May brings sad memories for me!

Image credit: Allposters

You know how there are some people that have a certain month they don't like? Maybe it's because they think they have no luck during that month or it reminds them of a sad moment in time?

For me it's the latter, it's the fact that since May of 2001, I have held this immense sadness inside me, this photographic memory of a certain place and time in my life when I lay in bed, crying in physical and emotional pain, begging God for an answer, a reason to why I was suffering.

Just a few weeks prior, at the end of April 2001, I had gotten confirmation of the one of the happiest moments in my life, I remember sitting in the bathroom with that pregnancy test and smiling, a huge grin spread across my face. I literally jumped for joy, this was it, this was our second child, it was just perfect, Jasmine was two years old and I thought the difference in age was just right.

But things weren't meant to be. I didn't know it at the time, but in just a few weeks I would be back in that same bathroom, sitting on that same toilet in shock, watching almost in an out of body experience like, as I lost that baby.

The pain that rips through you is unimaginable, it's nothing I could ever sit down and describe, I cried and I lashed out at God at first, I was so frustrated, why me? Why did this happen? I had done everything right but yet it didn't seem to work and I found myself blaming my body, after all I was supposed to have kept my child safe but I didn't. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming, no matter how many times the doctor said "It's not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it".

The worst part was the looks when people found out, or the unfeeling words from those that didn't quite know what to say but yet felt compelled to offer some kind of advice. But when you're going through a miscarriage, the LAST thing you want to hear is "it's for the best"....or "it just wasn't meant to be".

I used to sit there, bite my tongue and think "what the heck do you know about me and what is best or not?". It was the grief speaking, I was so blinded by it that I had no patience whatsoever for anyone.

I remember the first month I walked around in a fog, I cried every time I went to the bathroom, every time I wiped it was a reminder that I was wiping away what could have been. I would never get to hold this baby in my arms, to see him/her take their first steps, go to kindergarten, smile and laugh and call me mommy. That hurt, it still does to this day.

May just does that for me, I may be having the best of time, but when this month rolls around, the memories come flooding back and they hit me like a ton of bricks. Especially around Memorial Day, the day it happened. You learn to deal with it, but you never forget.

I didn't stay mad at God for too long, a few days at most before I quickly changed my tune and knew that I would never get through it without Him. So instead of turning away, I turned towards Him......I clutched my hand in His so tightly and let Him lead me through it.

I just knew deep inside that I would get pregnant again and have a perfectly beautiful and healthy baby, but little did I know that I would have to endure another miscarriage just a month later.

When it first happened again, I was in utter shock and the fact that it wasn't an easy straight forward miscarriage, just added to the pain. There was a D&C and ultrasounds and weekly blood tests and even a Methotraxate shot.....yes chemo.

So yes, May became that month for me.

Nowadays as painful as the memories are, I have to remind myself that I did lose two beautiful babies who are now in heaven, but if I had one or both, would my sweet handsome Nicholas be here? Things happen for a reason, I know that, obviously at the time I didn't want to hear it, all I wanted was for people to just support me and if they didn't know how to react or what to say, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss, will be praying for you" would have sufficed.

I'm not sure why I was led to write this post today, other than the fact that I'm feeling sad I felt a strong need to put it on the blog. Maybe it will help someone out there going through a miscarriage, maybe it will bring some comfort to someone, I don't know.

I do know that there are many women out there who have suffered miscarriages and my heart goes out to every single one of them, I only wish that when I went through it, I had blogging in my life, it may have helped a lot.

Slow Cooking Thursday

Don't forget to add your name to Mr Linky and a link back to your SCT post so others can come by and see your recipe too.

As always, share your slow cooking recipes but if you REALLY REALLY don't have one and still want to participate, then you can share any kind of recipe.

Red Wine & Rosemary Pot Roast

3-lb boneless pot roast
¾-tsp salt
¾-tsp pepper
2-tbsp vegetable oil
3-cloves garlic, minced
4-onions, quartered
1-cup beef stock
1-cup tomato juice
1-cup dry red wine
2-tsp crumbled dried rosemary
3-tbsp all-purpose flour
2-tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Sprinkle beef with salt & pepper
In a large Dutch oven, heat oil medium-high heat
Brown meat all over and transfer to plate
Drain fat from pot
Fry garlic and onions over medium heat stirring occasionally until soft, about 4 minutes
Add stock, tomato juice, wine and rosemary, stirring and scraping up brown bits from bottom
Pour into slow cooker
Add beef to slow cooker
Cover and cook on low for 10 hours until meat is tender
Transfer meat to cutting board and tent with foil; let stand 10 minutes
Thinly slice the beef across the grain and arrange on a platter
Cover and keep warm
Meanwhile, whisk flour with ¼-cup water
Whisk into slow cooker
Cover and cook on high for 15 minutes or until thickened
Stir in parsley
Serve with beef

Makes 8 servings

Reading and Relaxing!

