It's one of those days for me, where I look around the house and miss the scattered toys all over the floor, the little lego pieces, the binkies and the milk bottles innocently discarded on a pile of toys.
My kids are no longer littles and while I'm fine with that, for the most part, there are days that I just miss their toddler selves so very much.
Today is one of those.
You know what I miss the most? Feeling like I was needed all the time, fixing them their meals, giving them a bath and then slathering them in baby lotion, holding them in my arms as I rock them to sleep, taking them to the park, watching them ride the cute little animal rides outside the grocery store, or seeing their eyes light up with a toy from their kid's meal.
Those days are long gone, and I mean long gone, years have passed since I was able to do any of that with them.
I love who they are now, I love how independent they have become, they take care of themselves, fix their own breakfast and lunch, and even carry me around the house, and that is all great, and I wouldn't have it any other way because after all, it's part of their journey and I get to go on it with them.
But....my daughter has now been in a relationship for over a year, my son is 12 and taller than me and almost taller than his dad, and both my kids can carry me around the house. Where did time go?
When they are little we spend so much time thinking about how we would like them to get bigger so they can do things for themselves, that I feel that many times we don't quite enjoy the moment, not until it's too late and we can't have it back.
Oh goodness, don't mind me, I'm in a very weird nostalgic mood, what can I say.
I guess a few things brought on this mood. For one, the changing of the leaves which reminded me of how quickly life changes and how quick the seasons are upon us, and just when we think we're getting used to one season another one comes along.
I kind of look at my kids lives as seasons, because now we're in the teenager years and before I can get quite used to this one they will be heading to college, and when I get used to that one, they will come home and announce they're getting married and then children and so on and so forth.
I do consider myself extremely blessed to enjoying all these moments of their lives, albeit at times bitter sweet, but it's what makes us whole and it's what makes life worth living.
Another reason for this mood, is that October is the month my second baby in Heaven would have been due. If you didn't know, I did suffer two miscarriages back in 2001 and I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about them. You learn to live with the pain, you never get over it.
Today is also the National Day for Remembering our Babies.....Pregnancy and Infant Loss.
Tonight I'll be lighting two candles for both of my babies in Heaven.
I'm so thankful that I do have two beautiful, gorgeous children still on this earth with me and no matter how nostalgic or sad I may feel at times, I treasure every single moment, of every day that they are in my presence.
Guess that's life though right?
We can allow ourselves to feel the sadness and the pain but we shouldn't let it rule us.
So yeah, I may not have little toddlers anymore and the baby bottles may have been replaced by tall mugs of soda but in turn I got 2 amazingly smart teenagers who stun me with their brains and their humor. I'll take it :)