's normal 
Yep, as I stated right in the beginning of this post, this is normal, I knew this was something that teenagers tend to do, nonetheless it is still a little unnerving when it finally knocks on your door.

Keep your cool
Which is exactly what my husband did.  I know it wasn't easy for him to hear those words from her, she means the world to him and she is and always will be his little girl.  It's not easy for fathers and daughters to maintain a good relationship throughout the teenage years.  Thing is, my daughter gets so caught up in the moment that she will say whatever it takes for my husband to get off her back, even if it means, and especially if it means something hurtful.

Be a parent, not a friend
I am a HUGE believer in this.  Matter of fact, I cringe when I hear teenage girls go on about how their moms are their best friends, and they do everything together, and go buy clothes and go out and whatever.  I don't care what other moms do, but for me, I am a MOTHER first and foremost.  I am my daughter's friend, but above all I am her mother.  Period!!!

She is not always going to like what I say, and that is fine with me. 

Set the terms of respect
Here is the thing, I wholeheartedly believe that to earn respect, you need to give it.  And I don't mean just with adults, I mean children and especially teenagers.  You can't expect to belittle, attack, insult someone without them reacting and in a way defending themselves.  One thing I will do today, is sit down with Jasmine and explain to her calmly that the words "I hate you" are not allowed in this house, and if she wants to be respected, she needs to give it.

Get to the root of the problem
In this case, I know exactly what the problem was.  To be honest my husband was being unfair.  I have told him many times to pick his battles, some things are really dumb to cause a huge fight and hurt feelings.  She felt attacked, she felt picked on, and in turn she reacted with a hot head and said things I KNOW she doesn't mean.

Lighten Up
I remind myself constantly that I was a teenage girl once, that I know exactly what she's feeling and thinking and that it wasn't easy for me either.  Yes there were moments when my dad or stepmother would get on my case about something and I felt like I wanted to explode with rage, and the words "I hate you" played in my mind so many times, though I never actually threw them out.

I do believe that if we lighten up the moments when things are getting heated, that it helps a lot.  For me and my daughter, we tend to butt heads but always end up laughing about it, either she will pull a face, or say something that I find hilarious, or vice versa.  It does help to diffuse a quickly escalating moment.

One thing is for certain, I don't have it all figured out, I'm still learning things as a parent, and every day a situation will arise where I feel completely off kilter without really knowing what the best reaction or solution is.

It's a learning experience for all involved.

Jasmine has never been an easy child, I've always found her to be very assertive in her ways, very sure of what she wants and very independent.  Traits I find wonderful to have, but at the same time, traits that contribute to a lot of disagreements.

Whatever the case may be, she is my daughter and I adore her, and I can not imagine my life without her.  I know that the teenage years are filled with drama, and misunderstandings, fights and difficult moments as they try to toe the line between being a little kid and an adult.  It IS a scary phase.

My job as a mother will be to help her get through these years unscathed, or at least with as little scars as possible, right???

I would love to hear from you all who have teenage children, or who's children are already grown up.  How did you survive these years, how did you deal with the "I hate you"?