I'm sure many of you will understand what I'm thinking at the moment, what I'm feeling, the questions, the fears and all that. I'm also pretty sure some of you won't and that's a good thing, because this is not something I would wish on anyone.
As you all know I went for my yearly mammogram last week. Unfortunately my hospital doesn't give me the results right away, they send it to my doctor and then if something is wrong they will contact me and have me go in for a second mammogram.
I hadn't heard anything until this morning when I got the dreaded phone call which stopped me right in my tracks, I didn't even want to answer because I knew what it was going to be.
I guess the good thing is that they didn't say they found something and needed me in right away. But, I was told that it was incomplete and that the radiologist needs me to come in for a second mammogram to my right breast so they can get a clearer picture of one of the areas. She followed it up by saying that it doesn't mean it's something serious, it just means they need a clearer picture of that breast. They will do a mammogram and if need be, an ultrasound as well.
When I was 18 years old, I found a lump on my right breast (surprise surprise). My doctor sent me for a mammogram and at the time they couldn't really see well either, so they had me do an ultrasound and it came back that it was fibroids. It's something I've deal with my whole life, my mother has them and often gets very lumpy breasts which need to sometimes be aspirated.
After I had my daughter, one of the first yearly exams I had, my doctor thought he had felt something on my right breast (again surprise surprise), so he had me go in for a second opinion. I was 25, and they told me the chance of it being anything serious was minimal, and after checking it was fine. Again, fibroids.
I knew that the chances of getting called back were high for me. My breasts are dense, like I said, get lumpy during that time of the month and swell up and so on. It's the reason why I opted for the 3D mammograms which are a lot better than the usual mammogram, and the chances of getting called back are not as huge as with the other normal mammogram.
Getting that phone call today knocked the wind out of me. I am not even going to lie, I went into panic mode because this has always been the one thing that has scared me to death. My mind goes to the worst case scenario, I start thinking the worst, and worrying myself sick. I was a total mess by the time I got off the phone with the lady.
After talking to my daughter, to my sister in law, to my niece and my husband, I've finally started calming down.
- I allowed myself to cry and to panic and to worry and to get that initial shock out of my system.
- I calmed down, I hit the ground and I prayed.
- I have not asked why, it's not for me to ask, it's not even for me to know.
- I have tried to put it out of my mind and to force myself to be rational and realistic.
- I posted about it on Facebook, to ask for prayers mainly because I need to stop worrying and need to think clearly and logically.
- After reading so many of my friend's comments (some of you here too who are friends on facebook as well), and realizing that this quite common and it does happen, especially when you have dense breasts, I've calmed down a lot.
I don't know what is going to happen. I've felt an overwhelming sense of calm come over me, almost like I can hear God saying "you're going to be fine, stop worrying".
Way I see it is, I won't know until next week Thursday, what is going to happen or what is wrong, if anything is wrong. If nothing is wrong, then I went through a scare, and maybe I needed to go through it to learn an important lesson.
If something is wrong, then I will face it and deal with it and again, learn an important lesson.
One thing is for sure, I have an amazing support system, family and friends who will not let me fall, who will be there no matter what. People who tell me when I'm overreacting, people who tell me when I'm not thinking clearly, people who tell me that I'm loved, people who tell me I'm making a big deal and getting worked up without needing to right now.
I think the biggest thing for me is the fact that this has always been my biggest fear, so when the phone rang and I saw that it was the Women's Clinic, it came true in a sort of way and took me completely by surprise.
Look, I have no idea what this means, what any of it means or what is coming my way. But, I do know that no matter what, it's going to be placed in God's hands. I'm not going to allow the devil to steal my joy for the next week, to make me doubt, to make second guess God or my faith. I'm going to leave it and go with the flow.....no matter what.
I do appreciate any and all prayers, and I'm not even asking for it not to be something or whatever, I'm just needing prayers to not panic, to stay calm and to let it go and let God. That's it!!!
Whatever happens, when I go to my appointment, I'll certainly let you all know, I promise. :)
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and talk this through. It really does help to type it out and get it out of my mind.
Have a wonderful Tuesday and I'll be back tomorrow with a much nicer post :)