Wednesday, June 12, 2013

So many lessons I have learned

 
You know how I always say that things happen for a reason, and we need to let go and let God?

But it's easier said than done, and I usually believe this with all my heart, but every single time that something goes wrong or doesn't quite work out the way I want it, I tend to react in a negative way first.  It's like all common sense flies out the window and I forget what I believe in only to replace it with shameful whining and complaining.

These past few weeks in preparation for the retirement and the move, have been some of the hardest moments of my life.

Things have come and things have gone, opportunities have presented themselves and then been swiftly removed from under our feet, and I have found myself at a loss, stuck, wanting and wanting and not getting and not understanding why.

I have seen the worst in myself, been torn down and pushed to the limit, been tested and asked by God "are you really trusting of my timing?"...."are you sure that you have faith in me to do what I think is best for you, even if it's not what you had in mind?".

I'm going to be completely honest with you.  The answer to both of those has been no on quite a few occasions.  It's been embarrassing for myself to realize that I really am not quite the faithful, trusting child of God that I thought I was.  Again, it goes back to the whole *easier said than done* issue.


Our plans of buying a home have been officially put aside for the moment.  I would like to say that I accepted it graciously and that I didn't complain once, but I would be lying because I did throw quite the tantrum at first, and I fought God every step of the way in the first few weeks.

I'm slowly and I emphasize, very slowly coming around to being the Christian and the woman of God that I want to be.

It's been a painstakingly hard process, some very tough decisions had to be made, some equally tough lessons had to be learned, but I am extremely blessed to have a husband who loves God as much as I do and who has held my hand through all of this, allowed me to hold his and together we've grown in Christ.  And for that alone, and if for nothing else, I am so thankful for what we've been through.

The truth is that we tend to get stuck in a certain pattern and when we see something we want, and key word is "WANT" not "NEED", we think that we're entitled to it, and we think that because we're Christians all we have to do is pray to God and He will give it to us, just because we asked.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that He answers our prayers and He WILL give us the things we ask for, but it's not always when we want them and sometimes it's not even the exact thing we were asking for.  Knowing the difference and understanding it and accepting it, is by far one of the hardest hurdles any Christian can go through.

I can only speak from experience, of course, and from my own life, but I do so with the hopes that someone out there will read my words and have that light bulb moment of realizing that they are in a similar situation or have been in the same boat and know exactly what it feels like.  Maybe, just maybe they will read this post and realize that it's not a lost cause, and that sometimes we have to go through these moments of sheer panic and desperation to get back on track with God.

I have been brought to my knees, I'm clung to the Bible and to His word, I've devoured devotional after devotional, I've cried, I've begged, I've stripped off all the layers of negativity and stubbornness and I've come through on the other side.

Better, with a stronger marriage than ever before, with renewed passion for life and well on my way to being that all trusting, full of faith child of God that I have wanted to be for so long.


It's been so hard, and I've stepped aside from the internet a bit, just so I could work on me, because I deserve it and I can't be there for anyone else if I'm not happy with myself.

But oh the feeling, the amazing feeling of contentment and joy, of knowing that everything is going to be just fine because He loves me and never leaves me.....there is nothing like it.

So thank you for all the prayers and the thoughts and the advice, truly, I wouldn't be able to make it through any of this without the continued support of family and friends.

I know this post has gone on quite long and I've probably lost a few of you along the way, but I felt compelled to write this.  I almost didn't do it, started it, deleted, started again, wondered who would care about what I'm saying, but felt led to post it, so my hope is that it helped at least one person, maybe it was the message that you needed to hear today, who knows.

I do feel better for writing even though it's now 10pm and I really should be in bed resting, but that's ok, first things first right???

Have a blessed night my friends!

13 comments:

Cher said...

Hang in there Sandra. God will get you through everything. Prayers and hugs to you and your family. Cheryl

Mari said...

I'm sorry the house plans didn't work out, but glad you're drawing close to God in this hard time. I don't take those no's well either and I have been known to argue with God. However, so often I find out later why His no has worked out better than my plans. Still - the next time I often forget and go through it again. :) Good thing He is patient with me.

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

Dear Sweet Sandra ~

Trusting in God is an ongoing moment to moment existence. We are going to have doubts, worries, fear, anger, want what we want now, etc.

This life is one big learning experience, may we continue to grow and learn in God's grace and be thankful for lessons learned and blessings given us.

