I went for a haircut this morning.
I was trying to grow my hair out, thinking that I wanted to sport the long locks I used to have years and years ago, but truth be told, I guess either because I'm getting older or because I want easier or maybe even because I've grown and changed and don't like the things I used to.....I couldn't do it.
The long hair is just not me anymore, it's not the woman I've become and so, I headed out the door this morning to chop it all off and go back to shorter again.
One of the perks too is that with much shorter hair, it's easier to color and color I must for you see, I'm only about to turn 37 years old but my head is splattered with salt and pepper hair.
Distinguished, a sign of maturity, call it whatever you may, but I'm not ready to accept it yet, so every few weeks I attack it with a simple bottle of hair dye and at least for those moments I can con myself into believing that I have nary a white hair upon my head.
As I was snapping away with the camera, trying to capture the different angles of my hair cut, I was not aware of my expression in a lot of these photos.
I think this one captures me and who I am, pretty well.
I love fun, I love laughing but I'm guarded about who gets to see that side of me, it's always so close to the surface and yet hidden.
I spend a lot of time in deep thought, about my life, about my children, about the future and the past. I think I like thinking....HA!
And then I came across this one, as I was working on the photo processing in Photoshop, my first instinct was to grab the little bandaid icon and wipe away the lines on my face, the wrinkles I can already see, the imperfections that I tell myself are there.
And then I stopped. Dead in my tracks, and a single tear actually dripped down my cheek.
This is me folks, this is who I am and suddenly this song jumped to my mind:
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
And more tears followed because for the first time in my 36 years of life, I am seeing me as a woman, as a mother, as a wife and I think about everything that I've been through to get to this point in my life.
Some of the happiest moments when I married my husband, when I gave birth to my children...... some of the most heart wrenching, heart breaking dark times when I had two miscarriages, when I lost my wonderful greatgrandma and uncle and grandfathers and the current family situation going on......but everything that I've ever been through culminated in this woman above.
The wrinkles, the lines, the eyes which I've always thought are the window to the soul.
Why would I want to hide who I am? I know that sounds like I'm contradicting myself seeing as I go through such great lengths to cover the gray hairs, but to me, hair is one thing, face is another. Your face doesn't hide your emotions or who you are.
I don't want to hide behind a fake facade where with a stroke of Photoshop magic I am sporting the face of a 20 year old.
I don't want to forget everything I've felt in my 36 years of life.
I don't want people to think that I don't cry, that I don't have sad moments, that I don't get dark circles because I'm tired.
I want people to see me for who I am, wrinkles, flaws and imperfection....
I'm perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't want it any other way.