I want to start this post by letting you all know that I got my mammogram results, and everything is normal. Praise the Lord!!!
Your prayers and thoughts always help, so thank you so much for that :)
I know that some may find this whole thing silly in a way, but I've had issues since the age of 18, ultrasounds, call backs, more exams and imaging, fibrocystic breasts, pains and lumps and all sorts of things.
When that happens, a yearly breast exam done by my doctor, or my mammograms the past 3 years, become quite stressful and anxiety inducing. For me. Not everyone is the same, and I'm hoping that as the years go by, I reach a state of fearless, non worry filled and no anxiety being around this time of the year.
The past week has been one of full on anxiety for me, so much so, that praying continually all throughout the day, became my norm. It was the only thing that took away the edge of the anxiety and got me a little calmer. Rebuke it all in the name of Jesus, and that is what I did, over and over again.
Here's the frustrating part about anxiety, and let me start by telling you that my anxiety only showed up a few months ago, completely out of nowhere. I didn't really understand it, and what little I could get from it was through my daughter's daily battle with anxiety and depression....so in a way, my view and thoughts were always from an outside perspective.
When it hits you in the face and you're thrown into a full on anxiety attack, that is when you fully grasp how debilitating it can be.
Personally, I only really have Health related anxiety, meaning, any other situation in my life, no matter how scary or complicated, is met with calm, positivity and glass half full emotions.
Anything health related and more specifically breast related???
Forget it!!!
I will be talking to my doctor more on this, because I think a lot of it has to do with my hormones and possibly premenopause. There is a LOT, and I mean a LOT going on with my body the past year, many changes, hormonal issues, cycle issues and so on, so when I go for my yearly in 6 months, I'll be asking to have my hormones tested and really try to get an understanding of what is happening.
But this week, my anxiety was out of control, so I held onto the Lord tighter, read my bible and devotionals, prayed and prayed and prayed, rebuked and proclaimed my health and life to the Lord on a daily basis.
It was hard my friends, there were days that by the time I went to bed, I was mentally exhausted from the constant battle.
This morning when the nurse finally called me to tell me the results, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and the very first thing I did when I got off that phone was praise God, give all the glory and thanks to Him and make a reaffirmation of standing firm in my belief and not straying, not ever doubting His way, or my instincts (which by the way, have been telling me for the past 3 months that there is nothing wrong with me, while my anxiety laughed and told me I was fooling myself).
I kept busy, my Nicholas had his 15th birthday on Wednesday, and I baked him a cake, as I have always done the past 15 years.
I also took photos, went outside and sat in the fresh air, talked to family and friends, loved on my dog, made summer plans and pushed and pushed closer to God.
Because you know what hit me, especially this last week???
That this is my norm, this is what is normal for me now as a woman in my 40's and as many other amazing women out there, this is our lives. These tests, these exams and appointments that we subject ourselves to yearly, this is OUR normal, all of it, with the uncomfortable pains and the small talk during certain procedures, and the fear and anxiety while waiting for results.
And many of us will get called back and be subjected to other stress inducing tests, and then we will wait a while longer only to be told it's all fine and to come back and do it all again the following year.
Would it be easier to not go, to not get mammograms or breast exams, to not check for ourselves, or get the yearly pelvic exams and paps and all that stuff??? Oh absolutely, I don't think any of us enjoy this yearly ritual, but at least I know that I'm doing something proactive towards my health and being able to be around for years to come to enjoy my children and my husband.
I actually have it set up where I get my mammogram the beginning of the year, do my self exams at home every month after that, and then have my yearly Gynecologist exam six months later in the middle of the year.
And yes, this is my new norm since turning 40 and will be my life until the day I die. I can complain, fight it, get frustrated or whatever, or I can just accept it and do what I have to do not just for me, but for my family.
So I go into this weekend with a sense of relief and a renewed love for God, for putting up with me the past few days and never letting go, and I'm so glad he didn't because the relationship I have with Him at the moment, compared to the one I had with Him just a few months ago, is worth every fear, stress, worry and anxiety filled moment I went through......and why you may ask??
Because it taught me to trust implicitly and to let go and let Him take over, and that's not something I ever want to change, ever again :)
