Here I am.....this is me!!!

Monday, January 15, 2018

I've been debating sharing this post with you all.  Let's just say that I've thought about it, started to type it, deleted it and forgot about it.  Then thought about it again and talked myself out of it.

There's this thing with being human, and that is that we feel we have to portray ourselves as something stronger than we are, we are afraid to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to show weakness or to ask for help.

We don't want anyone looking at us with pity or thinking any less.  Problem is, all those thoughts are usually what we tell ourselves to stay in that bubble.

Over the last 12 years of sharing on my blog, I like to think that I've always been pretty open about who I truly am, and I've shared quite a lot of my life, my struggles and thoughts and have tried to always be as truthful and honest as I can. But there's a little part of me that has held back, and that is the part that I am going to lay out today.



I wish you understand just how hard for me this is, even as I'm typing it, I'm telling myself not to do it, to just stop and walk away, that there's no need to share everything or to say certain things.  Thing is, I've come to a point in my life where I am tired of fighting it and struggling and overthinking and worrying.  I can't do it anymore, I'm quite sick of myself at the moment and want desperately to change it.


Keeping it to myself  is ok, obviously, but as I go on this journey and need encouragement and prayers and support, and who knows, maybe even inspiration from others who are right there with me, or have gone through it themselves, I felt it imperative to sit down and just talk, freely, without holding back.

Again, it's so hard, maybe because I know that the minute I put it down and it's out there, I have to accept it.

So here goes.....I truly believe that I'm a hypochondriac.   There I've said it.

I've joked up about it in the past, my husband has joked about it too and I always used to say "no way, come on, just because I worry about my health doesn't mean I'm a hypochondriac".

Thing is, as the years have gone by and the older I've gotten, the worse these fears have manifested within me.  It's become unbearable to live with, I'm in a constant fear that I have something seriously wrong with me.

Any little pain, any subtle change, any little thing that I feel different in my body, immediately takes my mind to the worst possible case.  How horrid is that???

And even when I'm told I'm fine, or I KNOW that I'm fine, I will continue to worry about it and think about it and check and recheck because I obviously don't trust my own judgement at this point.


Wanna know what the worst part of it all is?  As a Christian, I know that worrying is wrong and it's a sin, and yet even with the knowledge of this, I worry.

Last week I finally said Enough is Enough.  I actually started to pray and when I mentioned the word worry I started crying, and I'm not talking about a little tear, I mean actually full on crying.  I pleaded for God to help me through this and I asked for forgiveness.

It's not an easy journey my friends.

I've been faithfully doing devotionals about letting go of the worry and fear and about living a life of joy, without stress, without worry and without constantly feeling an impending sense of doom.

I'm a believe in that sometimes we are placed in certain situations, or allowed to go through things that will open our eyes and make us see that we need to change our ways.  I used to think "that's fine, but why can't it be situations that are easier to deal with, why d they have to be so scary at times?".  And the answer has always been, "because if you don't go through something that is truly eye opening and testing to the point where you have to make a decision to focus on God or focus on your problem, you will never learn".

Yes, that right there.

And yet, the logical side of my brain knows all this and constantly flights with my ridiculous weak and fearful side, and that battle is what causes me sleepless nights, catastrophic thoughts and unhappy days.

So here I am, laying it all on the line, being completely honest with you and inviting you into this journey with me because I like being transparent and talking to you on my blog, and I didn't want you to wonder or be confused when I refer to certain things from now on.

It is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through, and I know it's going to get ugly.  I'm going to fail at times and I'm not always going to understand the lessons or the devotionals or even how to rightfully apply the lessons to my life, but I'm so ready to make this change and become a stress free, worry free woman.

All I ask from you, my sweet blog readers and friends, is that you pray for me through it all, I know I'm going to need it because I can't do it alone.

I'm sorry this post has gone on so long, but I'm thankful that I'm able to share my deepest thoughts and emotions and really name this for what it is, it is the only way I will be able to fight it and come out stronger on the other side.

God Bless,
Sandra
xoxoxoxo

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20 comments

  1. Praying for you and that you find the peace you need.

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  2. I'm sorry you are having a hard time but in your defense... as women we are tested every single year for a catastrophic disease. As you know last year I had the hysterectomy. Oh my goodness .. every thing was biopsied. Then of course my blood work was funny then the ultimate fun thing the mammogram. For the love of Pete!!!! I was stressed out also. I will be praying for you just know I'm sure you aren't alone in this fear. 💗💗💗💗

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  3. You'll be in my prayers, Sandra. While I am not a hypochondriac, I do have severe anxiety and sometimes what comes along with that is paranoia. The similarity being that I can tell myself that so-and-so is not going to happen, but the fear is still inside of me and I've prayed (however not consistently) and I've been led to scripture and yet it's STILL there. So I completely understand what you are going through. As you and I both know with our daughters and their anxiety, there is absolutely no shame in admitting you have some sort of issue and getting help for it. We both need to pray continually without ceasing <3 As well, consider talking to someone about coming up with methods to cope when you are feeling overwhelmed.