It's been 6 months since I lost my dear husband and the other day I laid down for a nap and a feeling of peace enveloped me. It was the first time feeling that since I lost my husband. It was a wonderful feeling and I know it was from God as He is my Peace.

Hang in there Sandra. Gaining a deeper faith in God, and a deeper and stronger love for each other in your marriage is priceless.

Everything will fall into place at the right time.

Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady

Debby said...

Things will work out just the way they should, our plan is not always Gods plan. Here is the cool thing about God (yes I think he is cool) He knows we might not agree with him, he knows he might make us mad, sad, have a tea total hissy fit but he is still by our side. Now that is cool!

Amber said...

Hi Sandra. Sounds like God is doing a mighty work in your heart. I've been there too (and will most likely be there again in the future.) Thanks for sharing this with us.

SBeckham said...

Thank you for sharing, Sandra. You are such an inspiration. Praying for you and your family. There's nothing like the feeling of the comfort that you can find only in Him:)

Andrea said...

Nice pictures for a good post Sandra!

We can always wonder what if...what if this house went through, what our lives would be like there, would they be different? But yes, I agree with you, I truly feel that when we want to do God's will, even though at the time we are willing something that God closes doors to, things turn out best at the end.

God knows my husband and I have a hard time knowing which way to turn, so He seems to close doors to guide us all the time!

Once we sold our(this) house, and we could not find another house, at a time were we had all our kids young so we had 8 people who were almost without housing. It seems that every house we put an agreement on, fell through (and these were for sale by owner, and this type of sale seems to not follow realty laws) and houses we wanted got snatched up. In the end, we took our contract for the sale of our house to our lawyer, and it was not a valid contract, as we all signed copies and no one signed the one and same contract, so we got our house back. We were fearful we'd be homeless as it would be hard for 8 people to rent a hotel or short term apt until we could find a home to buy...so here we are....still in this house (that was 10 years ago).

Renee said...

Oh Sandra, you wrote just what I needed to hear/read today. My family and I have been facing decisions and I so want to go one way but God is sending us in another direction. Thank you for your honesty and such a beautiful message!

I am sorry the house plans didn't work out but am glad you have grown closer to Him. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sherri B. said...

I have found out first hand that Our Lord allows us to go through things to bring us closer to Him. Going through my cancer treatment was an eye opening experience of His true love and how I could really count on Him being there all of the time.

It is so good to see how your faith stays strong...We all have times of doubt and don't understand and that is totally human.

My prayers remain with you and your sweet family on this new journey of yours. xo

autumnesf said...

What is so hard for me is determining when to be still. When am I supposed to be actively working on something and when am I supposed to just wait on Him. That makes it hard.
On our last house try on the way to the inspections we prayed that God would clearly speak to us if it was not the house he had for us -- and it failed all three inspections. I'd say we got a sign! Wish it was always that clear!!

Sandrocas said...

When everything calms down, and you are settled, maybe when the day comes that you move into your purchased home, you'll be able to look back and realize why it all happened as it did. That a-ha moment will come, and you will realize, thank God, that that was the way things went! when you said you felt led to write, well, right there he was speaking through you, inspiring you, and yes, many of us can relate. Being a Christian is so hard, because we have to keep the faith, we need to realize the purpose in our sufferings, which is so hard. In the end, though, His grace and glory shines through us. Remember we are all on the same journey, and at times you will feel unworthy, but just accept His love, keep praying and spending time with him. It's your relationship with Our Lord that will keep you focused and able to deal with whatever comes your way. Also, what greater blessing than having a wonderful family to help you through. God bless you!

SmallMomentsBigJoy said...

It is so easy for us to say "God has it all in control, God will work things out for our best" etc. It's WAY harder to live it! When we can't see the outcomes, it's very easy to get lost in the fog. It's a scary place. But again and again, we discover that God really WAS leading us all along. :)

Suellen Roley said...

I'm hoping your perfect timing will rub off on me. My roommate is moving out, and I will NOT miss her one little bit but I will miss the $400.00 per month rent. Then the day after she gives me notice, my online job goes on hold (the other one has been on hold for a month already) so that means NO money coming in after this coming Thursday--and that has to go straight to my ISP because I owe them almost $300.00.

I gave myself permission to be lazy as all get out this weekend, but will return to cleaning, job hunting, etc bright and early tomorrow morning.