The past few days I've been trying to catch up on reading, I go through phases where I either read constantly, every day, a few books at a time....or.....I don't read for months on end.

That's where I'm at right now, in that in between stage where I'm craving a good book and the smell of the pages (please tell me you smell books too or I'll forever feel like a freak of some kind). So that's what I'm doing, I am still enjoying the pioneer books but I also have two others that I need to review.

One of them is the new Double Daring Book for Girls, I'll have a post up next week and I'm going to throw down the gauntlet, I'll be challenging some of you to join me and play along, trying this or that project from the book. Oh don't worry, it won't be anything that out there or impossible to do....maybe I'll make you tie a sarong and take a pic to share with the blogging community. LOL Only NOT!

I've also realized that I've had the same Netflix movies sitting on my DVD player for the past, oh, month at least? Thank God for no late fees, but I guess I should get around to watching them, maybe tonight after American Idol.

And can I just say while on that subject, that maybe I'm the odd ball around but I can't stand Adam? I think he's a great performer for the Theatre or Broadway but I just can't take the screeching he does. It's a little too much. Feel free to throw tomatoes at me, I know most of America thinks he's amazing, along with some of the judges who coddle him so much it's nauseating. LOL

Now that I got that off my chest, I think I'll go back to my books, but before I leave I want you to tell me what book you're reading right now or just finished, tell me which one I absolutely need to read this summer.

And if there's an author that you think I will enjoy, let me know, I'm trying to make a list for my Summer Reading.

Well Hello there.....

Come on in out of the sun, it's a scorcher out there. Of course that's for us folks here in Arizona, I'm not sure how the weather is going for you all in the other states, but here? Goodness gracious, I'm already hating stepping outside the door.

So anyway, it's Monday afternoon and here soon I'll have to start fixing dinner, but I thought I would stop in first and do a little post on this ol' blog of mine. I feel like lately I've been sorta, kinda, maybe neglecting it a bit, not intentionally, mind you, but life has just been happening around me and I have to attend to it.

I mentioned earlier in my Happy Homemaker Monday post that there's sickies in the house again, but it's actually not that bad. Curt got sick with a cold for about a day or two but he's fine now...Jasmine just has an ear infection, which is so weird because if you remember correctly, 3 weeks ago she had one in her left ear and strep throat. Now it's her right ear....oh and let me tell you something, when the doctor says "come here let me show you", just think twice.

I am all for being educated and learning new things and I'm glad I did look into her ear because it's absolutely fascinating to me, but in another way I thought, gross, with a capital G.
I wonder if it's easier just not knowing what our insides look like, I mean...really?!?!?!

It started yesterday afternoon with her saying she couldn't hear out of that ear, she could hear her heart beating through it and it felt blocked like when you're on an airplane. By this morning she continued complaining and as much as I don't want to be that mom that runs to the doctor for every little thing, I don't like playing with ears and infections, those can become quite serious if not taken care of.....after seeing what it looks like, boy am I glad I took her in.

The doctor prescribed Amoxicillin but told me to hold off on it for two days, to use just the drops he's giving me and the motrin and see if it clears up on it's own, if it doesn't then start her on the antibiotics. We both feel it's better not to just give her another dose of antibiotics seeing as she was just on some 3 weeks ago, UNLESS, absolutely necessary.

She's doing fine though, unfortunately, we had to walk to pick up Nicholas from school and being outside just hurt her ear, she's in bed now trying to get some rest and complaining of ear ache, poor kid. Bring on the summer already, we're sick of this.

Now the weekend....oh the weekend, where to begin. Maybe with the fact that it was not exactly how we had planned it. See in the Air Force if a Jet breaks down, it has to get fixed...THAT day, come rain or shine, snow or a tornado, whether it's flying or not, weekend or week day, Mother's Day or other special day.....so it went. The kids were beyond frustrated because Curt works swing shift which like I've talked about before, he goes in at around 2pm and doesn't get home until late, very late, sometimes 2 or 3 am, which means the only time he sees the kids is on the weekends.

