{ And then it happened }

My day was your typical Sunday, chores, laundry, dishes and pottering around the house.  I cleaned out two of our hallway closets and moved some things around.  In doing so I found my box with all my African decorations.

{ The Shift from mom of littles, to mom of grown kids }

Good morning everyone, come on in and sit with me a bit, I want to talk to you.  I really need to get some things off my chest and I also want some advice and suggestions, from those mommas out there who have gone through it or are going through it at the moment.

The IT I'm talking about, is the shift from being a mom of little kids who need me all the time, who keep me busy and constantly on the go without a moment to myself......to a mom of one adult and one teenager who no longer need me for the basic things in the day.

I'm struggling.

The past few weeks I've had a really hard time discerning who I am, what I like, what I want to do going forward and how to deal with all these feelings and emotions.

I know the basic gist of it.  Find a hobby, get a part time job, take up some classes or something that interest you.

Yes, yes, and yes, that's all good advice and I will look into all of that, but until that happens, I want to talk about the emotions and the feelings that rush over us when we first realize that this is it.  Things have changed and we are now left wondering what to do with yourselves.

If you were to ask me who I am, the quickest response out of my mouth would be "a mom and housewife.".

No, but really, who am I beyond that?

And I'm stumped.  Absolutely, unequivocally stumped without so much as a thought to who I really am, what I like or what I want to do.  The easiest response right now would be "I am BORED".

I apologize in advance if this post seems all over the place, but I'm going to try and talk to you as if you were sitting across from me at the table, enjoying a cup of tea.  The words that will fly out of my keyboard and onto this page, are the words that are flying out of my mind, at turbo speed, with no sense and no real direction, just flying out and hanging there hoping that somehow a light goes off and guides me in the right direction.

For the past 18 years, I have a been a mom.  That's it.

I've chased little kids around, I've wiped runny noses, I've cleaned scraped knees, wiped butts, nursed sick babies, took kids to and from school, appointments, prepared meals, popped in kid shows to keep them busy, snuggled in bed, read stories and giggled at their funny antics.  That's it, that's who I've been and that's all I've known.

And now, Jasmine is an adult, Nicholas is 14 and I'm no longer needed.  To be brutally honest, I don't see my kids until about 3pm each day, and Nick I only see when he comes out of his bedroom to eat dinner or talk for a little, then he's back in his room with his video games.

They no longer ask me to prepare them meals, aside from dinner which I make for everyone.  They no longer request snacks, or ask me to get them a drink of water.  They don't need help starting a game on the computer, or finding something to watch on the TV.  They don't tell me if they are feeling unwell, they know what to take and what to do for themselves.

So for the most part, I spend the days by myself, and aside from it becoming extremely boring, I mean, after all the housework is done in the morning and then I'm left twiddling my thumbs....it's also become glaringly obvious that I'm alone, and not needed.

When did that happen?

This weekend, I actually broke down and cried.  We were all home, but hubby was in his office playing some video games and watching Netflix.  The kids were each in their rooms doing their own thing, and I was in the living room, sitting in the quiet, looking around and wondering just what the hell happened and what do I do with myself.  So I cried, I cried for the years when my kids were little and actually needed me, I cried because I felt so lonely, I cried because I'm confused and lost and I don't know what to do with myself, and I cried because I have no idea who I am.

I understand this is all normal, and don't get me wrong, I'm thankful and blessed to have reached this stage in my life.  My children are healthy, they are growing, they are going through all the normal phases of life and I too shall overcome this.

But for this moment, I'm so lost.   I truly feel a sense of loss, and it's so weird to me.

That sense of being needed and loved unconditionally by my two kids.  I've welcome each moment of success in their lives, each time they achieved something, each time they completed a step, so to speak.  From the first day of Kingergarten, to the first time they tied their shoes, the first time they made themselves breakfast, put themselves to sleep, learning how to drive and so forth.  But on the other hand, each time one of these things happened, I felt a twinge inside because I knew that each one of those meant one step closer to independence from me, one step closer to me being needed less. 

So I'm reaching out to you mommas out there, the ones who have grown children and have gone through this change and this shift from one chapter to the other.  Please tell me how to go about it without losing my mind, or reaching for the glass wine.

You know over the years, I've come to treasure each and every single one of you, you ladies have given me amazing support and advice over the years, and I know that you will guide me in the right direction.

I'm wondering, as well, if there are some good books that I can read, some you all can suggest?

This is a new chapter, and part of my journey, I just need to figure out how to move from here, how to find who I am, what I like, and then apply that and find a way to make my time worth it and meaningful.

I know that my children still need me, and always will, but not in the physical sense that I'm used to.  It's almost like having withdrawals from their younger years, when you've done something consistently for decades and then it's gone, it's quite a terrifying feeling.

When I look ahead, I see this.  An empty road stretching as far as the eye can see. 

I don't know what I'll figure out, I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm going to become or do, or where the road is taking me.  I guess in a way that can seem extremely terrifying, but if I choose to look at it through positive eyes, I see a blank canvas.  I can do whatever I want, I can make whatever I want, I can choose my path from here on out, so in a way it's exciting?  Now if I can just get my heart to connect with my brain and actually act out that excitement, everything will be good.

So yeah, here I am, at the crossroads of Shift Ville.  Which way to go, how to get over this bump, how to deal with my feelings, thoughts and emotions.  I'm hoping this is where you more experience bunch can help, maybe make this a little easier.

I'll get there on my own, eventually, it may just take some time.