{ Plodding along with my Bible }

I used to watch my friends just pick up their Bibles and read, and enjoy every bit of it.  I even hate saying that because it sounds like I think the Bible is boring, it's not.  But, I did find it so difficult to read and understand, and especially the Old Testament, for me, was so hard to get through.

 

You know when you're reading something but your mind is elsewhere, or it starts drifting?  That was me.

Two years ago, God brought me to my knees.  I was hit with a bout of anxiety, that came out of nowhere.  I have never suffered from depression or anxiety, so when I found myself in the middle of it, I honestly felt like there was no way out and I couldn't stop my mind from going full speed.

 

This went on for a month.  It was a daily battle within my mind to rebuke the enemy, rebuke the fear and the thoughts that clouded my mind, and to just hold on to the Lord.

If you suffer from anxiety, you know exactly what I'm referring to.  It becomes a yelling match inside your head.  You say one thing and your brain immediately says another.  I believe that the enemy attacks us where he feels we are weakest, and for me, I noticed that the minute I went into perimenopause, I started becoming quite fearful of my health.  Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't control the way my hormones were making me feel, but goodness, health anxiety was staring me in the face and not budging.

It last a month.

Until one morning when I dropped to my knees in my bedroom, clasped my hands together and through ugly sobs, asked God to help me.  I gave it all to Him in that moment and asked Him to remove this craziness that was invading my mind and paralyzing me in fear.

I made the decision to open my Bible and start reading.  I also opened my Bible app, picked a handful of devotionals and said "no matter how I am feeling, I will force myself to read the Bible and a devotional every.single.night."

 

 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not kidding you!

 

Some are probably saying or thinking, "how dramatic, it can't have been that bad?".

 

Actually, yes, yes it was.  It was so difficult to stick with.  The first 2 weeks was a battle.  I would go through my day battling the thoughts in my mind.

It went something like this:

"There is nothing wrong with you, you are fine."

"You keep telling yourself that, I mean you do what you gotta do to get you through the day."

"No, I know nothing is wrong, I've been to the doctor, everything is fine".

"What if the doctor was wrong?  Sometimes they get it wrong, something is not right".

My internal dialogue went something like this, all day long.  It was utterly exhausting. 

I have always had a very good instinct, since I was a child.  No matter what goes on around me, that little voice inside is never wrong.  

 

So try telling yourself to trust that word, because you've always trusted it and it was never wrong, and then turning right around and saying to yourself "you're just saying that to make yourself feel better, your instinct is wrong this time."

 

So all day the battle raged on, so much so that by the time I got into bed at night I was so exhausted, that I would try to read the Bible and fall asleep, wake up, keep reading, fall asleep, wake up, etc.  

But I forced myself to read through that chapter, and I forced myself to read the devotional.  Within 2 weeks, my anxiety had dissipated, and my faith was growing and pushing through the fear.

 

That was 2 years ago. That anxiety filled month, was needed for me to grow in my faith, to wake up, to open my Bible again and to start walking daily with God.

 

It was the best decision I have ever made.  All the obstacles that have come my way since then, all the trials, the tribulations that I have faced either alone or as a couple with my husband, have been so much easier to go through because of the tools that God has instilled in me.

 

I wasn't reading the Bible in any order, I was just picking it up and jumping back and forth through the books.  However, this past June, in 2020, I picked it up and opened to Genesis.  I was thinking that within a day or two I was going to get bored or find it hard, because it can be quite dry reading especially the first few books with all the laws and names.

 

However, I found that I not only enjoyed it but couldn't wait to pick it up the next day.  

 

I have moved through all the books in the Old Testament and am now in Jeremiah, and I couldn't be prouder of myself for sticking with it and making it a point to read every single day.  I find that I can't really start or end my day well if I don't read the Bible that day.  Even if I'm falling asleep at night, I force myself to sit up and read at least one chapter.

 

I do the same with my devotionals. Read one every day and don't feel right when I haven't done it. 

 

And so I encourage you, if you are struggling with anything in life right now, open your Bible, open the word, read, it doesn't matter where you're reading, just read.  It is like eating when you're hungry, but you're feeding your soul and building your faith.

 

I would love to hear if any of you have a set Bible reading plan, or if you read it in a specific order.  Do you read it every day or only when you are feeling like you need God's help with something?

{ Dense fog, a new Bible and devotional }

There is beauty in everything!

Fog is often thought of as scary, dark, dreary and usually used in horror movies, or movies to show impending doom.  While that description might be true, to a certain extent, I find foggy mornings to be one of the most beautiful.  Right up there with Spring mornings when the sun is is just rising and bathes the land in a golden glow.

I can't say that I particularly enjoy driving in dense fog, but to look at, there's nothing quite like it.

We woke up this morning to some dense fog.  Cold as it was, I slipped on my robe and stepped outside with my camera in hand.  I believe that we need to enjoy every aspect of our lives, every moment, every day, every season, for they all bring beauty in their own simple ways.

Pottering around the house on days like these, is quite possibly my most enjoyed moments.  I rely on the light flickering from candles or a simple warmer in the corner of a room, bringing soft light but also a sweet fragrance to the air.

I'll usually put on a documentary on my laptop, or a turn to a playlist on Spotify, something medieval, or instrumental.  Soft tunes that will blend right in with the slow rhythm of the day.

I have been in deep thought since the year turned to 2020.

There is so much going on around the world, in our own backyards and even inside our four walls.  I have prayed, I have talked, questioned and given it all to the God.

Maybe it's the beginning of a new year, or maybe it's the winter season, whatever it is, it is all that is needed to get my thoughts going.

Most times they are consumed by daily tasks, whatever I have going on that day, what needs doing, am I forgetting something, do I have dinner under way, what time do I need to pick up Jasmine from work, is Nick getting all his lessons finished in time?

But there are times where my thoughts go deeper, deeper into what I don't like about myself, what I wish was different, what I want to change or what I want to focus on bettering.  In those moments I turn to God, but I also take a walk down memory lane and start thinking about my great grandmother and the kind of woman she was.

She was not a religious woman, she didn't attend church, but she prayed daily, had a very strong faith and devotion to God, and above all, a love for her family.  There are numerous things I admire in her and wish to emulate but there are others that I want to expand on, especially the Christian side of her.

As I threw all these thoughts and wants at God's feet, asking Him to help me and give me a sign as to what I need to do, or should be doing, a thought came through loud and strong, repeatedly running through my mind.

Spend more time in my word.  Read my word.  Devote a moment each morning to Me and I will set your mind at ease.

So I am listening and I'm going to start doing just that.  It won't be easy at first, it is all about creating habits and as you know it takes about 21 days for a habit to be created.  My issue is not even so much feeling like I can't do it, and I certainly don't have a problem reading my devotional.  My problem comes in reading the Bible.

You may not know this about me, but I have always struggled to read it, especially the old testament.  I find it extremely dry and difficult to read, too many names and explanations, things that don't keep my interest for long.  I've struggled and I've hated struggling with it, because I want nothing more than to be one of those faightfully strong women who read their bible and understand it.

I've never quite known where to start, so I did a big of digging around, 4 books in the bible seem to be the most commonly recommended, for someone who is starting from scratch.

John, Romans, Psalms and Proverbs

I've put it off long enough, I am opening the book of John today and not looking back.

I am fully aware that this is going to be a life changing journey, and I don't quite know what I will learn from it, but the thought of drawing closer to God is all I need to get me going.

So I'm here to tell you, if you're wanting to start on this journey too, don't hold back, buy that new bible, pick up the new devotional and just start reading.