I can't for the life of me understand what the deal is, other than maybe as we get closer to his retirement, which should only be about another 2 years, since he already extended 2 after his 20 years in.....I'm just maybe done with the whole military life?
It's rewarding, it's a great honor, it's something worth doing but after so many years, you tend to start feeling worn out.
I want to be able to be in a house long enough to plant roots, to be able to say that my kids grew up in it, and look there's the markings on the wall from all their height measurements. Oh and look, that's the little apple tree we planted when they were babies, it's now producing fruit.
I don't think that civilians quite understand how extremely difficult it is to be a military family.
And I'm not saying this because I'm looking for sympathy or anything really, I guess it's just a vent due to the current situation. Pity party of one, right here.
I'm having an extremely difficult day. I am literally close to tears and trying to keep myself in check.
Truth is, to be completely honest with you all....I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being.
The one good thing about this day and age is that we have Skype, something which we never had back in the day. It helps, it truly does, but in a way I think it makes it worse because you see their face, you hear their voice and you just want to reach through the screen.
And this is where I get really frustrated with myself.
This isn't my first rodeo folks. It's not my first deployment, not my first TDY, not my first separation and yet I'm a blubbering fool.
I went grocery shopping with the kids this morning and they started acting out inside the store, fighting with each other, you know, the usual sibling rivalry. I tried to put an end to it but the more riled up they got the more frustrated I became, to the point where I literally had to pull the shopping cart aside, put my face in my hands and BEG the Lord to please please grab my hand at that moment because I was *thisclose* to just falling apart.
It's been 3 days. We haven't even made a dent in this TDY, but I'm ready for it to be over.
You're probably thinking I'm such a wuss, heck I think I'm being one too but in the interest of being completely honest with you all and opening my heart, I felt it imperative to lay it all out, not keep anything back.
I'm sure I'll come back and read this post tomorrow morning and laugh at myself, and I'm also sure that in a few days I'll be strong enough to put on my brave face and continue on.
"You can do this Sandra"
"You're strong Sandra"
It's just a matter of reminding myself.
Funny thing though, I opened up my Whispers of Encouragement Devotional just randomly, and the page it fell on says:
Which is exactly what I've been trying to do.
I'm not taking one moment at a time, I'm trying to shove this whole TDY into the now, like trying to pile all the weeks and the feelings into this very moment and it's overwhelming me and it's suffocating me.
And it's a sure sign that if I don't do exactly what that little note says above, I am going to have a really hard time.
So, I've vented, I'm going to have a good cry and then I'm going to put on my big girl panties and try this again, only this time not alone but in the Lord's hands.
I'm sorry for the long babble, hope I didn't put anyone to sleep, and if you've made it this far, you rock!
Thanks for letting me vent, it really has helped a lot :)
On this day:
In 2006: Get out of the way
In 2007: Leaving on a Jet Plane
In 2008: A little more Kruger Park for you
In 2009: Happy Homemaker Monday
In 2010: My blog on TV
In 2011: 31 Days of Prayer for my Husband #1
(((Sandra))) You're in my prayers tonight... You CAN do this though, don't ever doubt how very strong you are!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are strong - and you can do this, with God's help!
ReplyDeleteI loved Skype while Andy was in Afghanistan. I can't imagine what it was like for my Grandma, when there was no computer, skpe or even phone calls - just really slow snail mail!
Oh gosh, no apologies, I can only imagine how hard it is. Cry, pray, whatever it is you need to do to get through, and maybe the venting helped, so no apologies about the post. Vent anytime! Bjs e xi's
ReplyDeleteSandra from Vancouver
:-( I can't even imagine what this is like for you, but if it helps to vent -- the by all means do it! Your friends are all here with ears to listen, and shoulders to cry on. I hope it gets easier for you. {{Hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my prayers...you are right...many will never know or understand what you are going through but never feel bad about your feelings...my Mom always told me if things were perfect here we'ld never want to go to Heaven. When you are weak God is carrying you!! Love you always! <3
ReplyDeleteOur daughter just finished cancer treatment..Hodgkin's Lymphoma, she became ill while carry her 4th child, we didn't get the diagnosis until the baby was a few months old...Anyway, needless to say it was horrid, the only was I got through it was Jesus. I would get close to 'the edge' like you are and The Lord would tell me. "Get back, you are too close to the edge, now take my hand". If you will picture his hand and picture putting your hand in His then He will walk you away...I promise and He promises. - At night when I would wake up with that horrible start and realization and the panic would start in...I would say "LORD" and I would picture myself standing next to Him and I would loop my arm through His and right then..The peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:7..became very real to me and I still is.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing I can say to you is...Stay away from the edge.
I pray for you throughout the day. You are on a sticky note at the top of my computer screen so I see you all of the time.
You may think this is strange advice but I had to share because it works..He will never leave us or forsake us. xo
Oh I completely understand. We only had 8 years of military life, but 6 houses in that time. I know what you mean about roots, but you are giving them so much more no matter where you are. You are an amazing wife and mother and you are their roots...your family is home and that is what they will remember. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder and the homecoming is what always got me through...planning, shopping, new hair and outfit....almost makes it worth it...ok...not really but the day he comes home is always amazing! Makes you really appreciate each moment together. ;)
ReplyDeleteDear Sandra ~ My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteJesus is your strength when you are weak. You are calling on Him and He is with you through every step of this journey.
Here is a favorite portion of scripture.
Isa_40:28-31
Hast thou not known?
hast thou not heard,
that the everlasting God,
the LORD,
the Creator of the ends of the earth,
fainteth not, neither is weary?
there is no searching of his understanding.
He giveth power to the faint;
and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint.
****
I love that little saying that you posted from your devotional.
Like Paul in Php 4:13, we can say "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
You are strong, and made even stronger through your faith in Jesus.
Love and hugs to all of you,
FlowerLady
Sandra, I don't know that any TDY or deployment is ever easy. The closer my husband got to retirement (and he'd extended, too), the more I worried. Truth is, I kept thinking back to the previous ones and counting ourselves lucky he'd come home safely, and I always worried that one day our luck would run out.
ReplyDeleteI hope that's not what's going through your heart right now but, if it is, just remember that God has us all in His hands, and He never gives us more than He knows we can handle. (Though sometimes it'd be nice if He didn't believe in us so much.)
Mark another day off on your calendar, and get a good night's sleep. Repeat as needed, and don't forget to breathe.
{{{hugs}}}
I stepped away from Blog reading for a while as we transitioned from military life to civilian life. I too was thinking just let us settle down somewhere but now that we are I do miss it.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that I know the feeling of getting so totally frustrated with everything and wondering why in the world I didnt have it all under control since we had done it so many times before. The conclusion I came to was that even though you know what happened before, every single one of them is different on the home front and definitely different on what you are thinking about as far as he is concerned.
Kids change, we change, world circumstances change. Every single deployment or TDY stands along and when it is all over you will be able to describe them all in terms of something that happened, yet you will remember that you got through it and gained strength for some future battle you have to fight. For me I have one where my daughter's friend totaled my vehicle, one where the kids graduated high school and I had neck surgery, one where every single vehicle we owned ( I had four teen drivers) was broken down at the SAME time, and one where I had to buy a place for college kids to live in without him.
I hope things lighten up and take a break on you for a while and I hope soon you can view this deployment in the memory book and move on to the next phase of life.
In 26 years of deployments and TDY's it was like that for me every time. EVERY time.
ReplyDeleteFeeling your pain friend.