Wednesday, June 12, 2013
So many lessons I have learned
You know how I always say that things happen for a reason, and we need to let go and let God?
But it's easier said than done, and I usually believe this with all my heart, but every single time that something goes wrong or doesn't quite work out the way I want it, I tend to react in a negative way first. It's like all common sense flies out the window and I forget what I believe in only to replace it with shameful whining and complaining.
These past few weeks in preparation for the retirement and the move, have been some of the hardest moments of my life.
Things have come and things have gone, opportunities have presented themselves and then been swiftly removed from under our feet, and I have found myself at a loss, stuck, wanting and wanting and not getting and not understanding why.
I have seen the worst in myself, been torn down and pushed to the limit, been tested and asked by God "are you really trusting of my timing?"...."are you sure that you have faith in me to do what I think is best for you, even if it's not what you had in mind?".
I'm going to be completely honest with you. The answer to both of those has been no on quite a few occasions. It's been embarrassing for myself to realize that I really am not quite the faithful, trusting child of God that I thought I was. Again, it goes back to the whole *easier said than done* issue.
Our plans of buying a home have been officially put aside for the moment. I would like to say that I accepted it graciously and that I didn't complain once, but I would be lying because I did throw quite the tantrum at first, and I fought God every step of the way in the first few weeks.
I'm slowly and I emphasize, very slowly coming around to being the Christian and the woman of God that I want to be.
It's been a painstakingly hard process, some very tough decisions had to be made, some equally tough lessons had to be learned, but I am extremely blessed to have a husband who loves God as much as I do and who has held my hand through all of this, allowed me to hold his and together we've grown in Christ. And for that alone, and if for nothing else, I am so thankful for what we've been through.
The truth is that we tend to get stuck in a certain pattern and when we see something we want, and key word is "WANT" not "NEED", we think that we're entitled to it, and we think that because we're Christians all we have to do is pray to God and He will give it to us, just because we asked.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that He answers our prayers and He WILL give us the things we ask for, but it's not always when we want them and sometimes it's not even the exact thing we were asking for. Knowing the difference and understanding it and accepting it, is by far one of the hardest hurdles any Christian can go through.
I can only speak from experience, of course, and from my own life, but I do so with the hopes that someone out there will read my words and have that light bulb moment of realizing that they are in a similar situation or have been in the same boat and know exactly what it feels like. Maybe, just maybe they will read this post and realize that it's not a lost cause, and that sometimes we have to go through these moments of sheer panic and desperation to get back on track with God.
I have been brought to my knees, I'm clung to the Bible and to His word, I've devoured devotional after devotional, I've cried, I've begged, I've stripped off all the layers of negativity and stubbornness and I've come through on the other side.
Better, with a stronger marriage than ever before, with renewed passion for life and well on my way to being that all trusting, full of faith child of God that I have wanted to be for so long.
It's been so hard, and I've stepped aside from the internet a bit, just so I could work on me, because I deserve it and I can't be there for anyone else if I'm not happy with myself.
But oh the feeling, the amazing feeling of contentment and joy, of knowing that everything is going to be just fine because He loves me and never leaves me.....there is nothing like it.
So thank you for all the prayers and the thoughts and the advice, truly, I wouldn't be able to make it through any of this without the continued support of family and friends.
I know this post has gone on quite long and I've probably lost a few of you along the way, but I felt compelled to write this. I almost didn't do it, started it, deleted, started again, wondered who would care about what I'm saying, but felt led to post it, so my hope is that it helped at least one person, maybe it was the message that you needed to hear today, who knows.
I do feel better for writing even though it's now 10pm and I really should be in bed resting, but that's ok, first things first right???
Have a blessed night my friends!