I debated writing this post, mostly for the shame of what happened on Friday morning, and moreso because I am still kicking myself over this.
I have been driving for a very long time.
I've always been a very safe and cautious driver, mainly because I don't ever want to be pulled over by cops (just the thought of the lights in the rearview mirror, give me anxiety). So when I'm on the road, I go the speed limit, and only ever go maybe 2 miles above it. I often have people up my behind trying to get me to speed up and I don't budge, they can go around me if they want.
I've always prided myself on being a
*good girl*.
I never skipped school (
my brothers often did), I always turned in my homework, I was always early, unless I was super sick my parents wouldn't ever call in sick for me. Things usual people do on a day to day basis, I often steer clear of if I think in any way that it could get me on the wrong side of the law.
Law abiding citizen. That's what I've always pushed myself to be.
Then Friday morning it happened, my first ever speeding ticket. To say I'm ashamed of myself is an understatement, but then I've always been my toughest critic and can be quite harsh on myself over little things. I think the disappointment feeling is the worst, that and thinking that my children and husband would no longer look at me the same way.
I know, a little bit of a stretch there, but just to give you an idea of how horrible I feel and just where my emotions are at the minute.
You may be wondering why I'm sharing this, it's embarrassing and I could have just kept it all to myself, but if you've followed my blog for any amount of time, you know that I am an open book and I share my life quite willingly, here for you all.
I guess the first thing I have told myself is that although the speeding ticket is real and I did break the law, it wasn't done out on the roads or the highway. It was actually right at the base gate. Can you even believe that?
I will be completely honest and tell you that I don't think I was speeding, but again, being the good citizen I am, I wouldn't dare question an officer, so I just took what the base cop said and didn't even fight it or try to argue. I apologized profusely, told him I felt awful as I've never been in trouble before, and if I was indeed speeding I guess I must have been spaced out because I've never done that.
He said I was doing 27 in a 15. I don't know how. Truly, I don't. I turned into the base, and know that there is a 15 mph limit near the gate, but the thing is, the speed limit sign is not clear at all and unless you're specifically looking for it when you enter the base, you miss it. (I know, because after this happened I looked for it and so did my husband). And let's not mention the fact that the cop himself told me the limit is not clear and they catch people all the time.
Looking back, I guess they were on the lookout for anyone going over the limit, and I guess I was, there's no point in me denying it other than telling you I don't recall speeding (
there's really no room to even speed in the time it takes you to turn on to the base and reach the gate).
While I was waiting for him to write the ticket, another military person was pulled over going out of the base, and later another one coming in. Apparently they had just gotten a new ticketing system that day (that's what the cop told me). I don't know if they were trying it out and I unfortunately was at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Who knows.
I do recall that I texted my husband and was so worried that he would be upset with me. He wasn't, of course, he just wanted to know that I was ok.
My kids had a good laugh at my expense, they were shocked that goody two shoes mommy got into trouble.
As for me, absolutely shattered and no matter how many times people tell me it's ok, it's common, most drivers get at least one in their lives, just pay it and move on and whatever.....I can't help feeling the way I feel. It's making me not really want to get back on the road.
I will say one thing, my life has constantly been about learning lessons, and when this happened I asked God why, why me since I've always been so cautious and law abiding.....and the answer came almost immediately.
I needed to be knocked down a few pegs.
Let me explain.....since moving to Texas my driving has definitely changed, I'm not going to say I'm an aggressive driver, but I have had to learn to follow the masses or be in some serious trouble on these roads. That has turned me from a less than confident driver to more of an assertive one, but mostly I've gotten complacent and too use to being out on the highways and back and forth. This is just what I needed to snap me out of that complacency and remind me to be even more cautious, aware, alert and defensive when driving.
So I paid my fine (which was only $45 plus $30 processing fees) immediately after I got home, and I've chucked this experience up to a learning lesson.
Oh don't be fooled though, this happened Friday and I've been mulling it around my brain since then, still feeling poorly about it, trying to deal with a bit of anxiety thinking about having to get back on the road to drive again next week.
But like my husband said to me "
Why are you beating yourself up over this? Can you do anything to change what happened? No? Then let it go, you've learned your lesson".
And although this is no laughing matter, I may have chuckled a bit when my daughter proclaimed "
Wow mom, you're a criminal now, I never thought YOU of all people would be one."
The moral of the story?
Not a single one of us out here is perfect or immune to breaking laws. It doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human, and sometimes you inadvertently do something that will shake you to the core, but it is how you react to it and how you act and learn from it, going forward, that makes the difference.
I've apologized, to the cop, to my husband, to my children, and I do need to apologize to myself for being so critical the past few days, but above all I've apologize first and foremost to God, and I've asked for his forgiveness.
I also thanked him right then and there (while waiting for that ticket), for keeping me safe, for it being at the base gate and not downtown, for nice cops who were quite understanding and sweet knowing that I had never been in trouble before and for the fine not being exorbitant.
Now, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and move on, but boy was this a tough lesson to learn.
