*slam goes the bedroom door*
Well my friends, it has finally arrived.
For the longest time, as a mother, I had heard my friends and other blog readers and people in general, talk about the dreaded "hate" word that would magically slip out of teenager's mouth.
Some would even say, you're not doing your job right until you hear that from your child. I always tended to think "that won't happen, not from my sweet Jasmine."
Last night it came out, in a flurry of hormonal charges, between screams of frustration and raised voices between daughter and father, and it culminated in the dreaded "I HATE you", followed by the slam of the bedroom door.
I was shocked, to tell you the truth. It's like when you hear about bad things happening and always think that kind of stuff happens to other people, not in your family.
My husband's response was simple, in a strict tone "Good, hate me all you want, but you WILL do what I am telling you."
My husband on the other hand tends to be quite strict and hard on her at times. He is a wonderful father, but he is a military man to the core, and sometimes it's almost like he is dealing with one of his airman. He wants things done now, this very second, without giving her a chance to get to it, or even the benefit of the doubt.
I think this is where we differ in parenting styles. My husband has this discipline instilled in him since an early age, and then 22 years in the military of being told to do things right now, no excuses, jump up and do it, has transferred into the way he deals with the kids.
I'm more of the relaxed parent, in the sense that I will ask them to do something, and then I will give them space and time to get it done, if they don't do it, then I bring it up again more sternly and letting them know "right, now you're going to do it NOW because you didn't listen the first time." Funny enough, my children always tell everyone that they are more scared of me than dad.
I don't want them to be scared, I just want respect. Usually all it takes from me is one look, and then scurry to do what they were told.
With my husband, they tend to push the limits and see how far they can take it, and I honestly believe this stems from the military world. He was gone quite a lot, and so when he wasn't there, it was just me, and it's hard when the guys come back because they want to assert themselves as the parent and father figure again, but for the children it's confusing, it's almost like they feel "you haven't been here, I don't need to listen to you, I need to listen to mom." It surely carries on through life.
To be honest, I think that if she had directed those words to me, I would have reacted very differently from my husband.
He managed to keep his calm, me on the other hand, I can take a lot, but disrespect is one thing that I can't stand and I may have over reacted if I were in his shoes. With that thought though, I have decided that since we seem to have entered this difficult teenage phase, I should probably arm myself with some information to better handle it, in case it does ever come my way.
After doing some research last night, I came upon a lot of advice for dealing with this, and one site listed some points to consider.
Know that it's normal
Yep, as I stated right in the beginning of this post, this is normal, I knew this was something that teenagers tend to do, nonetheless it is still a little unnerving when it finally knocks on your door.
Keep your cool
Which is exactly what my husband did. I know it wasn't easy for him to hear those words from her, she means the world to him and she is and always will be his little girl. It's not easy for fathers and daughters to maintain a good relationship throughout the teenage years. Thing is, my daughter gets so caught up in the moment that she will say whatever it takes for my husband to get off her back, even if it means, and especially if it means something hurtful.
Be a parent, not a friend
I am a HUGE believer in this. Matter of fact, I cringe when I hear teenage girls go on about how their moms are their best friends, and they do everything together, and go buy clothes and go out and whatever. I don't care what other moms do, but for me, I am a MOTHER first and foremost. I am my daughter's friend, but above all I am her mother. Period!!!
She is not always going to like what I say, and that is fine with me.
Set the terms of respect
Here is the thing, I wholeheartedly believe that to earn respect, you need to give it. And I don't mean just with adults, I mean children and especially teenagers. You can't expect to belittle, attack, insult someone without them reacting and in a way defending themselves. One thing I will do today, is sit down with Jasmine and explain to her calmly that the words "I hate you" are not allowed in this house, and if she wants to be respected, she needs to give it.
Get to the root of the problem
In this case, I know exactly what the problem was. To be honest my husband was being unfair. I have told him many times to pick his battles, some things are really dumb to cause a huge fight and hurt feelings. She felt attacked, she felt picked on, and in turn she reacted with a hot head and said things I KNOW she doesn't mean.
Lighten Up
I remind myself constantly that I was a teenage girl once, that I know exactly what she's feeling and thinking and that it wasn't easy for me either. Yes there were moments when my dad or stepmother would get on my case about something and I felt like I wanted to explode with rage, and the words "I hate you" played in my mind so many times, though I never actually threw them out.
I do believe that if we lighten up the moments when things are getting heated, that it helps a lot. For me and my daughter, we tend to butt heads but always end up laughing about it, either she will pull a face, or say something that I find hilarious, or vice versa. It does help to diffuse a quickly escalating moment.
One thing is for certain, I don't have it all figured out, I'm still learning things as a parent, and every day a situation will arise where I feel completely off kilter without really knowing what the best reaction or solution is.
It's a learning experience for all involved.
Jasmine has never been an easy child, I've always found her to be very assertive in her ways, very sure of what she wants and very independent. Traits I find wonderful to have, but at the same time, traits that contribute to a lot of disagreements.
Whatever the case may be, she is my daughter and I adore her, and I can not imagine my life without her. I know that the teenage years are filled with drama, and misunderstandings, fights and difficult moments as they try to toe the line between being a little kid and an adult. It IS a scary phase.
My job as a mother will be to help her get through these years unscathed, or at least with as little scars as possible, right???
I would love to hear from you all who have teenage children, or who's children are already grown up. How did you survive these years, how did you deal with the "I hate you"?