Well when the weekend rolled around, he was stuck at work for 13 hours on Saturday and 12 hours on Sunday, fixing Jets. My first reaction on Sunday was to get really irritated, I thought "you have to be kidding me, it's Mother's Day" but then I had to remind myself that this is Par for the Course.

Curt woke up extra early yesterday, made me a wonderful breakfast and I had all these sweet gifts waiting for me on the kitchen table. It was his way of making it up for me somehow for the fact that he wouldn't be here. He's such a wonderful husband.

Let me show you how well my family knows me, and before I do, let me just say, I don't like expensive gifts and jewelry and such, I'm extremely easy to buy for and everytime I get gifts from my family, I'm reminded of how well they know me.

Am I the only one who could spend hours playing The Sims? *snicker* I don't know if it's the fact that I can make a family and decorate a home and play them, it's the whole housekeeping thing in me, I can have veggie gardens and beautiful flowers LOL

And he got me Kahlua, for my Kahlua Don Pedro's....some vanilla ice cream, a little bit of milk, a shot of Kahlua and mix it all up in the blender. YUM!

My kids, they know my love for chocolate AND coffee....and not just any coffee but the Godiva Creme Brulee. Yum is not even enough to describe it, you have to try it.

Some of the cards from the kids, they are so sweet :)

This just cracked me up, I couldn't stop laughing. I had this gift from the Pugs....yes from the Pugs and the card was the funniest thing ever.....and of course some Calgon bath products.

Beautiful flowers.....

And lastly, yesterday afternoon, the kids and I stepped out into the front yard for a few minutes, just to get some fresh air and enjoy the afternoon breeze.

This little cat is constantly around the houses here in the neighborhood, I'm not sure if it belongs to someone or if it's a stray and truth be told I'm not going near it. I'm allergic to cats to the point where the cat came up to me and just rubbed itself on my leg and that was enough to make my nose start itching and my eyes watering.....look, I'm not a cat person but I can admire a pretty animal, so I grabbed the camera and just snapped some pics. From a distance LOL

So there you go, a peek at my exciting life. Oh and I almost forgot *snicker.

My car has decided to not even start for me, so until this coming weekend when we plan on getting it fixed (because Curt was stuck at work, therefore not getting to my car), I am driving the kids to school in Curt's big ole truck and walking in the afternoon's. You should see me coming down the street in that huge thing LOL

It's like driving a bus, good grief.

Alright, I have to get on out of here, I'm supposed to be making Salisbury Steak for dinner, but the kids have requested Grilled Cheese and Ham sandwiches with Zestie Cheesy Fries....so that's what we're having.

Have yourselves a wonderful Monday, stay out of the sun, stay in from the cold and I'll see you back here tomorrow.

Happy Homemaker Monday!

On my bedside table:
Knit Two
Two books for reviewing on the blog


On my TV:
Dancing with the Stars
Paranormal State


On the menu for tonight:
Salisbury Steak, Salad


On my To Do List:
Take Jasmine to the doctor this morning, she's complaining of ear ache
Iron 3 loads of laundry and put away



New Recipe I tried last week:
No new recipe, just revisited an old favorite..... Ham and Cheese Chicken Rolls


In the craft basket:
Summer Skirts


Looking forward to:
Summer break in less than two weeks.....can't wait.


Homemaking Tip for this week:
When the kids come home from school, I immediately go through their backpacks, throw out any junk, put aside what is to keep, and sign any letters or notes that need to be returned. I pack Nicholas' snack and his folder back into the backpack and set both backpacks near the front door.
Saves a lot of time when we're running around in the morning.


Favorite Blog Post of the week (mine or other):
I loved my mother's hands by 4 Reluctant Entertainers...what a sweet post.


Favorite photo from last week:

Lesson learned the past few days:
That even with all the sanitizing and disinfecting I've done lately, there will still be sickies. Curt caught whatever we had and is sick with a cold, and somehow Jasmine is complaining of an ear ache and is off to the doctor this morning.

I think the biggest lesson for me has been to let go, do my part and then just go with the flow when things happen and not make a big stink about the fact that I can't control who gets sick and who feels this or that.


On my Prayer List:
My family
Troops


Devotionals, Scripture Reading, Key Verses:

“For where two or three have gathered together in My name,
I am there in their midst.” Matthew 18:20 (NAS)