Thursday, January 25, 2018
If I were to pick a favorite time of day, I would have to pick sunrise or sunset, merely for the magical hue it places on everything in sight.
A few days ago, the sunrise was especially beautiful, a deep orange and red splayed out across the clouds in the sky and turning all the branches on the trees, a beautiful burnt orange color. Just gorgeous :)
The last time I really sat down and talked to you, was a few days ago, actually I think it may have been last week. Since then, I've been concentrating on me and on getting myself past this rough patch I'm going through.
And so I've retracted a bit into my shell, and put myself into a vulnerable situation, where I've been forced to examine my shortcomings and my wrong doings. Everything that I want to change about myself or better, and boy was I in for a ride.
Being human, it is so easy to live in denial, to try to ignore those things we know deep down are not good and need changing. I've been reading my devotionals, praying and oh my word, have I been praying, and not just reciting words, I mean having full conversations with God as if He were right there sitting next to me.
My anxiety, my worry, my fear, have been slowly dwindling away. They're not gone completely and I'm sure it will be a while still until I can say that they are, but that's ok because it's a work in progress....I'M a work in progress. Perfectly imperfect!!!
Cleaning has become extremely therapeutic for me. I've also been rearranging things here and there, and that is exactly what I was doing in the above picture, hence the random items on the shelf behind me, the chair by the door, the vacuum in the middle of the living room.
I move things around, and as I do, I reflect on the things I'm currently rearranging in my heart and soul.
You know I was thinking that if I were to look into my heart at the moment, it would be a complete mess of jumbled up thoughts and emotions. Good things and bad things all rolled into a ball that is crazily spinning around my heart and then shooting off into my mind, triggering those things that bring me fear, worry and anxiety.
And so I box them up.....I have decided that all those things are a part of me, but they don't have to BE ME. Fearing something, feeling anxious, or even worrying slightly about something, is not in itself a bad thing, unless you let that become all that you are about. So I'm keeping them compartmentalized within me, and they're not allowed to just come over for a party whenever they want, I have to allow them to make themselves known, and even then they're only allowed a minute before being sent right back to their rightful place.......locked inside and at the Lord's feet.
My mornings are often spent here, at this table, writing, thinking, talking to God, clearing my head.
Another part of my life which has been needing some attention, is my health. Tuesday, I finally made an appointment for the doctor to talk about my shoulder/neck pain.
I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but 20 or so years ago, when I used to go to the gym all the time, I was using the Lat Pull down machine that works your back and shoulders, and when it came to letting the bar go, my left hand just released and my right hand stayed holding the bar as it shot back up into place.
I knew I had hurt my shoulder/shoulder blade etc., but didn't think much of it. Since then, every year at least once or twice a year, I'll be doing normal things like vacuuming or sweeping or moving something around and I'll pull the Trapezius muscle. My shoulder has also been constantly hurting, I can't lay on my right side for longer than a minute or two because it hurts so bad, makes my arm numb and tingly etc.
Last week I was pushing some furniture around, I was already sore from a pulled neck muscle while sleeping, and while straining to push the furniture I pulled the muscle that runs from the shoulder all through the upper chest and to the middle of my ribs. Ended up with awful chest pain that night that made me think I was having a heart attack.
Anyway, long story short, went to the doctor and she gave me muscle relaxants, lidocaine patches and immediately referred me to Physical Therapy, because it's been so many years dealing with this shoulder pain and now chest etc., she thinks it's time to address this and really focus on fixing the problem.
So, I have my first Physical Therapy appointment on Monday afternoon and I'm actually quite looking forward to finally figuring out how to fix it and not have to live every day with shoulder and arm pain.
Whew, that was a long winded post. My apologies.
I guess I better get on out of here and get busy with my laundry and other chores.
Hope you're all having a wonderful week so far, I for one am looking forward to the weekend.
Oh and before I forget, we have an important appointment tomorrow with Jasmine and if things go to plan, I'll be able to share what it is with you all by tomorrow night. Fingers crossed :)