{ Plodding along with my Bible }

I used to watch my friends just pick up their Bibles and read, and enjoy every bit of it.  I even hate saying that because it sounds like I think the Bible is boring, it's not.  But, I did find it so difficult to read and understand, and especially the Old Testament, for me, was so hard to get through.

 

You know when you're reading something but your mind is elsewhere, or it starts drifting?  That was me.

Two years ago, God brought me to my knees.  I was hit with a bout of anxiety, that came out of nowhere.  I have never suffered from depression or anxiety, so when I found myself in the middle of it, I honestly felt like there was no way out and I couldn't stop my mind from going full speed.

 

This went on for a month.  It was a daily battle within my mind to rebuke the enemy, rebuke the fear and the thoughts that clouded my mind, and to just hold on to the Lord.

If you suffer from anxiety, you know exactly what I'm referring to.  It becomes a yelling match inside your head.  You say one thing and your brain immediately says another.  I believe that the enemy attacks us where he feels we are weakest, and for me, I noticed that the minute I went into perimenopause, I started becoming quite fearful of my health.  Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't control the way my hormones were making me feel, but goodness, health anxiety was staring me in the face and not budging.

It last a month.

Until one morning when I dropped to my knees in my bedroom, clasped my hands together and through ugly sobs, asked God to help me.  I gave it all to Him in that moment and asked Him to remove this craziness that was invading my mind and paralyzing me in fear.

I made the decision to open my Bible and start reading.  I also opened my Bible app, picked a handful of devotionals and said "no matter how I am feeling, I will force myself to read the Bible and a devotional every.single.night."

 

 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not kidding you!

 

Some are probably saying or thinking, "how dramatic, it can't have been that bad?".

 

Actually, yes, yes it was.  It was so difficult to stick with.  The first 2 weeks was a battle.  I would go through my day battling the thoughts in my mind.

It went something like this:

"There is nothing wrong with you, you are fine."

"You keep telling yourself that, I mean you do what you gotta do to get you through the day."

"No, I know nothing is wrong, I've been to the doctor, everything is fine".

"What if the doctor was wrong?  Sometimes they get it wrong, something is not right".

My internal dialogue went something like this, all day long.  It was utterly exhausting. 

I have always had a very good instinct, since I was a child.  No matter what goes on around me, that little voice inside is never wrong.  

 

So try telling yourself to trust that word, because you've always trusted it and it was never wrong, and then turning right around and saying to yourself "you're just saying that to make yourself feel better, your instinct is wrong this time."

 

So all day the battle raged on, so much so that by the time I got into bed at night I was so exhausted, that I would try to read the Bible and fall asleep, wake up, keep reading, fall asleep, wake up, etc.  

But I forced myself to read through that chapter, and I forced myself to read the devotional.  Within 2 weeks, my anxiety had dissipated, and my faith was growing and pushing through the fear.

 

That was 2 years ago. That anxiety filled month, was needed for me to grow in my faith, to wake up, to open my Bible again and to start walking daily with God.

 

It was the best decision I have ever made.  All the obstacles that have come my way since then, all the trials, the tribulations that I have faced either alone or as a couple with my husband, have been so much easier to go through because of the tools that God has instilled in me.

 

I wasn't reading the Bible in any order, I was just picking it up and jumping back and forth through the books.  However, this past June, in 2020, I picked it up and opened to Genesis.  I was thinking that within a day or two I was going to get bored or find it hard, because it can be quite dry reading especially the first few books with all the laws and names.

 

However, I found that I not only enjoyed it but couldn't wait to pick it up the next day.  

 

I have moved through all the books in the Old Testament and am now in Jeremiah, and I couldn't be prouder of myself for sticking with it and making it a point to read every single day.  I find that I can't really start or end my day well if I don't read the Bible that day.  Even if I'm falling asleep at night, I force myself to sit up and read at least one chapter.

 

I do the same with my devotionals. Read one every day and don't feel right when I haven't done it. 

 

And so I encourage you, if you are struggling with anything in life right now, open your Bible, open the word, read, it doesn't matter where you're reading, just read.  It is like eating when you're hungry, but you're feeding your soul and building your faith.

 

I would love to hear if any of you have a set Bible reading plan, or if you read it in a specific order.  Do you read it every day or only when you are feeling like you need God's help with something?