Monday, January 15, 2018
Here I am.....this is me!!!
There's this thing with being human, and that is that we feel we have to portray ourselves as something stronger than we are, we are afraid to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to show weakness or to ask for help.
We don't want anyone looking at us with pity or thinking any less. Problem is, all those thoughts are usually what we tell ourselves to stay in that bubble.
Over the last 12 years of sharing on my blog, I like to think that I've always been pretty open about who I truly am, and I've shared quite a lot of my life, my struggles and thoughts and have tried to always be as truthful and honest as I can. But there's a little part of me that has held back, and that is the part that I am going to lay out today.
I wish you understand just how hard for me this is, even as I'm typing it, I'm telling myself not to do it, to just stop and walk away, that there's no need to share everything or to say certain things. Thing is, I've come to a point in my life where I am tired of fighting it and struggling and overthinking and worrying. I can't do it anymore, I'm quite sick of myself at the moment and want desperately to change it.
Keeping it to myself is ok, obviously, but as I go on this journey and need encouragement and prayers and support, and who knows, maybe even inspiration from others who are right there with me, or have gone through it themselves, I felt it imperative to sit down and just talk, freely, without holding back.
Again, it's so hard, maybe because I know that the minute I put it down and it's out there, I have to accept it.
So here goes.....I truly believe that I'm a hypochondriac. There I've said it.
I've joked up about it in the past, my husband has joked about it too and I always used to say "no way, come on, just because I worry about my health doesn't mean I'm a hypochondriac".
Thing is, as the years have gone by and the older I've gotten, the worse these fears have manifested within me. It's become unbearable to live with, I'm in a constant fear that I have something seriously wrong with me.
Any little pain, any subtle change, any little thing that I feel different in my body, immediately takes my mind to the worst possible case. How horrid is that???
And even when I'm told I'm fine, or I KNOW that I'm fine, I will continue to worry about it and think about it and check and recheck because I obviously don't trust my own judgement at this point.
Wanna know what the worst part of it all is? As a Christian, I know that worrying is wrong and it's a sin, and yet even with the knowledge of this, I worry.
Last week I finally said Enough is Enough. I actually started to pray and when I mentioned the word worry I started crying, and I'm not talking about a little tear, I mean actually full on crying. I pleaded for God to help me through this and I asked for forgiveness.
It's not an easy journey my friends.
I've been faithfully doing devotionals about letting go of the worry and fear and about living a life of joy, without stress, without worry and without constantly feeling an impending sense of doom.
I'm a believe in that sometimes we are placed in certain situations, or allowed to go through things that will open our eyes and make us see that we need to change our ways. I used to think "that's fine, but why can't it be situations that are easier to deal with, why d they have to be so scary at times?". And the answer has always been, "because if you don't go through something that is truly eye opening and testing to the point where you have to make a decision to focus on God or focus on your problem, you will never learn".
Yes, that right there.
And yet, the logical side of my brain knows all this and constantly flights with my ridiculous weak and fearful side, and that battle is what causes me sleepless nights, catastrophic thoughts and unhappy days.
It is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through, and I know it's going to get ugly. I'm going to fail at times and I'm not always going to understand the lessons or the devotionals or even how to rightfully apply the lessons to my life, but I'm so ready to make this change and become a stress free, worry free woman.
All I ask from you, my sweet blog readers and friends, is that you pray for me through it all, I know I'm going to need it because I can't do it alone.
I'm sorry this post has gone on so long, but I'm thankful that I'm able to share my deepest thoughts and emotions and really name this for what it is, it is the only way I will be able to fight it and come out stronger on the other side.