Sunday, March 6, 2016
What on earth am I doing???
There's moments where I feel like the worst mother in the world, as if nothing I do is right, as if I haven't taught them all they should know by now, or I'm messing things up so badly that they will never be productive and successful adults. And then I have to stop and remind myself that what I'm thinking, in that one moment of weakness, is nothing more than the little mom voice in my head creating doubts where there should be none. I have a girl who is about to turn 17 and a boy who is about to turn 13, and to me, they are the most amazing human beings on this earth.
When I try to talk to her and she back talks, rolls her eyes, tells me "I'm not talking about this right now", I sometimes want to grab her and shake the teenage attitude right out of her tiny body. When my son throws hormonal attitude my way like huge waves crashing on the beach, I want to look up at him and tell him that just because he towers over me, I'm STILL his mother and I can climb up his lanky body and deliver a smack like he's never felt before. But I don't, because believe it or not, I don't hit my children, I've never laid a hand on either of them....oh sure, when they were about 4 or 5 I slapped their behinds ONCE, but I've never felt that laying a hand on them was the answer to anything and certainly not a way to gain their respect.
So yeah, I've sometimes felt like I'm doing it all wrong and have questioned God on why he would think that entrusting me to take care of these children and raise them, and nurture them, was a good idea......but then things will happen that show me that I'm the right mom for them, and no one else would do. Their well being is the one thing on this earth that motivates me to get up every morning and try the best I can.
I suck at times, not gonna lie, and I'm far from a perfect mother, but when I look at them and see how smart they are, how funny they are, how they're home and not out doing drugs or drinking or hanging with the wrong crowd, I'm reminded that I actually did an OK job with these two, and that if OK produces such brilliant human beings, then I must be doing something right.
And in those times when that nagging little doubt creeps in and I start panicking about my job as a mom, a quick prayer shot up to the Lord, and a glass of wine bring me right back to reality