Wednesday, April 22, 2009
He always knows best!
Yet for some unknown reason I still question and wonder and get frustrated and sometimes I downright demand answers from Him, as if I think I deserve anything with the attitude.
See it's always been a struggle for me, the whole control issue has been exhausted in my life and even on my blog, I've mentioned it quite a bit so you would think by this point in time I would be a pro, an expert at dealing with the Lord, a know it all and been through it all. Quite wrong actually, so this is why I'm writing this post today, in the hopes that others out there will share with me, and you, their personal experiences in a way to maybe get some insight and learn a lesson or two.
When Jasmine got sick again on Saturday I didn't think much of it, kids get sick all the time. Ok, MY kids seem to get sick all the time, but that's neither here nor there, the point is that I didn't really worry about it, until monday morning when the fever kept getting higher and she kept getting weaker and more miserable etc.
Then I stopped, and during my prayers, asked the Lord to please take the fever away, to make her better, to step in and heal her. Then I sat back with a stupid grin on my face and thanked Him for doing it.
Again, it's the control thing and the ignorance on my part, because no matter how many times I've heard the saying "all in His time" I still tend to think I have some special line to Him, that He will put everything and everyone else aside for my problems and issues. How ridiculously unfair and quite pathetic on my part....but you know, I'm human and I err and continually stumble and mess up. This is why I love my blog, because on here I can be ME, the real me, without hiding behind a facade or pretending to be something I'm not.
By Monday afternoon I began feeling extremely irritable, I couldn't understand why such a simple request for my child to be better, was not being answered. The truth is that it WAS, I was just too blinded by my need to have things done on MY time that I wasn't seeing anything else.
When Curt and I had to take her to Urgent Care yesterday I was beyond annoyed. Yes, I get annoyed at the Lord and anyone who says they don't, is lying....with me it doesn't last for long but there's that split second where I think "Come on, why are You not answering my prayers?"
I sat there with my little girl running a fever of 103.4, out of it, extremely sick and as I look down at her I felt helpless, like I had never felt in my entire life. That overpowering feeling of knowing that you've done everything you can but yet it's not enough, it's not up to you anymore. That's when I had that brief meltdown and inwardly told the Lord that I was really upset with Him.
But after being to the doctor, getting the antibiotics, coming home and now watching my girl starting to get better, it suddenly hit me.
He didn't ignore my prayers, Yes, he didn't take away the fever and make her all better when I asked him, but it doesn't mean He wasn't at work. He was. The proof is in the fact that any other time I would have kept doing what I was doing, giving the Motrin and doing the washcloths and the baths and the fluids and hoped that she would feel better. But I didn't, I scooped her up and took her to Urgent Care all the time questioning the Lord, wondering why I was having to go this far when it was nothing more than a cold.
Now I look back and think "You were right, You couldn't take the fever away on monday and just make it all go away, because she needed the antibiotics, she needed to have a doctor look at her and see that her ear is red and her throat is red and she's really sick".
And once again I was hit with the reality of it all. STOP trying to control things, STOP trying to tell the Lord what His timeline should be. Let go and Let God! So simple but yet so so hard for me to grasp. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever quite get it, I would like to think that one day I will but for now.....not quite there yet. Still stumbling, still learning.
What about you? I want to know if at any time you asked for something from the Lord and got irritated that it wasn't done when you wanted it, only to have it come to fruition at a later date and making you realize that it was for the best. That it really wouldn't have been the same or good if it had happened when you asked.
Won't you share with us?