I've had a rough past few days, but I'm slowly coming around again. Yesterday I managed to get everything done and I managed to hold on to the Lord's hand, I didn't let go and neither did He....things ran smoothly and I had a pretty good day.
I didn't tell anyone what the real issue was, and I think that it's only fair that I do, I'm a pretty open person and don't mind sharing my thoughts and feelings.
For those who have read my blog for a while, you will know that I had two miscarriages in 2001. The funny thing is that though time may pass and it may divert your attention from it, it never leaves your mind or your heart. It's one of those incidents that forever stay ingrained in your mind and heart....and for the most part I do fine, I go on with my life, but there are some days that the smallest mundane thing will spark a memory and then it feels like I'm right back there, going through the emotional and the physical pain of the miscarriages.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that NOTHING I did caused them....because let's face it, and I'm speaking from my own experience, I always felt like it was MY job as the mom to make sure the babies were safe and healthy, so when I lost them it felt like a slap in the face, like I didn't do everything to protect them, I MUST have done something wrong, maybe I didn't eat healthy enough, maybe I pushed myself or maybe, maybe maybe maybe, it's that little word "maybe" that gets you.
I've learnt to handle the days that I'm feeling that way. I just ask God to help me through it and to stop the enemy from implanting these doubts and these if's and maybe's in my head, and then I can find the peace within myself to realize (yet again) that it's not my fault. I may never know the reason why it happened, I do know that if I had HAD those two babies, I wouldn't have Nicholas right now.....so that in a way brings me comfort, and just looking at him each day reminds me what a blessing and a miracle he really is....after the two miscarriages I didn't think I would ever be able to carry a baby to full term. It wasn't easy, I was high risk, I had bleeding, I had preterm labor a number of times and he had a decrease in his heart rate a couple times too due to the cord being tightly wound around his body. Guess that was his way of holding on and being determined to see it to the end :)
So that my dear friends is what I go through every once in a while, and when I do, my first reaction is to hide and withdraw, but I've also learnt to not allow myself to dwell on it. I allow myself to cry and get it out for a little but then "life must go on", I have another two beautiful children here with me and they need me to keep going. So I do, and that is why I thank you all for the prayers and words of encouragement, they really do mean a lot :)
I think I may have just set a record for myself, talking about ONE subject for quite a bit of my post, wow, that's something!!! :)
One thing I realize I haven't had a chance to do, was share the pictures of the kids in Halloween Costumes...I can't believe I haven't done that yet, I really HAVE been a little nutty haven't I??? LOL
Here ya go, I present Spiderman and Glamor Witch.
They were really happy that daddy got to go Trick or Treating with them, he was able to work something out with another co-worker so that they both were able to take an hour off to take their kids, isn't that sweet??
Since so many of you mentioned the Holiday Traditions post, I want to tell you that I've decided to redo it on monday the 6th, so mark your calendars and remember to come back and post your links, in the meantime I'm going to copy down the links of all the participants that already shared their traditions, and will link them again for you all, does that sound fair???
I'm sorry I did the meme at a time when there was so much stuff going on, but honestly, and in my defense, when I decided to do it I had no idea about half of the other meme's going on that week. But it doesn't matter, we'll redo it, and this way more people will get to participate and have a chance to read everyone's traditions :)
Well I need to get ready to pick up Jasmine from school. Oh btw, we had her Teacher Conference yesterday and she is doing awesome at school, the teacher loves her and says she's an extremely smart girl, she's reading at a fourth grade level and is still getting 3's in everything...we're so proud of her. :)
You know what I wish??? That I could transmit smell over the computer because right now I have my Smoky Flavored BBQ Ribs cooking in the crockpot, and OH.MY. GOODNESS, they smell divine, enough to wake up hubby and have him come looking for them LOL
I'm out of here, I hope you all have a wonderful friday and I'll see you back here tomorrow for my Five Senses Saturday :)
Smoky Flavored BBQ Ribs cooking away in the crockpot....wish I could mail you all some LOL
A Soldier's SurpriseGeneral Hospital
Rachael has an emotional surprise for a dad about to be deployed. It's a 40th birthday he'll never forget when his favorite singer, Edwin McCain, is singing just for him! Plus, guilt-free ideas for re-gifting and clever ways to make care packages for any occasion.
Luke and Laura return to where it all started.