It's rewarding, it's a great honor, it's something worth doing but after so many years, you tend to start feeling worn out.
I want to be able to be in a house long enough to plant roots, to be able to say that my kids grew up in it, and look there's the markings on the wall from all their height measurements. Oh and look, that's the little apple tree we planted when they were babies, it's now producing fruit.
I don't think that civilians quite understand how extremely difficult it is to be a military family.
And I'm not saying this because I'm looking for sympathy or anything really, I guess it's just a vent due to the current situation. Pity party of one, right here.
I'm having an extremely difficult day. I am literally close to tears and trying to keep myself in check.
Truth is, to be completely honest with you all....I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being.
The one good thing about this day and age is that we have Skype, something which we never had back in the day. It helps, it truly does, but in a way I think it makes it worse because you see their face, you hear their voice and you just want to reach through the screen.
And this is where I get really frustrated with myself.
This isn't my first rodeo folks. It's not my first deployment, not my first TDY, not my first separation and yet I'm a blubbering fool.
I went grocery shopping with the kids this morning and they started acting out inside the store, fighting with each other, you know, the usual sibling rivalry. I tried to put an end to it but the more riled up they got the more frustrated I became, to the point where I literally had to pull the shopping cart aside, put my face in my hands and BEG the Lord to please please grab my hand at that moment because I was *thisclose* to just falling apart.
It's been 3 days. We haven't even made a dent in this TDY, but I'm ready for it to be over.
You're probably thinking I'm such a wuss, heck I think I'm being one too but in the interest of being completely honest with you all and opening my heart, I felt it imperative to lay it all out, not keep anything back.
I'm sure I'll come back and read this post tomorrow morning and laugh at myself, and I'm also sure that in a few days I'll be strong enough to put on my brave face and continue on.
"You can do this Sandra"
"You're strong Sandra"
It's just a matter of reminding myself.
Funny thing though, I opened up my Whispers of Encouragement Devotional just randomly, and the page it fell on says:
Take hours, minutes, and moments as they come, one at a time. Don't run ahead. Do what you can now....and at the end of the day, let it go.
Put all that is left undone in God's hands. God is a work in ways you cannot see.. Trust Him.
Sleep....rest....relax in His arms.
Which is exactly what I've been trying to do.
I'm not taking one moment at a time, I'm trying to shove this whole TDY into the now, like trying to pile all the weeks and the feelings into this very moment and it's overwhelming me and it's suffocating me.
And it's a sure sign that if I don't do exactly what that little note says above, I am going to have a really hard time.
So, I've vented, I'm going to have a good cry and then I'm going to put on my big girl panties and try this again, only this time not alone but in the Lord's hands.
I'm sorry for the long babble, hope I didn't put anyone to sleep, and if you've made it this far, you rock!
Thanks for letting me vent, it really has helped a lot :)
On this day:
In 2006: Get out of the way
In 2007: Leaving on a Jet Plane
In 2008: A little more Kruger Park for you
In 2009: Happy Homemaker Monday
In 2010: My blog on TV
In 2011: 31 Days of Prayer for my Husband #1