Friday, November 3, 2006

You guys ROCK!!!

Thank you for all the wonderful comments and the prayers, it really does help to know that there are others who understand what I was feeling. If there is one thing you will all learn about me is that I DON'T like looking or feeling sorry for myself, I just can't stand it, but you know even the strongest of people sometimes need help and need to be vulnerable.

I've had a rough past few days, but I'm slowly coming around again. Yesterday I managed to get everything done and I managed to hold on to the Lord's hand, I didn't let go and neither did He....things ran smoothly and I had a pretty good day.

I didn't tell anyone what the real issue was, and I think that it's only fair that I do, I'm a pretty open person and don't mind sharing my thoughts and feelings.

For those who have read my blog for a while, you will know that I had two miscarriages in 2001. The funny thing is that though time may pass and it may divert your attention from it, it never leaves your mind or your heart. It's one of those incidents that forever stay ingrained in your mind and heart....and for the most part I do fine, I go on with my life, but there are some days that the smallest mundane thing will spark a memory and then it feels like I'm right back there, going through the emotional and the physical pain of the miscarriages.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that NOTHING I did caused them....because let's face it, and I'm speaking from my own experience, I always felt like it was MY job as the mom to make sure the babies were safe and healthy, so when I lost them it felt like a slap in the face, like I didn't do everything to protect them, I MUST have done something wrong, maybe I didn't eat healthy enough, maybe I pushed myself or maybe, maybe maybe maybe, it's that little word "maybe" that gets you.

I've learnt to handle the days that I'm feeling that way. I just ask God to help me through it and to stop the enemy from implanting these doubts and these if's and maybe's in my head, and then I can find the peace within myself to realize (yet again) that it's not my fault. I may never know the reason why it happened, I do know that if I had HAD those two babies, I wouldn't have Nicholas right that in a way brings me comfort, and just looking at him each day reminds me what a blessing and a miracle he really is....after the two miscarriages I didn't think I would ever be able to carry a baby to full term. It wasn't easy, I was high risk, I had bleeding, I had preterm labor a number of times and he had a decrease in his heart rate a couple times too due to the cord being tightly wound around his body. Guess that was his way of holding on and being determined to see it to the end :)

So that my dear friends is what I go through every once in a while, and when I do, my first reaction is to hide and withdraw, but I've also learnt to not allow myself to dwell on it. I allow myself to cry and get it out for a little but then "life must go on", I have another two beautiful children here with me and they need me to keep going. So I do, and that is why I thank you all for the prayers and words of encouragement, they really do mean a lot :)

I think I may have just set a record for myself, talking about ONE subject for quite a bit of my post, wow, that's something!!! :)

One thing I realize I haven't had a chance to do, was share the pictures of the kids in Halloween Costumes...I can't believe I haven't done that yet, I really HAVE been a little nutty haven't I??? LOL

Here ya go, I present Spiderman and Glamor Witch.

They were really happy that daddy got to go Trick or Treating with them, he was able to work something out with another co-worker so that they both were able to take an hour off to take their kids, isn't that sweet??

Since so many of you mentioned the Holiday Traditions post, I want to tell you that I've decided to redo it on monday the 6th, so mark your calendars and remember to come back and post your links, in the meantime I'm going to copy down the links of all the participants that already shared their traditions, and will link them again for you all, does that sound fair???

I'm sorry I did the meme at a time when there was so much stuff going on, but honestly, and in my defense, when I decided to do it I had no idea about half of the other meme's going on that week. But it doesn't matter, we'll redo it, and this way more people will get to participate and have a chance to read everyone's traditions :)

Well I need to get ready to pick up Jasmine from school. Oh btw, we had her Teacher Conference yesterday and she is doing awesome at school, the teacher loves her and says she's an extremely smart girl, she's reading at a fourth grade level and is still getting 3's in everything...we're so proud of her. :)

You know what I wish??? That I could transmit smell over the computer because right now I have my Smoky Flavored BBQ Ribs cooking in the crockpot, and OH.MY. GOODNESS, they smell divine, enough to wake up hubby and have him come looking for them LOL

I'm out of here, I hope you all have a wonderful friday and I'll see you back here tomorrow for my Five Senses Saturday :)

God Bless,

Smoky Flavored BBQ Ribs cooking away in the crockpot....wish I could mail you all some LOL

Rachael Ray

A Soldier's Surprise
Rachael has an emotional surprise for a dad about to be deployed. It's a 40th birthday he'll never forget when his favorite singer, Edwin McCain, is singing just for him! Plus, guilt-free ideas for re-gifting and clever ways to make care packages for any occasion.
General Hospital
Luke and Laura return to where it all started.


  1. Good MOrning Sandra!!!
    How are you today?? The kids look great in their halloween costumes!
    What do you charge for a template??Thanks Happy Friday

  2. That's my girl! You're all better and I'm so glad. I didn't know about the miscarriages but anyone can understand that you'll always have some down days when you think about them. I'm sorry you went through the heartache, twice. I feel so blessed that I never experienced this although for years I was told it was very likely I would if I ever got pregnant. Thank you for being so honest and open about this, Sandra.

