Heart Broken!

Divorce is never easy!

Not for the couple involved, and certainly not for the children.  I have lived through it once before when my father divorced my mother, yes I was only 2 years old, but the ramifications are something that have stayed with me my entire life.

The finger pointing, the "you love that parent more than me" accusations and the constant feeling of sadness that you don't have your mother and father together.

My father remarried and he and my stepmother have been together for 37 years.

Today, we got the news that they are getting divorced.

It is like the floor has been pulled out from under me.  This month has been excruciatingly difficult, so many things gone wrong, so many issues, so many worries and this feels like the icing on a very sad and heart breaking cake.

Folks, to say that I am exhausted mentally, would be an understatement.

I don't know what to say, other than I feel extremely sad that this is happening, even though I know it is what is best for both my father and stepmother.  I love them both dearly and only want their happiness, and that unfortunately is something that has been missing for the past 4 years.

I am glad to see this come to an end....but on the other hand I can't help but be devastated at the news. 

So I cry.  I cry for what was, I cry for what has become and I cry for the good memories that I hold dear in my heart.  I also cry because I feel like I've been dealt this hand TWICE and I ask why?  But then I have to quickly remind myself of, why not?

I am not special, I don't get to go through life without ever been affected by bad things, and so I need to just get on with it, and get by as best as I can.

Some people say that divorce doesn't affect the children, especially when they are adults.  I beg to differ, because it does, it can't help but not to.

I think in a way being an adult and in my own marriage, it just makes me see things much clearer and able to understand where they are both coming from.  Still, there is the side of me that wishes this wasn't happening, you always want to see your mom and dad together, no matter how old you are.

Then there is the side of me that immediately thinks of my own marriage, and this serves as a reminder that no matter how much we love each other, the future is not set in stone and things can change drastically.



Maybe I'm just throwing things out as they pop in my head, maybe it's my weird way of dealing with the information or trying to make sense of it, or maybe I'm in denial.  I don't know what it is, I just know that I feel so absolutely out of place right now, in a lot of areas of my life, and I just wish I could see the end in sight.

I also have a doctors appointment coming up in the next few weeks and would really appreciate some prayers.

If you've read this far, I have to thank you because I do feel that I just blabbed all over the blog but I needed to get this out, so I apologize for the long, sad, mopey post.  I hope you forgive me.