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  4. hugs..i suffer from anxiety and its really hard.i hope we both find peace and not worry so much..

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  5. Keeping you in my prayers to find peace. The world has a way of letting a lot of worry in... be strong and lean on us, it will be ok :-)

    Many blessings,
    Jill

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  6. Hey I totally understand, I suffer with anxiety and some phobias that drive me crackers because they are not logical. I get so frustrated with myself. But, when we are weak He is strong. God will help you through this. Big hugs. <3

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  7. I think logic is over-rated. Most people don't respond to it at all.

    But this is a out fear...and only one thing casts it out, perfect love.

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    1. "a out..."

      That is supposed to say about!

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  8. Sorry you are dealing with this. I think you're approaching it in the right way - talking about it and praying! And we will be praying for you too!

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  9. I am a worrier as well. last week, my daughter's and i did a 1 word canvas. You pick one word to focus on for the year and paint it on canvas.i wanted to choose"no worries" but that was 2 words so i chose depend. I choose to depend on God this year instead of worrying. praying we both make progress on this in 2018!

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  10. It's a classic symptom of perimenopause. When you reach your forties you start to go through the change leading up to full on menopause. It can take years. During this time you will be paranoid about your health, have breakdowns, crying spells for no reason, irritability, worry about everything, think you're going to die, and even have physical symptoms. It's all normal. We all go through it, some worse than others. I'm 44 and been dealing with this for a while too but once I researched perimenopause and all it's glory I finally understood that it was just a normal part of the change of life for us women. It isn't for the faint of heart but you will get through it. Wait till you start getting hot flashes, skipped periods (still get PMS though), dry itchy skin, heart palpatations (I've gone to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack, lol). Even made a trip one time cause I was having sharp pain in my leg and thought I had DVT. Had an ultrasound on my leg and found nothing. Being a hypochondriac is just one piece of the puzzle of perimenopause. Oh, the joys of being a woman! Btw, I've always been worried about my health all my life too but it went into overdrive when I hit the big 40. Best of luck, Sandra. It'll get better!!

    P.S. Get some Emerita cream. It'll help.

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  11. Oh Sandra so happy you’re willing to open up your life to us, there are so many who deal with what you’re experiencing, you’re not alone, and I think by doing this you will find so much support, caring, thoughts, prayers and suggestions to help cope...I’m 53 and had a full hysterectomy at age of 29 so I have been dealing with menopause for many many years, I am a worrier, my mother use to say, I will die from worrying.....more and likely true....you’re going through a normal stage in life, you’re not crazy,......talking about it is the best thing to do.....we’re all here for you, we have all, and I mean all of us gone, or are going through what you’re experiencing in one way or another....and if not believe me, they will at some point, some not as extreme as others but we are women.....hormonal changes to our bodies is devasting....I remember in my forties I was always questioning, questioning decisions, relationship, families, my husband said I was philosophical lol....I would break down crying for what, I don’t even know half the time, that all has passed, now I’m in the stage, live life to it fullest, each day, take it as it comes, fret on what is happening now not what might happen....lord only knows what my 60’s will bring, lol...oh boy my poor husband hahaha...so believe me you’re going through normal stages of life.....one thing 8 find that truly helps, exerting, yoga, walk8ng, stretching, drink plenty of water, lavender baths, lavender oils, vitamin D, go on a day trip once a week, local library, antique shop, Museums, book stores, etc.....meet with a friend at a cafe for tea or coffee and chat.......just thoughts....sorry so long of a comment......I hope you find comfort in all of our suggestions thoughts......Blessings my dear friend......

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  12. Tried to proof read before publishing, oops....it is suppose to be exercising, yoga, walk8ng,

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  13. You are in my prayers!!! Like so many, I am a worry wort and even though I know that I am loved by my Lord and Savior, I worry.

    ~Mrs.J~

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  14. Thank you for sharing and opening more of your heart to us. Prayers and hugs for you as you walk this journey. Please know you are not alone.

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  15. You are half way to healing...because you realize you are over-worrying! That is an accomplishment. Just relax more and let God run the world. I used to worry more, but I was watching a religious t.v. show and someone said worry shows you are lacking in faith (or something...can't remember). But right then I thought to myself that I needed more faith and that I would consciously try to not worry.

    Also, never deal in anything such as a ouiji board, ghost stories, scary and evil movies, etc. These can let demons in. I'll say a prayer right now for you, Andrea

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  16. Psalm 91, it and a good friend who reminded me that we can't control everything and I had to learn to let go and trust God, got me through a very rough time. It took me awhile, each night during my prayer intentions during the rosary of asking God to take care of the various worries and saying I was putting them in His hands, one night I realized that I hadn't been stressing out, I had actually started letting go and putting my faith in Him. God bless you all Sandra

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  17. Praying for you. <3

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  18. Praying for you! Hugs my friend!

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  19. Your blog is very nice,Thanks for sharing good blog.

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Thank you for stopping by, hope you are having a Blessed day!

♥Sandra♥

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