    I am so, so glad you're going to redo Traditions. I really want to do this one but honestly, it's taking me forever to get my thoughts together. My thoughts seem to scatter themselves all over the place when I start allowing myself to get too busy. Let me tell you, my first thought every time I read a new post from you is that there is no way on earth I could keep up with you.

    You spend more energy in a day that I spend in a week! But that's what we love about you. And I'm pretty sure a lot of us are just jealous. :-) Oh to be your age again. Sigh.....

    Cute, cute costumes. Your kids are so dang cute!

  3. Okay I am so on my way to your house with 3 kids and a hubby who absolutely raved over these ribs. What did you say your address was? :v)

    Sandra I know exactly what you are talking about with the miscarriages. I been there! So glad that you hung onto the Lord through it and it's so true He never lets go!!!

    Glad to hear you're going to repost the traditions. It was great fun to read everybody elses and I hope lots more people join in!

  4. I'm glad you are feeling better. I had 2 miscarriages, one in 2001 in Wa. and one here in 2002, before I finally had Darrian. I sometimes feel this way too. I almost always try to hide it because I have 7 kids and people don't really get that each child is special to you and just because you go on to have more you never forget the one's you lost. Someday though I am sure we will meet up with them in Heaven and that will be quite the day. I have to say most people understand, but I sometimes feel a little selfish feeling sorry for myself with so many blessing around me. I know it's ok, but it still feels a little funny to me. I'm glad you took this time to remember. It's always good to remember.

    I will surely post again on the holiday traditions. I posted a little blog about this, but now I can direct everyone over to check it out for themselves when it is done again on Nov. 6. Thanks

    The kids look adorable. Jasmines costume is so neat. Did you think of this one yourselves?

    Have a great day.

  5. I'm so glad you're feeling better today. I can't relate to the miscarriages, but I know that it's a sad, trying time when it happens. Both my daughters suffered a miscarriage. It's so normal to have feelings resurface like that and it's a sorrow that is part of your life. The good thing is that you know to rely on God for strength.

    Those costumes are really, really cute! It'll be fun to do the Holiday Traditions over again.

  6. Hi Sandra! So glad you are feeling better today. I'm sorry for what you had to go through but am happy you have the Lord to help you through. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Your kids look adorable by the way :) Laura

  7. Hi Sandra -

    I am so sorry to hear about your losses and the pain that remains, but you have your faith in the Rock! AND that my friend, is why I have grown to love you. You have a strength even you are unaware of! I admire you! :)

    LOVE the kids costumes!

    ((hugs)) and continued prayers!!!

  8. Hi Sandra,
    Glad to see you are feeling better. I had 3 miscarriage . It has been about 30 years and I still think about each one of them on thier due date and wonder what they would be like now. One I carried 5 months. If you need to talk I will listen.
    Mrs. Q

  9. I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday, but I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better and have a game plan to get back on track for yourself!

    I'm not sure if I ever told you this before, but I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I'm sure it's only natural, or to be expected, to have days like those where you just need to break down and cry. We all do. You are able to find some "good" to come out of the situation by realizing you wouldn't have Nicholas. Hugs to you!

    I enjoyed participating in the holiday traditions, but didn't get a chance to read everyone who linked. So I'm looking forward to when you post the links again so I can check them out!

  10. Thanks for sharing the honesty and vulnerability of where you are. I'm sure that wasn't easy but so meaningful to so many others!!

    Glad to hear you are redoing the traditions post. I was going to ask if we could re-post... and then I saw you are not only going to let us do that... but you will re-link for us. I hope more participate as it was so much fun to read everyone else's ideas.

    Hang in there friend!

  11. I'm so glad you are better...these days will come and go...God is holding your hand.....and so are your friends...

  12. So sorry to hear you havn't been feeling that great, but glad to hear you are in better spirits today. What a hard thing to go through.

    Your kids look adorable in their costumes.

    The ribs sound delish...wish there was smell-o-vision!!!

  13. Thank you for feeling like you can trust us. You are right you never forget. The memory somehow lingers. Hubby doesn't know I still think about my miscarriages.

    Great photos.

    Food sounds great.

    I'll keep you in my'll find your strength soon.

  14. I'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced two miscarriages. I'm glad you felt able to share your sorrow here with us. You will be in my prayers.

    I'm sorry I didn't get to post on your Holiday Traditions meme. Honestly, I haven't posted on any memes for a while now. Things have been crazy on my end with work, sickness, and everyday life. I'm barely managing to post daily on my own blog.

    Please, please, please remind me to stop by on 11/6 when you repost the Holiday Traditions, okay? I have some things I can post about.


  15. I'm sorry also to hear about your miscarriages, it is hard to deal with. I've been there too and you do think about it for a long time. Hope you are doing better now.
    Your kids are adorable! Looks like a fun time.


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