I've done my fair share of crying, of asking why, of getting upset, of seeing just the bad in the area we live in.
And then came the moment where I realized that what matters is being in the moment.
God doesn't expect me to love everything I'm doing, or everywhere I am. What a revelation that was to me. Almost five years of wasted time, complaining, whining and stating that this sucks, that this place is not what I want, when can we leave, I can't wait until we're gone.
It's frozen me in time, so to speak.
I never really allowed myself to look around and to just be in the moment, to find the beauty in certain things, to allow myself to be truly content.
But as my journey to a closer relationship with God, has progressed, I've seen many changes in the way I see things and this week, for the first time in almost 5 years, I have allowed myself to look around me and to really take in God's work before me.
We've been doing State Testing, which means every day this week we have had to drive the kids to a location not too far from where we live, but it seems like a world away now that I've opened my eyes.
The kind of greenery that I dream of living in......
Farming, crops, mountains in the distance
A ranch surrounded by white fencing, with a barn or two
and an orchard filled with all different kinds of fruit tree.
I envision myself walking between them, reaching up to grab an apple, or lugging a big basket full home to make a homemade apple pie.
And it's still a dream of mine, which may never come to fruition but it doesn't hurt to think and imagine.
What I've found though, the past week, as we have driven by these fields, surrounded by the deepest blue of the sky, the warmth of the sun and the activity of field life, is that I really am where I'm supposed to be for the moment.
I'm supposed to see all of this and to take it in, to soak in the beauty amongst the thorns, the brown, the desert and the stuff that I don't like.
Because for now, I am willing to accept it and to live vicariously through these moments. I can drive by these white fences and imagine that I'm driving by my own property.
Oh I could continue to dislike it all and to pray for orders out of here, but how tiring is that? So much energy wasted. I think I've learned an important lesson. Stop, take time to breathe, accept your surroundings and be really content with what you have. I think I'm finally there and I think the Father above is smiling down on me, proud that His child is finally GETTING IT! :)